To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

I can see on paper how that sounds better than being single. And it is of course for many people. But for me, since my divorce (amicable and a healthy relationship) I just have no interest in being with anyone else. I can’t imagine finding someone I’d want to spend all my time with. I’m very social and have loads of friends and go on holiday with them etc, but I also love being alone. It was a revelation to me after having been in a 25yr relationship/ marriage!

edited to add, the financial aspect is a downside for sure. I could have a much bigger house etc. But I have my own small house and it’s all mine, and that’s fine for me

I'm married and its so much better than when I was single, not just financially but we genuinely enjoy each others company.
Like you I assumed I would get married in my late 20s like all my friends were. I was so sure I would that I put off buying a house as I would be buying one with my husband. I then embarked upon a series of disastrous relationships with complete fuckwits.
I finally got a grip at 45, ditched dating and started saving for a house and met my husband at 51. So yes, I would have been far better off staying single and when I met him I had accepted that a relationship that led to marriage wasn't going to happen and I became truly happy.

I swore blind to friends I was done with the bullshit and unless someone truly wonderful came along who would add something to my life I would be happily single forever.
I do wonder if I gave off an air of desperation which men picked up on 🤔

I don't think there any guarantees whether you're single or in a relationship tbh.

I left my marriage nearly 10 years ago and have been ostensibly single ever since (well, file it under 'it's complicated' for the last few years - a kind of situationship, I guess).

I know what you mean about the practicalities - I have a second job to make ends meet and when life gets busy or I've been unwell and there's no one to pick up the slack I do wonder if the grass is greener, but overall I wouldn't change where my life is at now.

I'm 41, single for 2 years and feel the opposite.

I don't have children but exh was the equivalent of one - I had to plan and prepare everything, to the point I started to resent him. He did not add anything to my life towards the end.

I appreciate being fully in charge of my own time and my own destiny. It would take an absolute unicorn of a man to enhance my life.

I invest a lot into my friendships and definitely prefer their company over romantic relationships.

I have a fwb for "itches" though!

my heart breaks for them (because they’re single)
what a thoroughly depressing attitude. Many many people are CHOOSING it. My heart breaks for you that it isn’t an option available for you.

I think you’re right. For me at least, having a loving partner does enhance my life. The key word there is loving.

Can't say I relate tbh. I love being single and have been for 10 years.

Having left a 20yr relationship i am currently 100 times happier single. BUT I do agree that in the right relationship life would be easier. The problem is there are so many couples who are miserable together. I even know couples who have admitted it but are too scared to be on their own or can't afford to split. Stay for the children etc...

My relationship wasn't always bad. We were very happy for a long time but when it did go bad we held on for too long. Years of being unhappy together. I think that's why pro single propaganda is helpful. Proper need to see that being single is not something to be scared of. Too many people would rather be miserable in a couple than single because they fear being alone.

So I don't agree that being single is not what its cracked up to be. I'd far rather be single and happy than be miserable in another relationship.

Nope. I am very happy being single.

I have had only bad experience with men in my life and what I read on this forum and in the news these days convince me that decent men who respect and support women and see them as equal in relationships are truly rare.

@mamajong

Personally i love being single. As the main breadwinner in most of the relationships i have had, i am actually better off financially. I love the freedom to do as i please, i dont want a relationship but do enjoy some 'friejds with benefits' set ups. I have friends to help me out with bits around the house like DIY etc but what i really miss is someone to share the burden of big decisions - which mortgage should i take, shall i change my car, should i save my annual bonus or have a holiday. When i am ill, i misd someone making dinner or doing the chores (though my ex was a bit shit at that). What i remind myself of though is the anxiety that stemmed from.his shady behaviour - secretive with his phone, picking arguments and then 'storming out' to god knows where, being lazy af about basic chores, gaslighting me and making me feel crazy....

This kind of sums me up (except I don’t “love” being single). There are things I love about having a companion and things I hated. Similarly there are things I love about being single and things I hate.

Dating however I hated with a passion ZERO exception. Dating is literally the ghetto.

I adore being single

In my 40s

Never again will I bother with a man

Ever

I have a few houses
Happy kids

Loads of pets

Many holidays each year

I could not be more content

I think for me I found both had pluses and minuses that cancel each other out.

Now I am single and don’t miss relationships enough to actively date.

Your post although understandable given what you've been through is also imo really sad that you feel this is the treatment dished out by all men if not sooner then later. Friends with benefits is fine if that's what makes you happy. I can't imagine having a 'pool of men' who offer to exchange chores for sex. I couldn't look them in the face before they left. 😂This is a personal feeling & just another view, not a judgement of those happy with the set-up.

Excuse the emoji. I couldn't delete it.

I think YABU but I really do understand as I was single for a long time in my 20s and 30s and also supported myself in my own mortgaged house with a couple of dogs. I did a lot of the DIY and decorating by myself but also called on female friends to help.

Th full financial responsibility did worry me as well and I had some very down times.

However, then I met someone and moved in with him and soon realised that living in my own was preferable to living with him. Yes I always had company, someone to do fun things with and someone to share with but it turned out he was a manipulative, gaslighting bastard.

