To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

I understand the sentiment OP.

You would like to share your life. Have someone ask if you fancy a tea, or what shall we eat/watch/do tonight? It feels good to have someone think about you, consider you, and have you in their heart. It is also nice to give that to someone.

Clearly, those who have been badly or poorly treated find happiness and relief in not having the burden of someone else. My aunt springs to mind. She is thriving.

But I do think that in the main, humans always have and always will, build some sort of family unit.

Just so you know, I met dh at 38. The oldest two are in uni now and the youngest is getting close.

Has it been perfect? Definitely not.

But it has been good. It has been our unique, flawed, frustrating, loving, time together.

I am grateful for it, would not swop it, and so very glad I jumped into it.

I know you mentioned you don't like dating apps & no doubt you've had less than perfect outcomes. I know lots of women who have had positive experiences & they have met some very compatible men.

One work colleague in particular was being pursued by a man who was not her type looks wise & according to his profile he was shorter than her which put her off. I persuaded her to at least give him a chance given they had similar interests & goals etc. They are now happily married & her only regret is she didn't meet him sooner in life.

Having a high income generally makes life easier and more enjoyable and gives you more opportunities to choose than being a average earner and much easier than being poor.

A second income in a household is therefore helpful. It's not unreasonable to say that.

But what do you want the outcome of this post to be?

A loving, supportive relationship with a kind, respectful, funny, interesting man who does his fair share around the house and enjoys similar activities while also increasing your household income significantly would be great.

I am also similar age and long term single. I can recognise that.

But it's not like we get the choice to just go out and start that relationship, is it? And sadly there doesn't appear to be loads of men out there that meet those criteria.

My long term thinking is looking at co-living. Group of excellent female friends, in a jointly owned building converted into small (but stylish) flats but with a large communal kitchen, living room, gym, gardens for shared dining and activities (but with own small kitchen in flat when you can't want to be alone). Add some shared guest bedrooms that can be reserved so families can visit. Community and support and companionship for independent women. That's the dream.

You will get loads of people telling you how happy they are single on these posts. That's great for them, but it's a bit tone deaf to tell that to someone who isn't happy.

I've been single 10 years. I used to be married and I liked being married. I don't like being single, but in 10 years I've not met anyone to have a relationship with. I've never got beyond date 4 with anyone. I haven't touched another person in years apart from brief hugs from my children.

I have children but they're adults now, or nearly. I have friends, but I still hate coming home alone. I'm not someone who enjoys holidays alone. To me the pleasure of a holiday is having someone to share it with. I get quite depressed and anxious if I spend too much time alone. I did consider a cruise, but single fares are far too expensive.

I'm not in a house I particularly like, but I can't afford to move, as I still need to house my children and I can't afford a suitable house in another area.

But the particular low point was collapsing on the floor at work when I was ill and them asking who to call for me and I had to say "noone".

I hate being single, it really doesn't suit me. I sympathise.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel the way you do OP. Even if just financially life now is typically easier if you have a 2 income household.

My friends & I were discussing this just the other day as one of my friends was promoted last year now earning £40k a year which she was absolutely thrilled with until she ended up single again at the end of last year. Now she is living alone she was telling us her £40k salary basically disappears into mortgage/bills/car/food shopping and she is constantly worried about losing the job because it is all on her. Having 2 incomes, even if they aren’t huge ones, is usually both financially easier and also less stressful as at least it one person were to lose it/be made redundant/become unwell there is a second income to keep the basics ticking over.

I did not say that, as you would see if you bother to read my post properly. If they stay single, all well and good, but it is NOT by their choice, life in general is easier with support close by, and the closest support is with a good partner.

Why does it matter? I am not looking to marry them. I am just saying that it is an option that's freely available to those who want it.

Not me. Yes I have had bad relationships but also ones with decent people. I just find being coupled and single have pluses and minuses.

However being single a long time I think I would struggle to be in a relationship even if I wanted one.

It was harder being married to a cheating husband than it is being a single parent, and it’s hard being a single parent. I think the crux here is that a loving, faithful, caring partner makes for good coupledom - the opposite, being single infinitely better. Hope you’re okay ,OP. It does get lonely but then so does waiting for you husband to come home from another affair and blame it on you.

I’m just a step behind you. Same age, divorced after 20 year relationship, now in an unfulfilling relationship (8 years) with someone I strongly suspect has cheated right from the start and primarily used me for money. He shares the load to a small extent, sex stopped about 5 years ago and although we do have cuddles on the sofa, that’s it in terms of affection, unless I’m pleasing him. I spend way too much time trying to decide whether this meagre pittance is better than nothing at all and wish I could move forward.

