Annoying MIL

My mum can be similarly insensitive. Complaining to me that her 4 bedroom house is too small, making disparaging comments about my (much smaller) house. I don't want her money. It would just be nice if she'd realise how different life is now than it was for her, and think before she talks.

You took the very words out of my mouth.
Well said.

Is that you mum?

You don’t even know if this person is a boomer. Could be any age from about 40 onwards. But if you are referring to people over 60 something. They tend to rely on acquired wealth for income. This is a pension. Look it up.

I get you OP!! I was very close to my late MIL but she still sometimes did things that I felt insensitive. We had two small children and were struggling financially, we hadn’t had a holiday in years and really needed a break. She had inheritance from parents and life insurance from late FIL and was spending huge amounts on once in a lifetime holidays (travelling the world but def more than once). One holiday cost £20k. Of course it was her money to do as she pleased but I know myself I’d be treating my children and definitely not spending huge amounts on a holiday if they hadn’t been away in years!

I don't know where this expectation has come from that the older generation has some sort of obligation to give money to their offspring, or why young families seem to expect the same sort of financial security as their parents.
The child-rearing years have always been and will always be the most expensive time of your lives. This is not new, although some on mn seen to be under the impression that their generation are unique and that every young family of previous generations was much better off than they are. They weren't, although spending and expectations were much lower so they did not 'need' as much money as today''s families think they do.
It's your MIL's money, it's not yours.
Your time will come. As the years go by you will get pension lump sums and may inherit and they YOU will have the money you crave now. It was ever thus.
I do realise that everyone on MN is going to give all their money to their children and not expect any help from them as they are going to live indeoendent lives for ever but the reality will be somewhat dufferent i suspect.

I dunno if you think you're funny or clever. Maybe you think you're both. Grow up and stop blaming your issues on other people.

There are some parents who want to help their children and not watch them struggle, and some that are too self absorbed. You’re not going to change her. She is probably trying to save all her pennies in case she needs it one day, but she forgets that she will also need her children to look after her one day too. I never understand why older people feel the need to keep telling their children about their inheritance one day, like dangling a carrot over them. Memories count more than money.
It is frustrating but you have to try and let it go or it will eat you up. She sounds like the kind of person that if she did help you out when you really need it, you would always be obligated to her and guilt tripped, so you are probably better off without her help anyway.

How does your DP feel about her comments? I would be a bit upset if my DIL talked to me about money comments I'd made but would probably listen to my son - it wouldn't seem as money-grabbing somehow. I agree with you though and think it's a shame she can't see your situation.

When she starts talking about the massive inheritance you can expect, just say that it's now you need it, not in thirty years time. In a neutral, matter-of-fact tone. Say it each time she mentions it.

I think she is being insensitive and it sounds as though your MIL is constantly talking about it.

I think always rely on yourself for finances and not look to anyone for a helping hand.

Ageism, like any form of bigotry, is foolish.

And very unattractive.

The difference is that those on a pension will never experience a real pay rise, only keeping up with inflation at best. And unlike younger people,they are unlikely to be able to take a second job to earn more.

Plus most are living on a fraction of what they previously earned. Whatever comes in at the end of the month, that's it. It can be very frightening.

You can't tar an entire generation with the same brush. Many Boomers are not wealthy at all. Including my parents.

It sounds like you’re in a very different situation to OP’s MIL. I don’t think anyone would think you should be helping out your children, but hopefully you also wouldn’t make comments about the size of their house!

Sincerely, how is a pension not the same? You get money every month and know how much is coming.

Her money, her choice. My parents gift but are pretty poor. My mil is pretty well off and gives nothing. Her attitude is that you need to pay your way. And that's fair enough. It's sometimes frustrating when our lives could be dramatically changed and it wouldn't impact hers to give but it's up to her.

Your MIL sounds really annoying and completely tone deaf. What does your DH think about his mum constantly boasting about having more money than she knows how to spend and telling you that you need more space but never offering to help you out financially?

I'd massively reduce the time I spent with her. She is tactless at best and at worst she is deliberately rubbing your face in it.

The posters that have said that you have no right to any of her money are correct, but you don't have to listen to her goady comments.

We are late boomers and early retired and relatively well off. We have gifted significant sums of money to our daughters for houses, cars, grandchildren and give regular money gifts. We also pay for family holidays as we can afford it and our daughters can’t at the moment. My mum does the same with us. Neither of us are jeopardising our future care costs and can’t see why others don’t do the same. If your MIL inherited money it is quite selfish not to pass some of that on to your DH and you. I would say something to her if she talks about having too much money. Tell her it is insensitive and you don’t want to hear it. She sounds like the sort of person though if she gifts money it will come with strings attached.

Oops, looks like the boomers are annoyed at being confronted with their behaviour. Standard!

Odfod

You need to be blunt. When she comments on how crowded you are, say yes, but we can't afford to move. When she brags about how much money she has to spend, give her a blank look and change the subject. When she says you're going to be so well off when she dies, then reply hmmmm and change the subject (although I'd be tempted to wind her up and say can you die in the next month then, because we're broke 🤣).

Ultimately though, your husband needs to spell it out: it is really tactless for her to talk about money so much when you and he are struggling. If she still doesn't tone it down, then I'd see less of her as it's just going to annoy you.

OP, I agree with you.
People like your MIL turn my stomach.
No self awareness, but how they love to talk about how much they have and like its a burden.

See a lot less of her would be my advice.
I could no more see a child of mine suffer if I could help, particularly a young family in todays climate.

Neither my husband nor I received money from our parents and were so fortunate that we earned very well.
However, our children despite being well qualified may well need help.
I would much rather have the joy of helping them than frittering money away in my 60' and 70's.

Yanbu to be irritated by her.
She sounds dim, obtuse and annoying.

Millennials gonna whine.

OP, there are two of you sharing a mortgage. I'm a single mum and yet I pay my mortgage by myself. You have two incomes, twice as many hours in the month. You split every other bill between you.

So, no, no sympathy for your financial situation really. You are both adults and should be able to support yourselves. Take a second job if you are struggling.

She shouldn't discuss finances though. Always better to avoid money as a topic.