I went back to my home and found the peace I needed.

what made being single (for me) easier was having good female friends who were mostly single too so I had people to support and listen and do fun things with. The understood it all too.

It is incredibly expensive to live by yourself so I have no advice for that, but a strong supportive network makes being single great. I don’t know how I’d have coped without that.

Being single is tough financially. You see all the subs and handouts that families get but there is precious little help for you. Instead you get a measly 25% offf your council tax while you overtly subsidise the selfish family of 4 next door by still having to pay 75% of what they pay. Council tax is very poor value for single people.

I personally absolutely love being single.
I had two long relationships, the first one, we were living together, the second we kept living separately.
Both were good and non abusive. Still very goodd friends with both guys.
Yet, I didn't like living with someone. The second one was better because I had my own space and my own life.
But now being single, it's even better. I have my own space, my own life, my own time and my emotional independance.

I have a pretty rich social life, loads of amazing friends, hobbies, activities and a little dog, so I never feel lonely.

There is plenty of casual sex around too and I can have a new man every week if it takes my fancy.

That's pretty optimistic of you. What sort of sort of quality of man would they have to be to get q different man every week. The type who would shag anything.

I’ve lived alone/with my DC’s for over 10 years now. I’ve had relationships in that time and also been single. I think these feelings you’re experiencing are because 9 months isn’t that long out of a relationship that wasn’t healthy. You’re seeing what you’re missing but not what you gain by being single.
Time does change your perspective.

I would like someone to be affectionate with, but I also like to be completely alone and do what I want. It’s not lonely it’s what helps me recharge so I have the headspace to be happy. I wouldn’t always get that in a relationship, certainly not in a bad one. I don’t need a man financially and I was always the higher earner anyway so things like pooling finances would always have disadvantaged me. That why I never did it.
Try to reframe what you have instead of what’s missing.

I love being single and my own company. No downsides at all.

I think the grass isnt always greener but it sometimes feels like it is. My married friends are envious that i am not kept awake by snoring, dont have to plan my time aroumd someone else or compromise on holiday choices or major purchases. Some of them are very unhappy but dont feel able to leave, others are hapoy overall but have somd frustrations.

Personally i love being single. As the main breadwinner in most of the relationships i have had, i am actually better off financially. I love the freedom to do as i please, i dont want a relationship but do enjoy some 'friejds with benefits' set ups. I have friends to help me out with bits around the house like DIY etc but what i really miss is someone to share the burden of big decisions - which mortgage should i take, shall i change my car, should i save my annual bonus or have a holiday. When i am ill, i misd someone making dinner or doing the chores (though my ex was a bit shit at that). What i remind myself of though is the anxiety that stemmed from.his shady behaviour - secretive with his phone, picking arguments and then 'storming out' to god knows where, being lazy af about basic chores, gaslighting me and making me feel crazy....

The risk when you really want a relationship is picking the wrong one and being blind to red flags. Shitty men have a radar for that need and can play the 'perfect boyfriend' for long enough to get their feet under the table and then can damage your life and self worth.

Learning to be happy single, taking the bad with the good, radiating self love - thats the best way to attract the right person and im sure he is out there for you. Try to do things to meet new men in a safe and low key way regularly. For me, walking groups, watching local bands and volunteering has led to meeting a far better pool of potential partners than dating apps, speed dating and single nighrs ever have.

I think whether you love being single or not is very much an individual personality thing, and possibly ND/NT plays a part too.
I don’t find being alone lonely, on the contrary, I find it peaceful.
so I think you can say that you don’t like being single, and that’s fine, but you can’t make a blanket statement for everyone.

Based on my experience in my twenties it's nice being single for a few months after a long term relationship ending but then the loneliness starts to set in, especially when winter rolls around. I wouldn't choose to be single because it gives me great happiness sharing my life with my person.

Met my person at 42 so dont confine your life as done and dusted.

I think it varies hugely.
For me the best thing is having a great partner, one who truly respects, values and understands me. If I can’t have that then the next best thing is being single. Worst thing is being in an unhealthy relationship.
Finding that special person is not that simple though. So many people don’t put effort into their relationship.
Lots of people won’t entertain a relationship yet they moan about being single.
Likewise many people tolerate terrible relationships for various reasons.

I'm 38 and have never had a boyfriend, perpetually single, live alone and always have done since moving out at 24 yo.

I had sex once or twice when I was 18, and the next time after that was with an overseas colleague on a work trip in 2024 👀

I used to long for a relationship, and thoight (never spoke!) a lot about when will it be "my turn", I just want to know what a boyfriend feels like etc etc but as I get older I am starting to see a different view.

To me, being single is my safetey net. It allows me to plan properly. However well intentioned, people and relationships are unpreictable and romantic relationships especially are based on the whims of hormones. I am emotionally stable outside of one, all of my decisions are truly from my own heart without being influenced by another person, my emotional state is not at the mercy of another person's actions (again - even in kind & loving relationships, it is hard) and crucually - I'm not gambling my financial security on someone continuing to love me.

This might sound like I have trust issues, I don't but I am just incredibly realistic about what (even good) relationships do to people (as well as all the positive stuff they also do).

It's the same reason I think having a baby alone or parenting solo is far more predictable and stable than in a couple. I am predictable to myself. Other people are not so don't count them in.