Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

@AvelinI’m the single parent of multiple children with needs - medical and neurodiversity. I’m not in the smallest bit offended by you expressing an honest view on how you’d feel to be living my life. Younger me would be devastated imagining my life as it is now. Current me finds it incredibly difficult and if I’d really thought about it, I may never have chosen to have children, much as I adore them. So I think you are sensible and thoughtful to consider it seriously.

YANBU-but wonder whether you suffer from an anxiety disorder such as health anxiety or OCD? I know a lot of people with children and strangely have never met anyone who has children with very severe disabilities. Most children don’t. There is no way of knowing how your future children will turn out. It’s unlikely that they’ll have disabilities to the extend of your cousin’s children.

It’s not rude. She is being realistic and thinking ahead. It’s not a good idea to have children knowing that there’s a possibility you could have a child with additional needs and that you know you could not cope with it.

OP, I agree with you. I did actually have one child (without even considering the possibly of additional needs beforehand- I’m not sure I would have had any children if I had considered it). A year after I had my daughter, my BIL had a child with severe autism. She was diagnosed very, very young. Seeing how hard their life is put me off having a second because I did not want to live a life as hard as they have it. I feel very sorry for them, their child will never leave home or work etc. Parenting for them in the daily caring sense will never end.

No one can tell you what to do, only you know what you are prepared to deal with.

she is allowed to express her own personal opinion and fears. You choose to take it personally.

YANBU of course as you are entiled to feel how you feel.

Funny thing is, when DH and I were planning a family back in the 1990s, this 'worry' never even entered our head. It wasn't even on our radar. In fact, I don't think it was on many peoples radar at all. But in the 2020s it is. I wonder why.....

I think it's sensible to be aware of it but I think that you can cope with more than you think, and when in that situation you just get on with it.
2 of my dc have some additional needs (asd) and parenting them can sometimes be a challenge but they function well in every day life and I get a lot of joy from being their mum.
Potentially I might not have had 3 kids had I known, or had I thought about how demanding the older years would be.

But I think to have one is ok, one with additional needs I believe you would be able to cope with.

I agree with this

Ops looking at her cousins very real situation and saying that she would be devastated to have her kids.

Saying you don't think you could cope in someone's situation is fine, realistic, and to be admired. Saying you would be devastated to live the reality of many of us is very different.

Adopted children are likely to have additional needs from trauma

Are you willing to share how severe the special needs are & what it entails for your cousin. This knowledge would influence my thoughts before answering with an opinion.

The other side is that even if you had healthy children on birth - they could always have a life alternating accident at any point, cancer, all sorts.

If you aren't prepared for that risk then it's probably best you don't have children

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel this way. It’s like a lot of children of alcoholics grow up tee total because they’ve seen the impact it has and never want to experience that.

It wasn’t something I considered when TTC but I haven’t had much exposure to children with significant needs like you have. You just presume everything will be perfect but you’ve see it’s not always that way and no one would want that life for themselves or their child, it’s not what you dream of when planing a family and I don’t think it’s wrong to acknowledge that.

Maybe adopt?

I too worried and got very bad anxiety after birth. I had none of these thoughts before

I understand this, but part of being a mother is supporting and loving your children no matter what – they could have SEND, develop a serious illness, become disabled later in life. If you already know that you couldn’t accept that, I wouldn’t roll the dice.

YANBU.
I have an autistic child and if I'm bluntly honest, if I had my time again I would not have a child.
People say there is not more autism than there used to be but I disagree - there is definitely something in the modern world causing it to be more prolific, so the chances of having an autistic child are getting higher. There is also a higher chance if you or your husband have any neurodiversity. It was only after my daughter was diagnosed that my husband and I realised we both have autistic traits.

I would talk to your husband. Maybe he feels the same as you.

I think it's okay to say you'd be devastated if your child was disabled. Nobody wants their child to struggle and suffer, do they?