I think that’s an oversimplification. Its possible to be in a “good” relationship which also makes you lose the will to live.

Sometimes its less about the person and more about what “being in a relationship” does to the people in the relationship. I think something about being formally committed to another person sucks all the joy out of it.

The only advantage I can see in being in a relationship is the finances. I’ve been single for 14 years and apart from a flurry of online dates at the beginning of that time, I haven’t had a sniff of a date or a man in my life. I’m actually so used to it that it really doesn’t bother me any more. I see friends around me in relationships and none of them are selling it to me!

I do have a child (from a fling) who lives with me and I think that makes a big difference. Maybe when I’m truly on my own I’ll think differently. But I can’t see me ever living with anyone again. I’m not a tactile person so don’t want anyone to cuddle up to me on the sofa, or hold my hand. I’d like to have sex again before I die but does it really matter if I don’t? Nope. I have great friends and family around me. I enjoy my own company.

I am surprised that I’ve ended up on my own. I always thought that a relationship would just happen. It seems to have done for everyone else! I do feel a bit of an alien when people talk about mother-in-laws, their proposals, weddings, date nights and family outings. But I have my own house, a good job and hopefully a long and happy retirement just around the corner (I’m almost 60).

I also don’t believe in ‘soulmates’. We change so much during our lifetime how can we expect someone to change in the same way and at the same time that we do? Friends come in and out of our lives and no one bats an eyelid, but if a couple find themselves growing apart they’re expected to fight tooth and nail to stay together. Why?

So, yes. Finances are the only thing I can think of that would really benefit me. You’re 38! You do still have plenty of time to meet someone if you want to. I didn’t have my child until I was in my 40s, so to me you could have it all if you want it! But in the meantime, pay as much as you can into a pension so you can retire when you’re married friends do.

I love being single. I could 'get a man' but I don't want one. I've had 3 main relationships with wonderful men, but they didn't work out, the truth came out eventually - the last one I broke up with was because he didn't remember that my son was having a baby, seen him the night before, he just forgot. He was a great man, until he wasnt.

Being single is awful. I have been single 10 years, not through choice and it’s definitely worse than being in a loving relationship, I can’t meet anyone as my circumstances don’t allow but it’s definitely not a choice of mine to be single.

Not my experience. I was in a relationship/ married for 22 years. We split amicably. He’s a good man and very good co-parent. I’ve never had a ‘bad’ relationship.

I adore being single.

Yes! I am the same. Other people and the mundane day to day are so tedious after a while. I prefer to socialise and then be alone.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet here & I hope that's not how it comes across. It's more a case of sticking up for good men who actually do exist. There are so many men who get a bad press & rightly so if they are cheating, nasty, gutless wimps in relationships.

My DH was my first serious boyfriend. We haven't had everything easy in life often far from it. We've also in many ways been blessed. Throughout everything good & bad we have been each others best friend, lover & rock to lean on.

The reason I'm posting this is to encourage women who do wish to find a soulmate who treats them well never to give up.

I think probably the people who appreciate single ness most are those who have left bad relationships.

I imagine it is a bit harder if you don't know what the alternative can be like and how lonely and soul destroying it can be to be with the wrong person.

I'm on my second marriage and he is so much "more me" than my first husband. It's also economically efficient as all bills are split eg I probably wouldn't drive the car I do if I were single. I like my time out on my own but love just being with him at home.

It depends a lot on your personality and how you are wired. Being in a relationship doesn’t feel natural to me. It feels like constantly being dragged into something which holds you back.

I love the initial oxytocin rush of falling in love (who doesn’t?) but I find relationships “in captivity” draining and deadening. So much of the day to day of cohabitation is about boredom and low level irritation which eventually goes from background white noise to a loud scream which cannot be ignored.

I think some people thrive on the codependence of it and love having another person to have that drip drip of every day contact. It’s familiar and reassuring. Increasingly (and particularly in perimenopause) this exchange of humdrum day to day discussion about logistics and unimportant shit makes me tired. Its just so dull.

I love my OH to bits. He’s a kind and gentle soul who does everything for us. He’s by far the best of the three men I have cohabitated with and we rub along well. But even with him I sometimes want to scratch my skin off at the sheer tedium of it all.

I also think a huge thing is how financially stable you are and physically well you are. If those 2 things are in a good place it's much easier to embrace single life and create a really lovely life for yourself, without those things I think it much much harder to cope with everything alone.