Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

I say this as a mum of 3 young adults who all have additional needs, 1 is pretty severely affected by ASD and a physical disability. There are many things which can be hard. Some children get cancer as young children. Some end up with addiction problems, are badly bullied or become teenage parents. There are car accidents, terror incidents etc.
No-one knows what life will throw at them and you can never prepare for many life events. Bringing up my DC has been tough but I would not change it. They are all well adjusted (imo) and live happy fulfilling lives.

Even if you have “healthy” children there are no guarantees.

But saying you only want children who are healthy/have no additional needs is!

You don't have a right not to be offended in life.

I'm sure it is shit to hear, but I don't know anyone who would actively choose tor raise disabled children - and it's okay to say "actually, I've seen the reality and it's not something I would want".

I think @Avelin is wise to look clearly at how she feels, and what she is prepared to risk.

We had similar discussions and decided where out lines in the sand were. Every bit of screening available, but accepting the risks of anything we couldn't check for.

One friend decided, seeing her sister struggling with a child with disabilities, she wouldn't risk it.

Another refused any testing because she knew she would cope come what may. But she thought it all through.

I think anyone who doesn't at least think about the potential risks is daft.

"She is amazing, but I know I wouldn’t last five minutes in her situation."

You probably would because most people just get on with it. But it also fine to feel you wouldn't want that life.

I think it’s realistic and honest to know your limits and it’s worth discussing with your dh. However the situation may be very different once you’re in it, plus it may not happen.

Im sure most parents would not choose to have a disabled or autistic child but once the baby arrives your love for them kicks in and you cope and thrive. I think it’s easier to deal with it rather than looking in from the outside like you are with your cousin.

I have a friend who has 3 dc with severe autism and I often wonder how she copes and think I couldn’t do it, but she is fine and has a healthy marriage despite the pressures on them. They are a strong family unit and going through life just the same as us despite the added pressure…..

There is a HUGE difference between not wanting someone to be born to begin with, and killing someone who already exists and has a life

However, the reality is that many parents who end up with severely disabled children can't cope and end up relying on 24/7 state care. There are cases all over the world where disabled children are abandoned in hospitals etc. because parents can't cope. Some choose to end their lives and those of their children.

You shouldn’t feel shit about your life. OP isn’t intentionally having a go at anyone, just stating how she feels about putting herself in that situation. I’m a great believer in the old saying that you don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re put to the test, but I don’t think it’s harmful to ponder on whether you would be up to the task, or not to want it.

Because its rude and offensive.

As I have said multiple times, recognising you couldn't cope in certain scenarios and talking about that, fine.

Looking at someone's child and saying you would be devastated to have a child like that is pretty shit.

I have an autistic child and no regrets but I do see/know parents from groups etc with far more ‘severe’ children and I really wonder how they cope, especially with how crap available support is.

Tbf I have a lot more respect for those who say ‘yeah I would struggle’ than those (often seen on mumsnet threads) who have nt kids but insist they could easily parent an autistic or ND child because they have ‘firm boundaries’ 😵‍💫

I think you are very sensible to consider the consequences if you have family members with a genetic tendency you do probably have a greater chance of issues.

My friend has two autistic primary aged kids and while its manageable at the moment, they will be taller and heavier than her in a few years and once she can’t restrain them,`I’m not sure what she will do. Her DH has pretty much checked out as he can’t cope. It’s hard to see how they will ever be independent how they are at present. No one will look after them as their behaviour is so challenging, partly for fear of them hurting themselves, let alone others. She is amazing, but I know I wouldn’t last five minutes in her situation.
My kids are grown up, born while I was mid 20’s - at the time there were tests for Down syndrome which we did, but I can’t say other special needs crossed our minds, but it probably should have done.

Women making a decision that’s right for them as an individual is not eugenics.

Why isn't it fine? Because you find it upsetting?

Over 80% of adopted children have recognised special needs. Children are only taken away from their parents in this country if the parents (and grandparents) are in incapable of rearing them or they are abusing them. It means the odds are against these children genetically and environmentally.

OP - I do not think you have been insensitive - you love your young relatives deeply, are involved in their lives and help your cousin.

Of course parents who have children with disabilities and SEN love their children unconditionally. I have a Dc with a physical disability who has required really confronting treatment and surgery from age 1 onwards to be able to be mobile. I would not wish that on any Dc and as parents it nearly broke us. I still feel traumatised.

I have two friends with non-verbal autistic young people who require intensive 2 to 1 support night and day. Their lives have been one long struggle - though as much to do with the fight for support as the condition etc of their dc. They have been unable to work for lengthy periods, gone without sleep for years, been injured. No loss of love for their treasured children, no reflection on the value that those children bring.

But in all honesty, is it a life someone envisages when they want children? And does recognising that cast aspersions on children with SEN, or their parents? personally I don't think so. I wouldn't see it as a comment on me or my Dc if someone had a termination if their baby was found to have the same condition as mine.

It's always a thing that can happen.

