Annoying MIL

Maybe she doesn’t have as much as she say.
A lot of older people are out of touch now with how money is. My octogenarian grandad acts as if anyone earning over 30k is absolutely minted! We earn more, sometimes struggle a little but he thinks we are just irresponsible with money 😆 he doesn’t realise how things are these days

I think people will say you're wrong, but i don't think you are. She doesn't have to offer money but she should keep her mouth shut about it, and if it were my kids I would be offering money!! So although it shouldn't be expected, I think any decent person would be offering.

Of course they have

I told them to enjoy it now or leave it to the donkey home as I will not be blackmailed for anyone

Im 'evil,unreasonable and have a drinking problem & personality disorder' apparently

They may try to ‘blackmail’ you with promises of a large inheritance for your help?

Hmm I might have a bit of a different perspective here but as a teacher at the top of the pay scale, I won’t get any further non-inflationary payrises without changing my circumstances.
I don't doubt it’s frightening to have to live off a third of your previous income, but that’s what retirement planning is all about.

And then OP’s MIL sounds like she actually does have money to spare! OP isn’t entitled to it, but I’d find anyone with surplus cash moaning about it while I’m struggling very tedious. It’s just basic manners.

Exactly but unforunately no one wants to know as it does not fit the rhetoric that no generation has suffered more than today's young families.
High mortgage rates, no childcare subsidies, no UC, no flexible working etc are airily brushed aside because house prices.
Yes, houses are more expensive now but just about everything else - food, energy etc - are proportionally cheaper than they were in the past.
The average age for home ownership may have risen but so has the average age for starting work. The school leaving age used to be 16 when i was at school, so it's perfectly possible that someome my age (58) had already worked six years by the time today's graduates (and most are) join the workforce. That's a six-year head start to getting a mortgage. I got my first mortgage at 22 but i had already been working for four years at that point. Today's equivilent would be 26 i think?
I also wish we could lay to rest the nonsense that most families could live comfortably on one wage as i am sure the lifestyle of families im the 70s and 80s would be regarded as boardering on poverty these days. Lifestyle creep has a lot to answer for.
I had a sahm but if her expectations included driving her own relatively-new car, entertaining us with days out, activities, soft-play, regular holidays, new toys and clothes, and enjoyed regular hairdressing, manicures, lunches and coffees out, clothing, gym membership etc our family could not live on one wage either.
So yes, houses undoubtably are more expensive but this fact carries a lot of heavy lifting in the endless whining about how no generation has ever had a worse deal than today's 30 somethings.
Some things ARE worse now but some things are better. Every generation has its struggles, they are just different.

I agree with you. My parents would definitely offer and I would for my children. Are you sure she’s not ever offered anything to your husband and he’s turned it down out of pride? Could that be her reasons for bringing it up, almost a reminder of her offer? That might be a little optimistic on my part but it’s super strange of her to not realise how tone deaf she is being.

Next time she mentions money in that way I’d make a comment about how you wished you were in that situation and with your current money struggles you can’t imagine ever being where she is. Make her realise.

I'm with you OP. I am working my ass off now in order to provide for my own DC. We have had no help whatsoever from DH's separated/remarried/very obviously well off DP, and some help from my own (comparatively skint) DP.

I can't wait to gift my DC cars and house deposits when they grow up, and I struggle to understand people who don't share this outlook, when the money is sat there. Why would you not help your own have a better life? Baffling.

It is very insensitive of her and I'd tell her so if I were you.

Why dont you just ask?!

she’s not a stranger, she’s DHs mum ffs. If you need support ask, everyone isn’t a mind reader. Just plugging along obstinately and being resentful of her not twigging you want help isn’t really fair.

you have to give her the option before holding it against her.

She’s being insensitive. It’s her money, but she doesn’t have to talk about how much she has etc while knowing your situation. My parents would never treat me like that and I would never treat my children like that; I’ve been saving for their futures since I registered their births. Lower your expectations of her.

Personally I couldn't see my children struggle like this while I was comfortable. There's something fundamentally wrong with people who are comfortable with it - don't they feel guilty?? It's really abnormal to care so little about your kids just because they are now grown up.

Not all boomer parents are like this, not at all. My parents are boomers and don't have an awful lot of money, they don't own their home and live in a council flat. They're paying for us to go on holiday with them this year (in the UK) because we can't afford a holiday. They are eternally generous even though they don't have a lot, and I am grateful for it.

OP, YANBU.

I have sleepless nights worrying about how with my limited resources I can help my children with property etc. And I know my partner feels the same about his children. I think your MIL is either really thick, an ignorant vain woman who has no idea what it’s like to struggle, or how difficult things are for younger generations, or that there is a lack of love on her part. Maybe she really does not care for her son. Either way it must be very grating for you.

