Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

I’ll take your advice on that. This will be my last post on this thread.

I didn't lose the lottery of children by having a disabled son op - he is brilliant! He is absolutely not lesser than anyone else and to say that you fear having a child like him - I don't really know what to make of that.

You would cope - you wouldn’t have any alternative.
If it’s such a big issue for you, you’d be better not having children.

But the OP didn’t say that. She said that SHE would be devestated. And it’s ok for to have that opinion. Doesn’t mean she wouldn’t love her child, but would find life harder. There’s no offence in admitting that about HERSELF.

Surely this is why anonymous forums exist? For people to discuss things they can’t in real life. I’m sorry you feel this way but you don’t need to be in the conversation if it’s upsetting for you and I don’t say that in a mean way

You are free not to read the thread if you find it offensive.

You can't tell people that they're not allowed to discuss things that upset you, though.

Something to consider is that many of these conditions have a genetic element. Since it's in the family already, it is worth being aware that you may have an increased likelihood of it in a child.

This is obviously the case but using the car journey analogy, lots of people embark on car journeys everyday even though they would find the impact of a car accident devastating and very hard to deal with. Do you say to to them that they shouldn't even get into a car again?

Risk has both impact and probability elements. The odds are that the vast majority of us won't have severely disabled children. This is what most people gamble on when they have children. Very few people would actively choose to sign up to the life of being a parent of children with high needs and all that it entails. I'm not saying they wouldn't do it if they had a disabled baby though as I also believe the vast majority of parents would if it was necessary. I think pretending people would choose this though almost reduces compassion for those parents in this situation who never would have opted for this life but they care for their disabled children anyway out of love. They deserve society's respect and admiration as it's is incredibly selfless to completely alter your life plan and make so many sacrifices to care for your child.

Most people with additional needs still live very normal lives. Most people with autism are not non-verbal or violent. The chances of having a child at the extreme end of the spectrum really are very tiny. And if that was your child, you would love them and do everything for them.

Okay so why wouldn’t OP say this to her cousin? Because it’s hurtful. And you expect me, who’s in the same position… not to be offended?

I totally agree with you and I'm not exactly sure why you're getting so much stick
I assumed everyone with children like that wouldnt be living their best life ever and although its not talked about or nice admit it, surely it's TRUE that many people wouldnt go back and choose that life?

Both my children have medical issues. My daughter has over 20 allergies, my son has a lifelong condition and what is associated with it, and adhd. I see them as absolutely perfect in every way and love them endlessly. My son is my oldest and despite everything that he has to deal with, and how I support him, I never had any doubts about wanting a second and didn't even consider if she would need extra support. When she went on to have over 20 allergies, I just got on with it.
I chose to bring those two amazing kids into the world, they are perfect and my job is to raise them and support them in every way. Medically or otherwise.
I think, as a potential parent, with some very strong views, then it is time to discuss with your partner honestly and maybe discuss in counselling. Is it just the health side, or are there other concerns with being a parent? You need to work through that. Because honestly, your worry in your post is about your needs and not about your potential child's struggles. You have to be selfless as a parent, it isn't all Arts and crafts. Maybe being an amazing aunty is your thing!

I get it, I have a chronic illness which (by sheer luck) doesn’t affect me as much as it affects many others with the same diagnosis.

My life is good I just can’t flip the coin and risk knowingly having a child whose future might be awful.

I think lots of people think about it OP. We did, but for us, we decided that we wanted children together regardless. We were both as sure as we could be that we’d be good parents to any child. If we felt how you do, we wouldn’t have gone ahead and had children as it wouldn’t have been fair on us or children.

Parenting is exhausting full stop, but parenting children and young people with additional needs is definitely doing life (pun intended) on hard mode.
My life bears no semblance to the way it was prior to having children. Before one has children, this is really hard to imagine, but it is what happens. DC1 isn't even classed as particularly 'high needs', but requires special provision in school (the fight for which has literally taken years of my life) and adaptations in order to achieve anything like age-related independence.
I love my DC with every cell of my being. They are my world. But DC1's additional needs definitely changed the course of my life, irrevocably. There aren't enough hours in the day, enough energy in my body, enough cognitive capacity in my brain or money in my bank account (having DC with SEN is financially crippling) to parent well without it being exhausting, and I'm a reasonably fit, capable, smart and well remunerated woman.

There is no shame in wanting your children not to be disabled @Avelin. It is ok to think that.

I’ve not read every post, do apologies if I’ve repeated.

I do think it’s very honest of you to state how you feel.
Can you take the same honesty back tho?

I don’t know if you’ve told your husband of your fears, and if you do stand firm on a childfree marriage, then could you cope with your husband then feeling he had to break up with you, because he stands firm on wanting a child with or without SEN?

im not saying above is a reason to have a child, but please be aware that he also has a choice.

Hope everything works out the best for you both.

I do not think that the feelings of parents of children with special needs should stop OP from discussing her issues, thoughts and feelings just as another woman needing a termination and wanting to discuss it on a thread shouldn’t have to worry about the sensitivities of women with fertility issues who would love to have a child.

This is true, and it's another reason I would never have children. It's too unpredictable, too scary.

Not really. This is an anonymous forum. It's okay to say things on here that you wouldn't necessarily say to someone you know.

How do you feel about the forums on Reddit and Facebook filled with parents who are devastated that their children are disabled?

Thing is you can’t predict the future. Even if you have perfectly healthy children when you give birth the could have illnesses or accidents that disable them later on in life. Most peole rise to the occasion. Hopefully you will be able to too

OP isn’t saying you or your parents should feel devastated. She is saying she would feel devastated. You’re ok with it, she wouldn’t be. People are different, have different things they can cope with, different levels of resilience etc.

Well if you wouldn’t say it to someone in real life, that pretty much says it all!