Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

It is absolutely fine to decide not to have children, but you must discuss it with your partner - he needs to know how you are feeling.

I need to rush to our local Sainsburys’ and tell that to the three DS checkout operators who work there. All young people too, so this can’t be a recent phenomenon !!

Again, I've said repeatedly that op is to be admired for thinking about this and knowing her limitations.

The thing with having children is that you don't get to choose, you have to take what you are given. I was just desperate for children. I had 5 boys, all with additional needs. It's hard but it is what it is and i love them all so much. If I'd have known in advance I would still have had them.

Sure. At 15:11, you said:

"it's not fine to say you would be devastated to have kids like mine."

Op has posted on an anonymous forum. That is not analogous to standing in front of you in the street and declaring that she’d be devastated to have a child like yours. No one forced you to click on the thread and read it, and no one is forcing you to engage.

Being uncomfortable with and/or offended by someone’s opinion doesn’t mean that a topic shouldn’t be discussed in order to spare your feelings. You cannot control what other people think, feel and post out, but you can choose to remove yourself from the thread if it’s difficult for you to read.

Love for children isn’t conditional, it just isn’t. Say you had a healthy child who later developed a life limiting illness, or was paralysed in an accident. You’d wish them gone? Of course not. I knew when I got pregnant with my first none of the test results mattered, I just wanted her. I think becoming a parent isn’t for you and that’s ok.

The poster seems to be implying that since the screening is now available, Women are not having children with DS. Which is just not true.

Exactly,

Nobody wants their child to suffer, or have disabilities, or to never be independent. It's not some massively controversial take 😬

Can you point out where I told op she can't say that?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

A very powerful programme to watch with mums talking about the very issues you don't want in life OP.

I have three children with SEN and I don't agree with pp that unless you willing accept and want and would be delighted with a child with additional needs you shouldn't have them. I was told my first child with dyspraxia was random bad luck. He was six when diagnosed and I had the other two in that time. You cope. You don't know any different and in no way do you need to be a saint and see it as a wonderful blessing, to be a great mum to a child with additional needs. That's bullshit and feeds into the "God only gives children to those who can cope" it's bullshit.

My eldest is very clever. Very. He never went to school and passed all his gcses with hardly any education. He is NT..He is super bright. Has crap MH. There is a whole mindfield with parenting without even thinking about sen. What if they are depressed, anxious, unpopular, rude, get run over, hate me, hate life, etc.

No apply that to relationships. What if they cheat, lie, hurt me, turn into Shreik. Do you stay celibate in case it could go TU? Mind you anyone can walk out from a relationship..kids are forever. There are worse things than having a ND child. Like waking up at 50 and realising you can never go back and your now infertile.

My kids have been a total joy and a total pita. Like any child. Fill me with pride and joy and mentally drain me. Much like dh I guess at times.

There's nothing wrong with that. It's much better to have thought about this properly beforehand, rather than just blindly going ahead. There's absolutely nothing wrong with deciding not to to have children, many women don't and have full and happy lives.

Yes, in one way you are being selfish but THAT’S OK! That’s not necessarily a bad thing in this particular context. Selfish is only a negative when it has an effect on others. You don’t believe you’d cope so you’re making a sensible decision not to take the risk. Very sensible. In my eyes that’s a good form of selfishness. And I say that as a (physically) disabled single parent to a child with Autism.

My life is filled with pain, stress, frustration, repetition, loneliness and more pain. However, I wouldn’t change my DD for the world and I’m still very glad I had her, if that offers you any insight?

Perhaps start another thread, asking those of us who have children with additional needs if we could go back, would we make the same decision? You might be surprised at (& reassured by) the answers, OP.

But it’s not really a valid viewpoint is it ? Because it isn’t rude or offensive to be honest about how you feel about something as important as this. And fair play to OP for giving it the consideration it deserves. OP isn’t criticising or denigrating those parents who are caring for disabled children, she’s merely questioning whether she’s up to the task herself.

Yep, you're right actually.

Down syndrome children don't exist?

But surely these things need talked about honestly? I would be devastated (surely most people would be? Genuinly how can you not be?)

Part of parenting is watching your children grow and develop and become independent and hopefully happy and healthy adults, so if you found out your child would never have the life you dreamed for them surely it's ok to feel devastated for them and for your future? Surely your future is undeniably different with a disabled child?

It's ok to say youd be devastated by the thought of still needing to support and care for your child long beyond what is natural.... its not a nice thing to think or talk about and it would be rude to say to someone but it's ok to admit youd be devastated to have this future for you and your family?

No one wants to give birth to a disabled child. That’s why since screening for Downs Syndrome was introduced you don’t see any DS children. Everyone has a termination. That’s not the same as saying people don’t want their disabled child once they have them. Lots of people have disabled children who they love and do an amazing job with. But its only honest to say it’s not a choice anyone makes.

This. Also there is no guarantee that a child could not develop some type of health problem, that they were not born with.

You're saying "you can't say X, it's offensive", though.

Ultimately, it's the same thing.

If you can't see that saying you would be devastated to live someone's life is different from saying you couldn't cope in certain situations then I don't know what to tell you.

That’s not remotely the same!

I don't think you're being rude at all, just honest

It’s actually a lot more than just meaningless bollocks. It’s dismissing and diminishing someone’s genuine worries and concerns because they make you feel uncomfortable. The equivalent of that most infuriating statement ‘you got this’ !!