To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

You are allowed as an individual to prefer being in a relationship.

Equally other people are perfectly happy and/or prefer being single.

I am middle aged and much, much happier on my own. Definitely a choice for me and I would never consider living with or sharing finances with a man (too many bad experiences) and I like my freedom and peace too much.

I only have to read some of the posts on here most days to say that I don't think marriage/long term relationships are all they're cracked up to be either.

I've been both and I am much better off in all ways by being single.

Not all partners are a pain in the arse. But I've decided not to bother looking for one of those. Too many arse pains out there. I'm very happy not being in a relationship

Completely agree.

The fact that marriage mixes financial and emotional objectives means confusion about how “happy” people are. It’s very hard to decouple the two.

In many cases women are better off in marriages financially than they are single. In my view from an emotional standpoint women are often sold out in marriages: marriages benefit men more than women in terms of the way domestic labour is allocated etc.

I personally am far happier unmarried than I was married. I hated being married. I felt stifled, controlled and bored. Yes I was in a bad marriage but the whole institution felt like a weight which I couldn’t shift.

It may be different for others. But I am significantly happier single.

If you are with the right partner, it’s great to be part of a loving and supportive relationship.

If it’s not the right partner, then that’s a whole new ball game.

There are many, many happy couples, but people only tend to post about relationships that are going wrong, which gives an unbalanced view on forums like this.

Not always choice. Many of us just making the best of the hand we were dealt.

I'm staying single thank you very much.
I prefer living in my small flat alone than sharing a mansion with a partner.

I'm sitting here at 6am on a Sunday morning - a time most would say should be peaceful.
Instead I've got my dh speaking at me - and I do mean at bombarding me with trivial bullshit before I've opened my eyes and had a single sip of coffee.

I've had enough. Out soon.

I've been married and also widowed

And dated a bit. I just don't think for me that men want the same thing that women do in a relationship

By their nature, I don't think they can just not center themselves. I think they are looking for someone to provide services for them, to cook clean and entertain them while still mostly keeping the same life they had

So it's not that they are all bad it's just I don't think they see having a marriage or relationship the same way women do

I couldn't imagine living with another man

I think its very human to not be ok with your situation sometimes. Life is bloody hard whether single or in a relationship, there are highs and lows to both. Sometimes it feels like a slog just getting through each day.

There is no magic answer but I have found keeping a gratitude journal helps. Each day capture 3 things you are grateful for and 1 thing you are proud of that day. On difficult days its helpful to look back and remind yourself how much you have achieved. Its not a perfect answer but it helps.

Invest in connections - good friends, family, volunteering, religion, hobbies & interests...whatever works for you. When all is said and done, its ok not to be ok sometimes so let yourself feel how you feel but try not to stay in those moments too long. Its easier said than done sometimes.

Are there any decent men out there who can offer a semblance of a decent relationship?

I’d say a very happy relationship beats being single (for me), but being single beats a mediocre relationship, and I’m getting to the disillusioned point where I feel that mediocre is what you get with most men, sooner or later.

Sad but very true. I might get it made into a banner!

Might be a ‘grass always greener’ thing…I’m in a less than perfect marriage at the moment and being single sounds tempting, I even said to a friend the other day that if I get divorced, I’d never live with a man again. But I can also remember the times when I was single and I really wanted a relationship. I’d say a very happy relationship beats being single (for me), but being single beats a mediocre relationship, and I’m getting to the disillusioned point where I feel that mediocre is what you get with most men, sooner or later.

Council tax?!? You get a 25% discount. I.e you are paying 25% more than if you were paying half of the full bill which you would be if you were part of a couple. You are paying all the mortgage, rent, insurance, broadband. You don't spend half of what a couple spends on power because loads of a bill is standing charges I.e a fixed charge - so you are paying a lot more than half. You don't heat your house half as much just because there's one person in it not two. You spend less money on food but your household income is half as much! You might not be as confident with DIY so you have to buy in someone's services, and believe me the result is often not much better than it would be if a gung ho husband had had a go.

