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Original poster

Uncompromising holiday disagreement

797 replies

MalePoster · 06/02/2026 19:15

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
givemesteel · 07/02/2026 08:15

You should have told her about the friend being there at the same time time. Unless it's a very close friend I'd not want to meet up with someone on holiday.

I would have a problem with you playing golf but I wouldn't want to have this social arrangement sprung on me with no prior notice.

She's had 3 kids in 6 years, and has a 9 month old, maybe she's feeling self conscious in a swimsuit? When I'm on hols I don't care if a load of strangers see my wobbly tummy but would be mortified if I had to spend the afternoon with a casual aquaintance.

BollyMolly · 07/02/2026 08:11

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/02/2026 01:21

Selfish? She's raising 3 children and wants to spend family time together. How is that selfish? Selfish would be her wanting to spend half of the holiday all by herself without her DH & children.

Show quote history

Selfish because she thinks what she wants out of the holiday is the only thing that’s important. She is framing her husband as someone who doesn’t provide for or prioritise his family when he obviously does, just because he doesn’t fall into line with exactly what she wants. Thats is selfish, and controlling.

DisneyBaby · 07/02/2026 08:10

MikeRafone · 07/02/2026 07:17

Why do you want gratitude for working as a team? This part of I earn the money and my spouse doesn't behave in a grateful way. This type of attitude stinks. It would cost you in the region of £50k a year to have a nanny for 3 small children and that wouldn't be 24/7

If you want to do hobbies then fine, but it's a working from home for your spouse. They have come away for a holiday and obviously they need to team up and look after the children

but with you going to do a hobby for a few hours it means they have to start working solo with the 3 children, instead of pairing up.

If your boss said to you yes you can have a holiday but for 5 hours you need to do a bit of on call work, so not fully working but a bit of work - would you think oh thats a bit a drag. But the boss says well when the next day you don't have to work at all and can have some free time - so it's equaled out. Do you think you'd be a bit disgruntled. You'd rather just have an entire 10 days holiday?

its not wrong to want to go and play golf, but its also not wrong for you spouse to want a day family holiday. What you need to do is find a way to negotiate around it. I'd not want a few hours in a spa, it's not my thing and nor is shopping. When I was knee deep in maternity leave I didn't have hobbies ( I do now the children are much older and have my own life)

Exactly this!

’Would you want to go on holiday and work for a bit in between or have the full 10 days as holiday’, that’s what I feels like to me!

I love looking after our children but it can be hard work sometimes. Looking after them together takes the stress out of it and just leaves the fun and quality time.
Him playing golf and leaving me for several hours (it will end up being a minimum of 6 I would say with food and drinks after no doubt and travel time to get there and back), leaves me with the children just the same as at home and it will be harder than at home because we will be around a pool etc and I will have to be extra vigilant. I also don’t want to be confined to the hotel room the whole time.

Rockdaylia44 · 07/02/2026 08:04

Wife is being unreasonable it's one afternoon and he has discussed this with you not just told you he's doing it.
Everyone sometimes needs a bit of time to themselves

Jan24680 · 07/02/2026 08:00

"The divorce came out of nowhere" she'll be enjoying some free weekends soon I would imagine.

Rockdaylia44 · 07/02/2026 07:59

FreshInks · 06/02/2026 19:21

You appear to believe that being the ‘breadwinner’ (such an outdated term btw) gives you some sort of special status, when providing financially for your family is simply the baseline expectation. Wanting to play golf on its own isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s combined with your sense of entitlement, it very much becomes so.

Rude

Bababear987 · 07/02/2026 07:57

Dont know why everyone is piling on. I'm in a similar situation (although obvs not as well off) but my husband loves golf and works hard for our family so it wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I think its really unfair of her to say no to you doing a hobby for 1 day. My husband golfed during our honeymoon in California so I visited the aquarium and walked around and had a great time, he golfed in NY and I saw a Broadway show and went to a museum. This was pre-kids but I'd still let him go and do the same now and I've 2 under 2. I'd just plan something fun for us?
Could it be she doesnt feel safe in dubai with the kids without you?
Maybe she cant be bothered with the other wife?