For responsible parents there is a difficult balance here. On the one hand we want to help our children, & appreciate the world has changed dramatically in ways that mean working people are really struggling. On the other hand we want to have a little life - after decades of working!- while we still can. How to manage this is not easy, but loving parents want to help & try to do so.

I would certainly not ever raise this with her. With someone this stupid/vain/uncaring it will just lead to a shitstorm. If you can, maybe dissuade her from burning money on stuff like new cars (losing money as soon as driven off the forecourt). Far better to spend money on home improvements that may make her more comfortable, enable her to stay living independently in her own home longer, and maybe (though I really would not count on this) even go towards an inheritance.

It is really horrible to see how little some older people realise the world has changed, and how selfish they are.

Actually boomers relate to baby boomers - so all those born post war up to 1964.

YABU, maybe, to expect any help but she is more U to keep making disparaging comments about your house and boasting about her new car when yours died!

Mine gave us £6k house deposit as a wedding present (would be worth a lot more now adjusted for inflation) and that is the sole reason we have almost paid off a house 15 years later. Help doesn't have to be constant or lifelong.

This was 20 years ago. She was young and had already travelled the world more than once. In that situation I’d 100% help my children. I actually do. I enjoy holidays with just DH but I still treat my adult DC regularly, I love to share the money we have with making their lives easier. It is my money and yet here I am sharing it and making their lives richer and happier. As a mum that’s where I get my pleasure, I guess not all mums get pleasure from that. I could never watch my kids struggle to afford a weekend away whilst spending 20k on my own holiday! Im not made like that. We also received inheritance ourselves and have already shared it with DC.

I know my dad was earning £130k when they separated in the mid 1990s. I had a very privileged childhood growing up in the 80s. So I was extremely lucky. It's just been a shock that I can't give my kids half of what I had, despite having a degree and a career. But then my mum was trapped as a SAHM in an unhappy marriage and no amount of money would make me want that life!

My parents, especially dm, are always talking about their next holiday. They are abroad at the moment and have a cruise booked for April and dm said we don't have anything booked for March! I'm on UC, work a zero hours contract and life is a struggle. I don't expect to be bankrolled but it does feel like she's rubbing my nose in it. (I'm 60, youngest dc leaves school this year). They did pay annual subscription (£100) for dd3's sport but due to an injury she hasn't gone much recently so dm has told me it was a waste of money! I wish I'd paid it myself tbh.

This!

I am 61 and we do now have money and we help our son and DIL when we can.

I’m not sure if people realize how much we all struggled in the 80s. Mortgage rates were through the roof and we struggled to put food on the table too.
We didn’t even have a land line for the first four years as we couldn’t afford the installation. Honestly and I say this with huge conviction we were absolutely poorer than you are now.

this Boomer thing pisses me off so much tbh!!

We lived with my parents for two years to save a deposit for a house, we lived so fucking frugally.
All of our furniture was what family didn’t want and dumped on us😂.
It’s really hard to remember those days when the kids were small and I for one never want to be that skint ever again.

Yes we have money now and help when we can but we deserve our financial reward for how we struggled.

Please believe me when I say we were poorer than the families today we had absolutely nothing when we brought our children up !!!

Probably because compared to earlier generations it is much harder for the younger generations. Average age to buy a house in the 70s was 24. It’s now 35. It used to be very possible, almost normal for a whole family to live well off one salary. Not anymore.
Being so naive to the struggles of young people is what builds the resentment. You think your generation had it hard? Spare a thought for young people then because it’s harder for them.

I honrstly don't know where this widespead MN has come from that today's young families are unique in their financial struggles and every generation before them have no idea of their suffering.
It's uttely bizarre.

Thegoldenoriole
people in jobs have options, however limited. Your pension is a stagnant payment for the rest of your life

This 100%

Are you sure you know what 'life was like for her'? Most young families have it tight, then have more money later in life. It's always been the way for most people. My kids were surprised looking back at photos from when they were tiny. "Man, you had really crap furniture then!" Had to acknowledge it was true and was able to give them the reality check that when you start with nothing, you build up along the way. I think you can call her out on insensitive comments but most parents will look back on the time they were where you are.

It's her money!
Of course you think you'll give all yours away and you think you are the 'disadvantaged' party now. Your MIL may well not have had had holidays when her children were young and does not realise they are now regarded as an 'essential' for today's young families.
They didn't used to be and looking forward to more holidays when retired used to be a thing. People expect everything NOW.