There are conditions that can be tested for during pg. Not ASD or learning disabilities that have no physical evidence (e.g Down's Syndrome) but there seems to be such strong evidence for the heritability of ASD that if there are no ASD traits on yours or your DH's family I would have thought that the chances were low - low anyway, whatever your family history.

Would you be happy to live your life having never become a mother? On the off chance?

There isn't a 'type' of parent who is more 'strong' than others - parents just love their kids and do what they can.

It's a tough topic but realistically there's always going to be risks with any pregnancy. I had similar reservations before having children because I work in the disability sector and I know how challenging it can be. I thought i would fall apart in that situation. My son has moderate autism and it was very difficult in the early years but we've worked really hard getting him the therapies and supports he needs and we have a lovely life. There's challenges but he's happy and healthy. Best of luck whatever you decide.

What would you do then if you had a healthy child who them got disabled...illness/accident/cancer....would you stop loving them/give them away? Best you don't have children. I think the word you're looking for is eugenics.

I have a son with additional needs, it was HARD when he was younger, he didn't speak, we had multiple appointments, he is now pretty much a typical teenager, he does have his difficulties. I ended up having a termination a few years ago after finding out I was pregnant, for the main reason it's likely to be a child with additional needs and I would be devastated if I had a child with significant needs who would impact both my children. I've been lucky to have a child who does have needs to not be hugely significant.

If the OP feels she cant risk having a child with additional needs adopting is NOT the way to go. Most adopted children will have extra needs, emotionally etc. Many are later diagnosed with FASD and you have no way of knowing the genetic history and chances of any hereditary conditions.

OP I do think it is sonething to consider, but the odds are still small and am guessing you drive a car, go on planes live your daily life.

The reality is that any of us could become disabled at any point we just dont like to think about it.

I have 6 children. One has complex needs, 4 others autistic/adhd but lower level support needs generally.. I didnt know about the older childrens autism and newds until after I had had my younger ones who have higher support needs. I still would have had them but it IS hard. I am not devastated though. I am sad at how hard life is for them and dealing with the systems to get education, support etc is breaking me.

I think its ok to consider these things but we do need to be thoughtful in how we voice that.

I dont know what the answer is OP, talk to your partner. Look at genetic history of your family. Only you can know how much you want a family. But having children isnt for everyone and thats a valid choice to make

I am the single parent of a child who became disabled at the age of 10, my 2 younger children are also autistic. I am fully aware how difficult it is.

It's fine to say you couldn't cope, it's not fine to say you would be devastated to have kids like mine.

My older brother, born perfectly healthy in the 80s, got an illness when he was a few weeks old that left him profoundly disabled. My parents were told he wouldn't live to see his first birthday but he made it to his early teens. Growing up as a glass child was difficult and did play on my mind when I came to have my own family. That's not to say my brother wasn't loved dearly. He was loved and cared for and is sorely missed. But all our lives would have been different if he hadn't been disabled.

My desire to be a mother was too strong and despite fertility struggles, I've managed to have two wonderful children who I wouldn't be without.

The illness my brother had could have been picked up from bacteria in incorrectly prepared formula. I have exclusively breastfed both of my children due to this, and because I suffered horribly from ENT infections as a child and wanted to do everything I could to stop my children suffering like I did.

As I'm now older I have decided to stop at two as the risks have increased with age. A family member has a physically disabled child who requires a wheelchair and it does make life less straightforward.

Only thing I would say is my daughter has some medical needs and I wouldn’t have said I felt confident about managing a child with these before I had her. My daughter (first child) was also unplanned and I didn’t feel confident about motherhood full stop and felt quite terrified and incredulous that the hospital let me leave to look after this tiny precious thing that I felt very unsure I could look after even after reading books etc. She was a high needs baby and the first months were an intense blur that we somehow came out of the other side of (although medical needs continued). I had some support. She is absolutely amazing and now thriving in school, y5. My skills and confidence grew as we went along. I am so glad I am her mum.
its worth talking it through with your dh, it sounds like he is good with kids and you could be a team. Your experience may not be the same as your cousins. Challenging in other ways maybe as I think parenting always is brutal in some ways even without disabilities, esp the early years but it’s amazing as well. You could find yourself knackered, wearing a three day old t shirt, house a tip, gazing adoringly at a pic of your kid eating a piece of cheese or something and thinking life is amazing. Just to put the other point of view 😀

How do you feel about the millions of disabled parents out there who are mentally destroyed by raising their children - or who go onto harm their children and themselves because they can't cope with the day to day reality?

I think it's perfectly okay to say "X would devastate me so it's not a risk I would ever take".

"I personally have known people who were devastated to have a child with severe additional needs. There are people whose lives are devastated by this."

It's fine for people to feel devastation about their own lives or think they would be devastated in a certain situation.

It's wrong to make assumptions about how other people feel about their own situations ( although I don't think that is what the OP meant).

My children's father is also autistic and I didn't pick up on it (it's obvious looking back)

So think carefully about your dp/dh and whether they have any autistic traits. If so: they may function well and lead a happy life but the chances of having an autistic child are high, and it could present very differently.