VistaPuraVida · 07/02/2026 07:54

Mummybud · 07/02/2026 07:47

Book a 6am tee time, be back late morning. Wife orders room service and has a lazy morning with the kids. Gets them ready for the pool/day and then they all head out together. In the afternoon if she wants to she goes for a massage/facial or otherwise has some time to herself.

I’ve read the wife’s view and going to the friends hotel with all the kids and then getting ready for dinner sounds awful, I agree with her there.

I agree with this. In your original plan golf impacted the whole day. This is much better.

123123again · 07/02/2026 07:53

beAsensible1 · 07/02/2026 07:30

This.

it’s quite clear it was to create context about holiday decision making and how he usually goes along with it. No need for everyone to get their hackles up.

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Sadly his version isn’t quite the truth though.
He has spoilt previous holidays by making it all about golf. And this one he sneakily booked knowing his golfing buddy was going.
His wife doesn’t get to chose her holidays at all.

beAsensible1 · 07/02/2026 07:52

Do Dubai hotels not have kids clubs?

hholiday · 07/02/2026 07:51

I'm not keen on language like 'I've booked a holiday for us all' and 'I plan to do x' and I think that's maybe what's annoying your wife. For context, I book (and largely pay for) the holidays in our household, as I am the main breadwinner, but I would never phrase it that way to my husband and kids... it's special time for us all to spend together, as we don't get that day-to-day and the fact I'm able to treat us to that is amazing - I know my husband would do the same, if he earned what I do. I don't think anybody would mind their partner doing their own thing one day, particularly if that were reciprocated... but if it's all being presented to her as some kind of fait accompli... 'I am treating us all to this, but I am doing x and you can do y', I can see how that might feel controlling, as though in paying for the break, you are putting yourself in charge of everyone's time.

123123again · 07/02/2026 07:49

@DisneyBaby Good to hear your side.

I knew it would be leaving you to manage the kids ( busman’s holiday).
He seems to have forgotten Cornwall. And been a bit sneaky booking Dubai with his friend.
The fact he’s written on MN shows he hadn’t listened to you. He also doesn’t “get it”, he still thinks an afternoon’s golf with you babysitting is ok. That’s the man you married, he’s not going to change.
Get a kids club for the older 2 and meet your friend for the afternoon as hers are young. The golfers can do bedtime after dinner.

Mummybud · 07/02/2026 07:47

Book a 6am tee time, be back late morning. Wife orders room service and has a lazy morning with the kids. Gets them ready for the pool/day and then they all head out together. In the afternoon if she wants to she goes for a massage/facial or otherwise has some time to herself.

I’ve read the wife’s view and going to the friends hotel with all the kids and then getting ready for dinner sounds awful, I agree with her there.

Nursemumma92 · 07/02/2026 07:41

I personally think your wife is being unreasonable and 1 morning or afternoon playing golf on a 12 day holiday is fine. I do think you need to view yourselves as more of a team in terms of finances etc and make sure she feels that she is valued in terms of her contribution to the household- this probably has something to do with her reaction to your plans.

But she is being way OTT to stop you having a half day to yourself in a 12 day holiday. Maybe this is a reflection of how she feels in day to day life though and how much time she has to herself. Can you address this and encourage her to have more regular time to herself where she can switch off?

SchoolDilemma17 · 07/02/2026 07:40

She has already replied here!

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/02/2026 07:39

Does she suspect that:

1.You suggested Dubai with golf in the back of your mind.
2.You knew a holiday in Dubai would overlap with a golfing buddy being there.

Because if the above two things did partially influence you suggesting Dubai, I can see why she's pissed off. She wanted a family holiday and you saw the opportunity to play golf. I honestly do still think she's being unreasonable on the whole, but if she thinks you have set this up on purpose it might be why she's reacted this way.

