Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

I get you. I wanted children and spent a lot of time and money ttc to no avail. It’s only fairly recently that I’ve become aware of the risks in older fatherhood with regard to SEND - my father was 50 when I was born and I certainly have ASD/ADHD traits. My DH is ten years older than me also. I am relieved we didn’t get a surprise late miracle, as the chances of SEND were not insignificant IMO.

But if they would be devastated - why can't they say that?

I'm autistic too and one of the reasons I don't want children is that I don't want to raise a child who could face the same debilitating struggles that I have.

I have no issue with people saying they would struggle - it’s the ‘I would be absolutely devastated’ comment. And the fact quite a few of you do not see issue with that, really concerns me - but I guess as it’s not your life, you don’t care!

I think you’re being very sensible, OP. So many people give little thought to being a parent beyond conception. I say that as a general comment, not in regards to children with additional needs.

I know parents of children with SN and their overwhelming fear is that their children will never live independently, and who will look after them when they have died. I’m sorry if that upsets people, it makes me feel really sad and I don’t even have children. That fear must be indescribable.

I agree OP. It’s worrying enough being a parent to a child without disabilities, but when it’s to the extent you’re referring to then there’s no normality in life with that. Sounds an absolute drudge.

I don’t think people were as worried before but the rates of disability or limitations, mentioned by teachers on these threads sounds incredible. Sounds like we’re heading towards special needs being the norm. God knows what that means for a functioning society.

This is very different to what the op is saying. She is using the example of her cousin who is exhausted looking after children who have challenging behaviour and significant disabilities. We can all understand how this makes the cousin’s life much harder than if there were no SEN issues. It will take a lot out her.

In choosing to have a child, you are choosing to take the risk - their ENTIRE life. They could die, become disabled, lose a limb, go blind, etc - all multitude of things. If you're not prepared to do that, then don't.

I'm autistic.

I don't think my parents felt they were dealt a bad hand.

I've got autistic children, too. I'm not devastated by this.

You're very insensitive @Avelin

I actually think it's important that we DO talk about the impact of raising disabled children. It's life changing and people have committed suicide through the stress of it. There was an awful case recently where two parents murdered their severely disabled children and then killed themselves.

It needs to be talked about more. Not brushed under the rug.

Parenting a gay child doesn’t have the impact on your life that a severely disabled child has though so that isn’t really comparable. It is ok for people to know they would struggle with a life where their children were disabled and needed significantly more care. The impact on your own life is huge and caring responsibilities may be life long. Parents of disabled children often have the added stress of worrying what will happen to their children when they, the parents, get ill or die.

I get this is a sensitive topic but of course OP should think about the risks associated with having children including potentially having children with additional needs. This is part of responsible and mature decision making. Understanding the risks from a probability and impact perspective and assessing what this would mean to you if the risk did materialise.

A good analogy would be that we should all risk assess even getting into the car each day. This comes with inherent risks that if they materialised could leave you dead or severely injured. You might choose not to take the journey based on your perception of the risk and knowing that you would be devastated if the outcome wasn't something you wanted. This wouldn't be a comment on the lives of those that have suffered a car accident.

OK? Thats absolutely nothing to do with what I said.

We didn’t have the exposure there is now, Instagram has lots of families sharing their lives which is a real eye opener.

There is a genetic element to Autism so maybe a look into the family history will help inform your decision.

You’re quite sensible imo. I’m autistic, dyspraxic and have other disabilities and while I have fertility issues, I decided not to pursue treatment for many reasons but the risk of having a severely disabled child was one of the biggest, especially as I’m second generation autistic so the odds that I would produce another autistic child were higher.

I’m not sure if I could cope with any child and I certainly couldn’t handle a severely disabled child. I’ve been a carer for family members 3x now and it took a huge toll on my already poor mental health. I’d care for a family member again if need be but I will not deliberately engineer a situation where that’s likely to happen. And yes I might be able to deal with a certain level of disability but it’s too much of a risk for my comfort especially as I’m not sure that I want any child or could cope with them or do them justice as a parent.

That said as you love children, I don’t, and you seem to like the idea of having one, then it may be worth the risk for you.For me it isn’t worth it. For you it may be. Only you can decide but there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your limits or wanting to maintain a less stressful life.

I suspect the vast, vast majority of people alive feel the same way you do, OP.

How is it not? It’s an offensive opinion that doesn’t need to be shared

"If someone had said to me "I'm so devastated you have to parent that disabled kid" that's a completely different thing, and highly offensive."

I have a severely disabled child and a few times I have had people say they feel sorry for me for having a child like him. I have felt like slapping the people who have said it.

How is that the same thing?

Beware of the "martyrs". I see some are here already.
Some people simply could not cope with a child who has special needs. In other countries they would abandon them. Here adoption is a less fatal option.

Likelihood, probability and genetics are all factors as well as age.

Good luck to you in whichever choice you choose.

But some of us reading this are parents to children with additional needs.

I have 2 kids, both are autistic, 1 is pda, that is the worst! My life is very hard and I cry all the time. 24/7 carer. Watching them struggle is honestly devastating. The rate of autism diagnosis in the world now is scary, why? I would love to know...My dh is on the spectrum, I did not know... he was always quiet, but making him a dad... he wasn't able to cope with emotional or planning side (poor executive function) and I am just so burnt out. I don't know what you should do, I just wanted to share my story. I do not understand any of it. I love them dearly.

But nobody wants anyone to have to care for a disabled child for life - that's a HUGE burden for someone to take on, no matter how much you love and/or wanted that child.

Okay if I believed your child was ugly and felt compelled to let you know in the name of ‘being honest’ would that be ok?