I as a single woman am far less well off than my coupled up friends. You also pay comparatively more for holidays unless you can find some other single friends to go with.

You personally might be better off socially and emotionally if you were single. And I agree, your husband sounds absolutely lame and my advice to you is go and be single.

But don't kid yourself that it's anything other than much harder financially.

I disageee op, I think your idea of a relationship might be a bit unrealistic. Having a partner dosent mean you have all your emotional and financial needs meet. Infact, I think financally you are at a disadvantage if you have a partner. When you are single you have a discount on council tax for example, you spend less money on food, heating, electric etc. It dosen mean you have someone to help you with diy or have someone to spend Friday night with. What you need are a few good friends, who can provide you emotional support. I have been married 26 years, and I think that being single is the answer. I still take on the brunt of the bills, im still stuck at home because my husband is very anti social and likes to be in bed by 9pm evan in holiday. I have to clean up after him, cook for him and what do I get back in return ?. Better off single

Well unfortunately it did dent my confidence. It took 6 months of therapy to rebuild that to a place where I could thrive again.

Now I'm doing better but I still miss him a lot and miss our partnership as a couple. I do get lonely. But I am lucky in other ways. Thanks for your kind words!

I was just about to say this. When you’re single you can envy ppl in a couple, when you’re in an unhappy couple you can envy happier couples or ppl who are single.

You can never know who are really happy and everyone will experience shit times whatever their circumstances. If you’re not in a completely happy, equal, loving relationship, Friday night in can be a nightmare. At least if you’re single you have 100% control and say in what you do.

You also have hope - that you may meet someone tmoro who will be your perfect match and will adore you. If you’re stuck in a situation with someone you don’t particularly like and kids are involved then it’s a hell of a mess to get out of, for everybody involved.

It sounds condescending but value your freedom, OP.

Maybe we have to wait for the widowers.

I was married for 16 years from 27 to 43. It was very sad when it ended but it's nothing compared to the anguish I'm feeling now. The 5½ relationship with a man I thought was my future turned out to be no such thing. He was lying, he was cheating and he was completely manipulating me and now I find myself single again at nearly 51, not wanting to be but knowing full well that my trust in men is ruined. It's a very different place to being single again at 43 still with a bit of hope. Perimenopause and crushing anxiety hadn't happened at 43. All the nice ones are indeed taken now.

Give over. You're 38 so not dead yet!

I'm 47 and married to my dh who I've known since I was young. Being married is also not all that all the time. Yes I'm happy . I'm fortunate that I don't need a man to be financially stable. Focus on that.

I reckon it's nice to have someone to share the day to day with. It must get lonely in the daily grind. However a lot of my fun stuff is done with friends or dragging DH along unwillingly. I have friends with really miserable husbands who stop them doing what they want and who expect the lions share of help with dc and domestic work. With the added disadvantage of having to care for another adult. Take heart.

Ah sorry-he sounds like a commitment-phobe. I'll bet he's regretting his decision now! I can see doing something like that if I ever got in a long-term relationship and it would 100% be my issues to blame not the other persons. I hope you haven't let him dent your confidence! But agree it's a big step getting into a new relationship. I wish I could do it with ease like everyone else seems to but I know I'd still be getting over it many months later if it ended so would be extremely cautious. I just don't see the potential emotional upheaval as worth it.

Goodness!

I couldn't give a flying fox about sex. I only want it if I'm in a relationship with someone I love and fancy and it's mutual. So yes it's a pain having to take full responsibility for absolutely everything but nobody else in the bed, no snoring, no duvet hogging, no critical comments, no badgering, no moaning about my driving, no broken promises and nobody being pissed and moaning about what's on TV is worth it absolutely.

Well I’ve been married the best part of ten years and my DH doesn’t want to spend Friday nights with me as he ‘can’t relax’ until I’ve gone to bed. So pros and cons 🤷‍♀️

Thank you. I'm not sure there are many good men when you hit me age... the good ones are all looking after their wives and the others are just bitter about their exes and don't want to talk about anything else!!
Maybe one day it'll get easier!

This.