MammaBear1 · 07/02/2026 07:37

You do spend quite a large proportion of the post telling us all about you being “the breadwinner “ which doesn’t seem relevant to the issue about the golf afternoon.

Being the larger earner doesn’t entitle you to making more of the decisions for the family and how you spend your time.

I personally wouldn’t have an issue if my OH wanted and afternoon with the friend to play golf as long as I had the equivalent child free time to do as I please. But having said that, you do come across as being a little high handed about the situation and are linking it to your earnings being higher.

That to me makes me think there are deeper issues in the relationship than an afternoon golfing and that your wife may be feeling irritated by your overall attitude.

Heylittlesongbird · 07/02/2026 07:33

DisneyBaby · 07/02/2026 07:12

I love being a stay at home mum but that doesn’t mean it’s not a bit exhausting at times.
But I’m not just a sahm, I am self employed and actually earnt £20k last year and the year before which isn’t bad for a part time salary!
As my husband said, he pays for all the bills and household stuff and I try and save for holidays and often pay for kids clubs, kids clothes and a lot of the extras.
I am currently not working though due to have a baby 8 months ago, this being our last child, I am in no rush to go back quickly but plan to return to work later in the year.

Show quote history

In his posts he comes across as quite patronising towards you. For example your lack of gratitude at him being the ‘breadwinner’, his offering you a spa morning, his decision that you will have a day with the other wife and all the children.

is he really like this or is his phrasing in his post just bad?

Because the way he’s presented himself here, I’d be quite pleased he was taking himself off for the day and giving me a break from him.

Raindancer411 · 07/02/2026 07:33

I think that what she is after is you spending a whole 12 days together than having you disappear each weekends to golf for once. She is obviously annoyed that you do this each weekend and she is left with three children. I can imagine a 3 year old and a 9 month old is a real handful.

I think whe is thinking couldn’t you just give it a miss and put them first than the hobby whilst you are away.

AddictedToTea · 07/02/2026 07:31

SargeMarge · 06/02/2026 19:26

I think his point was that he earns the majority of the money and she does the majority of childcare and her money is for fun so they have quite a fair split… expect she makes all the decisions about how their money is spent, including holidays. And on this occasion, he wants to make a decision and she is saying no as if she is in charge. Instead of actually considering it.

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This is how I see it too.

I’d just book golf and ask her to let me know which day/afternoon she wanted some child-free time.

Holidays are supposed to be a break for everyone.

beAsensible1 · 07/02/2026 07:30

SargeMarge · 06/02/2026 19:26

I think his point was that he earns the majority of the money and she does the majority of childcare and her money is for fun so they have quite a fair split… expect she makes all the decisions about how their money is spent, including holidays. And on this occasion, he wants to make a decision and she is saying no as if she is in charge. Instead of actually considering it.

Show quote history

This.

it’s quite clear it was to create context about holiday decision making and how he usually goes along with it. No need for everyone to get their hackles up.

MikeRafone · 07/02/2026 07:29

Do you therefore see my predicament given that my wife and children are not in the position to share my hobby. I could wait years for them to “catch up” and share Dads love for golf…

When you have children your hobbies get put on a back burner, you fit the hobby around the family if and when you can - not the family around the hobby. Your wife and children may never "catch up" with golf but have their own interests

Your predicament is you need to wait, you choose to have 3 children so parenting comes first

DoIdriveaVauxhallZafira · 07/02/2026 07:25

SchoolDilemma17 · 07/02/2026 06:58

Why did you have a third? Your DH wants to spend his holidays playing golf and you don’t like being a SAHM. Why bring another child into this?

are your daughters allowed to play golf, or is that just for boys?

