Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

You shouldn’t have children , even if you give birth to perfectly healthy children all manner of things can mean you end up as carer to an older child / adult child .

It is unusual to be this anxious about an additional needs child. It’s probably not right to ttc at the moment, but work through the realities and if you could face it.

I actually didn’t have any of the screening tests in pregnancy because I knew I would not go through with an abortion. When I decided to have a child it was with the mindset that it is a leap into the unknown and I will take whatever life throws at me. Most times that humans think they are in control it’s an illusion. You play the cards you are dealt

@Avelin I've sent you a PM, but to save you some time the message is basically don't worry, and don't pay too much attention to what others have to say about your concerns.

Just fyi, parents of disabled or neurodivergent children aren't built better, stronger or more compassionate than those who don't have children or have children without additional needs. We become those things as a result of the hand we have been dealt and we step up because we would do anything for our children.

I’m a mum to 3 children, one has autism and learning disabilities.
You’re right , it’s hard and I think you’re being realistic .
I am tired all the time , I have no hobbies , I don’t really have a social life and I don’t have money .

Its like another thread that was posted today saying that autism is a spectrum condition. So just because you've experienced autism from one kid doesn't mean that they're all like that. I'm autistic and yet can live a fairly indepedent life albeit with some problems I've learnt to live with. I wouldn't choose not to have kids based on the reason only that they might be born with special needs. If everyone did that, there will be far less people in the world.

I think it’s mature thing to do to consider this. And it’s only natural that you take in your life experience which includes your cousin’s life.

i had more experience of some friends I know having a close call with birth trauma (in one case very tragic) and I was mostly terrified of the birth trauma resulting in profound disability to a child, but I thought about autism, trisomy (done full NIPT panel both times privately and researched the heck out of reliability of results). And I also thought about the risks of things happening later in life as nothing is guaranteed.
the risks are small but not non existent.

in the end I felt stronger desire to have my own biological children that outweighed my fears.

Being a parent is letting a lot of control go over many things. But it’s very normal and natural to think about various scenarios.

Can only speak for myself but I'm not offended at all when people are honest about their limitations.

I wish everyone put thought into whether they would be a good parent and made decisions based on that rather than them wanting a child and not taking time to consider whether they can be the parent a child needs in every circumstance.

Even if they are born healthy it doesn't mean they'll stay healthy. So I think it's best you don't have them.

You should have children because you want children. Regardless of who they turn out to be.

You cannot have children with the expectation that they will be anything at all. They will be their own people, additional needs or not.

You roll the dice every time. It's why I won't have a third child especially due to my age. However at your age the odds are heavily in your favour that your child will not have significant additional needs. There is a lot of autism and ADHD in my family; some relatives will never be able to live independently. I was very lucky: one of mine is autistic but will be able to live life independently and is doing very well at school, is tricky to manage at home but isn't violent, the other is neurotypical as far as we can tell at the moment. I wouldn't be without them and I wouldn't change them.

OP knows that there are no guarantees. Hence her thread. And I think that carefully considering what she can deal with shows a great deal of maturity.

OP. It’s exhausting. There is never an escape, really. But I am having a bad day.

As mother to a disabled child, I don’t think people with disabled children are strong, brave and admirable. Most people with disabled children just get on with the cards they are dealt with.

I don’t think the OP is insensitive, but it shows a certain immaturity - only wanting children if she can guarantee that they’re healthy.

There are no guarantees,

I'm autistic too and totally agree with you. I'm not sterilised but I wouldn't want a any child to experience what I have.

If you are serious about minimising the chances (you cannot eliminate them) then check out the genetics of your own family and the person you are procreating with, crack on and complete your family earlier in life (under 35) and don’t smoke, drink or use any substances in pregnancy. Obviously none of these would eliminate the risk but on a population level they are risk factors. When you have a child you love them unconditionally whatever may happen and you have to go into it with that mindset.

I have a sister with a spontaneous chromosome anomaly that has affected many aspects of her life and my mother’s life. Being a bystander to the struggles of parenting a complex-needs child gives you a very different perspective to being the parent. I can totally understand how OP feels how she does. I felt similarly, both in how much I loved children and wanted to have them and in being worried about having a child who could have additional needs. I had all the tests I could during pregnancy and just tried to push the worries out of my mind. I also tried to have the mindset of others who hadn’t seen as much as I had, and just believe that of course everything would be okay. OP, I definitely don’t think this means you shouldn’t have kids. I know you feel scared but don’t let that stop you and risks are higher the longer you wait.

See my dd saya this, she is pda. Poor girl struggles with basic things. Its very sad and its life limiting.

That is not what she said. She said she had a great admiration for people coping with the cards dealt - she just doesn't think she would cope.

OP - have you discussed this with you DJ? Does he know how you feel?

I feel the same. I’m currently about to pop with number 2 (already have DS who has no additional needs that we know of) and although I’m super excited to meet her, I am also slightly anxious in case anything is or goes wrong.

I don’t know why it’s taboo to admit you don’t want a disabled child - it’s not something many people would actively choose, after all! And parenting is hard enough anyway without throwing additional needs into the mix.

Sorry, just read my comment back and it seems a bit abrupt. Not meant that way, my apologies. I think maybe you’ve hit the nail on the head - with this level of anxiety maybe having children isn’t the right thing to do.

This. I have a DS with ADHD and while he's not severely disabled by it compared to others, if he chose not to have kids in case they had it too, I would not blame him in the least. He's lived it and had a tough time due to his condition

No one is talking about your child. OP is not saying this to her cousin. You don’t have to be on this thread at all if it’s triggering.

Me too! The amount of children with additional needs seems to be on the rise and rise so the statistical odds arent exactly stacked in my favour. I won't take the risk.

Sounds brutal and I really dont mean to offend but it's how I feel. I completely understand where you're coming from OP.

The parents who have this experience as their reality I think are formidable people and their children are very lucky to have them. I wouldn't make a very good job of it and I could see myself so unhappy.