Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

It is just life. What would you do then if you had kids and they were high end needs kids??

They are really valid concerns.
When my mum was pregnant with me she saw someone w Down syndrome and said she cried as she was scared I would have it (this was early 1970s when the term was ‘mong*l’. She had me quite late in life hence the worry.
i had two DC in early my 30s - 20+ years ago. They both had minor health issues at birth and one of my reasons not to have a third was not risking having a child with additional needs. I wouldn’t have coped. As it is they’ve struggled w their mental health, so it’s not been plain sailing, but it’s not the same as having a disability from birth.

I don't think it is.

I would be devastated to have a dog or cat. I would find it really hard and it would ruin my life. I'm not being offensive to cat or dog owners. I'm not telling them that they should be devastated. I often see posters on child free threads writing that they would be devastated if they fell pregnant. I don't find this offensive as someone with a child. We need to stop projecting.

Lots don’t cope. Or they ‘cope’ but are very unhappy, depressed, exhausted, anxious and are just surviving.

I don’t think your selfish OP, I think you’re brave and realistic. I have two healthy apparently neurotypical children. I also have similar levels of disability in my family and when I unexpectedly became pregnant last year this was something I definitely considered. I felt I have to carefully consider the risk and what I could cope with and how all outcomes would affect my existing children. Something that really helped me was I put all of my and DH family history into ChatGPT and asked what my risk of certain conditions was. My autism risk came back at about 7% which is obviously a 93% chance of not, when you consider this it is a small risk. Obviously I’m not sure how accurate this is and I wouldn’t advise making such huge life changing decisions based solely on what ChatGPT says but it did help me think rationally and not get ahead of myself. Also within that 7% there is of course a huge spectrum of how affected a child may be.

I think don't have children while you're feeling like this. The day may come when you have such a strong drive to procreate that you go ahead wiling to deal with whatever happens.

I hate this argument. Sometimes people don’t cope. Sometimes it truly breaks them. I was not coping with being a carer to my Grandmother with dementia and end stage COPD. I continued to do it but I was honestly going mad. I wound up with a phobia of sleep. I got PTSD from a mixture of that and caring for another family member. There was no coping. I broke a little more each day.

A friend who had an extremely violent and severely disabled child ended up in a psychiatric hospital more than once because of her situation. She was not coping and that was no reflection on her, her abilities, efforts and the love she had for her children. That situation would have broken anyone.

And yes these are worst case scenarios. Most situations with a child with additional needs are not so extreme but they can be and no, people do not always cope. No matter how hard they try.

I’ve suffered from infertility for years while my BILs and SILs have had children who are now aged 4-12. 5 children in total - all have a diagnosis of either autism, ADHD or both. And with it being genetic and running in families I’m weirdly quite relieved we haven’t managed to conceive.

It's commendable of the op to think of all the what ifs and decide that she couldn't cope and make her decisions based off that.

It is offensive to look at someone's child and say you would be devastated if you had to raise them, or one like them though.

Fair play OP. I actually wish more people really thought about having kids . Most people just have them with little consideration to cost, personal circumstances and the enormous consequences of some SEN.
I have huge respect for parents in SEN families. Their lives are taking a very different road, Their kids may never leave home and will always need them.
Good luck OP in whatever you decide is best for you.

If that's how you feel you'll have to accept not having children because no-one can guarantee you won't have a child with additional needs
I guess you could consider adoption. My cousin went down this route (for different reasons) but they were clear they couldn't cope with a child with additional needs. They adopted a 2 year old with no additional needs (but it's a long difficult process). Other than that I'm not sure what else you can do.

Yanbu OP

There are posts every day on here from parents with children with significant additional needs, saying they love their kids but they hate their lives, they can't cope, it's ruined their relationships, their other children are at risk from harm etc. Lots of people in this situation (and lots of people who have kids without additional needs) regret having kids. However others don't.

Ita a gamble. All you can do is arm yourself with knowledge, look at the risks / chances, which are likely low if you don't have a family history. And then make a choice if the risks are worth it after discussing with your partner how you would approach it (eg if you had a child that couldn't go to regular childcare)

If you feel you could not raise a child with additional needs you should not adopt. My DC are both autistic, I love being their Mum and it is very worth it for me as hard as some days are. I think realistically, you have very set expectations of what being a parent looks like. Even healthy NT DC are a roll of the dice, if you're not willing to be open minded it probably isn't for you.

Well, there’s your answer. Start looking at adoption.

Well that’s the gamble isn’t it. Everyone wants healthy children with no additional needs but sometimes that’s not the hand we are dealt. Even children who start off typical can have accidents/life-changing illnesses. We never know what’s going to happen. Sounds like perhaps it isn’t worth rolling the dice for you. That’s fine, it’s a valid choice.

OP do ignore those trying to castigate you. It’s your life and each of us have different views of what is and isn’t intolerable. I personally have known people who were devastated to have a child with severe additional needs. There are people whose lives are devastated by this. They shouldn’t be forbidden to speak this, and I have heard people living this be really angry at those who try to stop them speaking of how they experience their life. So given that some people are devastated, it’s perfectly rationale for you to forecast that you would be too, and it’s perfectly reasonable for you to want to talk about the dilemma this puts you in on an anonymous site.

I think this is amazing that you're admitting it to yourself that you don't want this possibility.

I wonder if those on this thread making the OP feel bad for her honesty would have chosen a life with children with additional needs? As all the parents I know with children with additional needs love their children deeply, but would have preferred to not live the life they're living.

When I had my children, I didn't need to think about them having SEN too hard, as there are so many more children now with SEN then there were 25 years ago.

I think only you can decide if it's worth rolling the dice OP. I think people cope with far more than they think they can when they're in the situation.

She’s not devastated for you or saying you should feel devastated. She is talking about how she would feel in that situation. Very different.

I never wanted children for various reasons and people used to say I'd be a good mother as I like arts and crafts and baking. I know life isn't all glitter, glue and cupcakes so I became a Brownie leader and then an Auntie. I'm no longer with Brownies but being an Auntie has been so rewarding and I have the best of both worlds. Glitter, glue, cupcakes and peace.

Except many people don't cope.

Two parents recently committed suicide after killing their severely disabled children - and sadly, their case isn't unique either.

best not to have a child.
I know more than one person who had a non disabled child. then there as an accident/illness.........ended up with a severely disabled child./

As a teacher in a SEN school for pre verbal children, I can understand how you seeing some of the experiences your cousin has as really challenging. As a teacher, I see how tough it is and how amazing the parents have to be and it’s also the non stop advocating for their children as the system doesn’t give the support out easily.

You can never guarantee anything and I expect a lot of the people saying to you not to have children (the ones who don’t have a child with disabilities) may also have no idea what it can be like.

If you love and have always wanted children then it’s a decision you’ll have to make as no one can tell you what the outcome will be. Can you see any hereditary links within your family of who might be autistic?

For what it’s worth, the children in my class are amazing and my job feels like I make such a difference and they are so loved by their families. You just adjust your expectations and focus on their progress.

I think it is good to know your limitations and your attitude towards risk.

This.

Don’t be devastated for me. I have muscular dystrophy. I love my life.

I have a friend who felt this way and did not have any children for this reason.
I must admit it is not something I considered when having kids but would certainly do now considering the numbers of children currently affected.