Edited
Show quote history

This is not the own you think it is

MikeRafone · 07/02/2026 07:17

Why do you want gratitude for working as a team? This part of I earn the money and my spouse doesn't behave in a grateful way. This type of attitude stinks. It would cost you in the region of £50k a year to have a nanny for 3 small children and that wouldn't be 24/7

If you want to do hobbies then fine, but it's a working from home for your spouse. They have come away for a holiday and obviously they need to team up and look after the children

but with you going to do a hobby for a few hours it means they have to start working solo with the 3 children, instead of pairing up.

If your boss said to you yes you can have a holiday but for 5 hours you need to do a bit of on call work, so not fully working but a bit of work - would you think oh thats a bit a drag. But the boss says well when the next day you don't have to work at all and can have some free time - so it's equaled out. Do you think you'd be a bit disgruntled. You'd rather just have an entire 10 days holiday?

its not wrong to want to go and play golf, but its also not wrong for you spouse to want a day family holiday. What you need to do is find a way to negotiate around it. I'd not want a few hours in a spa, it's not my thing and nor is shopping. When I was knee deep in maternity leave I didn't have hobbies ( I do now the children are much older and have my own life)

VistaPuraVida · 07/02/2026 07:17

DisneyBaby · 07/02/2026 06:48

I am the original posters wife.

Here is my take on this and I feel there are a few key elements missing.

Firstly, this is not the first time that golf has effected a holiday. Our last proper holiday was to Cornwall last August, a holiday we take every year on our own and spend quality time together, and my DH, the OP, wanted to invite his golfer friends and their wives and kids. They played 3 times in a week and it felt like the whole week was planned around their golf arrangements. It completely ruined our normal family holiday, and I don’t think the other wives enjoyed the trip either tbh as we all generally feel second best to the golf. So I am done with golf on holiday.

Our friends are not saying at the same resort so DH is suggesting we go to their hotel and I spend the day there with the 3 children (don’t even know if this would be allowed) and then get ready for dinner there ready to have dinner altogether when they get back. Therefore meaning I need to pack a bag and get ready somewhere that’s not our own hotel room with our things, again with 3 young kids. Which just seems like hard work. I’m happy to meet with them and do something fun altogether or dinner, just not keen on having 5 young kids with us two women, hers are 4 and 1 so between us, we would have 6, 4, 3, 1 and 0 aged kids.

If I chose to stay at our hotel instead of meeting with my friend, I will have to look after 3 young kids by the pool by myself which I don’t feel is safe. I will spend the whole day saying ‘stay close, not too far’ etc to my kids who will just want to play with no restrictions. If one of them needs to toilet, we will all have to go coz I can’t leave any on their own etc. And I don’t even know how I would navigate a buffet restaurant for breakfast, lunch or dinner with a baby in one arm and 4 plates in the other for us all.

As a few people have mentioned. I often feel burnt out and overwhelmed with all the housework and taxying the kids round at home and I look forward to family holidays as a way to enjoy the kids and our family without having all the added stress of housework and rushing around. I’m honestly not bothered about time for me because my favourite thing to do is genuinely spend time with my children and together as a family but there is a big difference between spending time with the kids on my own vs spending time with them with my husband there.

I’m not saying no to golf forever. I’m just saying not right now. When our son is older, they can go off and play together and I’ll stay with our daughters. Or when our kids are grown, we can do numerous couples and friends holidays and I’ll happily have some me time on a lounger then and do a puzzle book. But right now we’re in our young family phase in life, I need my husband to be present, and I want to soak up every single moment of family time on holiday together.

To all those who think I was being unreasonable. Do you think this the same after I have explained my views?

I was just about to post again to notice that the OP hadn't answered my question when I asked him how you felt about the level of golf he plays generally.

I suspected something like this was the case.

I'm with you. It also is a pet peeve of mine when one partner in the couple (usually the man) seems to consistently make family things into group things.

I also wonder if there's some looseness with times. Genuinely if golf took "a morning/an afternoon", to me that's about 3 hours. Anything over that is basically making the day about that activity, especially when you have kids who go to bed early.

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