Then don’t have children. I am autistic, low support needs as an adult, I was a pretty difficult child but that was due to lack of proper support, especially during school. DH has ADHD and was a very difficult child (by his own admission and also from what MIL says). We knew one of our kids would probably have some level of additional needs. DD1 seems neurotypical, DS has suspected autism. He presented very similar to me as a child but now he has support he’s much easier, once he gets a formal diagnosis and we can get him some more support at school I think he will lead a relatively “normal” life. DD2 is too young to know but she’s hitting all her mile stones. She is our last one, we would probably have had another but with DS being autistic we decided to stop at three.

Any one of them could also become physically disabled at any point. God forbid that happen but it’s possible.

Your children may not have additional need, like a lot of children don't, and how lovely for everyone that would be, and I was going to suggest adoption if that were your main concern, but then you said "healthy".

Unfortunately things can still happen, terrible debilitating accidents requiring lifelong care, serious illnesses resulting in disability, or worse. Having an autistic child is most certainly not the end of the world when you consider all of the other things that can, and sadly do, happen, and if that risk is too much for you to cope with then maybe having children isn't for you.

If I knew you irl and said "I would absolutely love to have kids, but I would be devastated if I had one that turned out like yours" I'm pretty sure you would take offence.

Neurodivergence is genetic.

If you really think about the adults in your family, are the traits there (ie did this come from your cousin’s side) and do the same with her husband? If the traits are in your own family (or your husband’s) the risks are so much more significant. It is unlikely that two neurotypical people from neurotypical families will have children who are neurodiverse. Note that a huge proportion of neurodiverse people in our generation will be undiagnosed.

However - neurodiversity aside, there are many other things which could lead to a child potentially needing more care or being disabled. Birth issues, an accident, other non genetic conditions that you can’t screen for…

Having a child will always involve rolling a dice.

I would have liked another child, however between child 2 and having potential child 3, I learned (through our real life) that there’s lots of neurodiversity in our family and that it was very likely a third would be neurodiverse too. My main concern was similar to yours - I know I would not cope with a severely autistic child, and I knew that because of the family genetics that I was previously unaware of, the odds would not be stacked in my favour. We decided against trying for a third child, and I know that was the right decision.

I don't think you are selfish. Selfish is having multiple children with little thought to their material quality of life.

Having said that, nothing is guaranteed OP. A friend's 4 year old suffered a non-fatal drowning and is now profoundly disabled.

I love my DC with every fibre of my being, but if I were 25 today, I would choose not to have children. For other reasons than disability though.

The thing is, everyone is ‘devastated ‘ in different degrees by not having what what they expect and very few get the ideal. You could have perfectly NT children who meet the wrong people and that happy ten year old is an angry, drug taking adict at 18. You could have a lovely, healthy child who has a devastating accident or life changing illness. No one knows whether they can cope with it - your cousin didn’t but she does because she has to. There is no choice. I thought I would have girls who loved books and would read like me and be perfectly biddable. I had two boys, one with multiple dfferences, the other who became diabetic aged 8. Neither of them read! They are, however, biddable and utterly lovely kind and gentle souls. Life was hard with DS1 mainly due to him not fitting into school very well and the system being a battle. Did I cope - yes. Was it hard - yes. Am I now hypervigilant all the time - yes but he is happy, works full time, has his own place and with our help lives independently. He is an utterly wonderful person. The thing you are not factoring in is love. I’m no mush bucket but the fierce, intense love you have gets you through. Statstically your child will be ‘fine’ but then again, who knows. I know where you are coming from. I was petrified number 2 would have significant needs but you can’t live your life on a what if. I must admit the diabetes was a walk in the park compared to autism (very verbal though) but your child will likely be NT and if not, for whatever reason, then you will cope because you will love them.

@Avelin something else that you may want to consider is the risk to yourself of birth injuries. Another complete unknown - until you have given birth. And something that is not talked about enough.

When my child missed milestones I found it very upsetting and worried a lot. I don’t think it’s offensive that others wouldn’t want that to be their experience. I didn’t want it to be our experience.

I think lots of people just assume their child will be fine so it’s good you’ve thought about it. You just have to accept there’s a risk if you have a child. Even if your child is healthy they could later have an accident and require care. It’s the responsibility you accept being a parent.

The lives of my friends with children with high additional needs are very hard. Surely we can admit that.

OP isn’t talking just from observation; she actually tries to help out her friend.