Uncompromising holiday disagreement

I don’t see half a day out of 12 as an unreasonable request. The offer is on the table for both adults.

As a mum I naturally enjoy spending time with my DD and choose not to be apart, however that doesn’t mean I can enforce the other parent to do the same if that’s not what they want.

I think she’s being unreasonable

I think you’re going to have to be a bit firmer on this and say that it’s a heck of an opportunity to play a world famous course and she can either come to the clubhouse and hang around there while you play, or she can arrange something to do with her friend, or just the kids.

Wow some of these comments are so bitter and twisted, and reveal more about the poster than have anything to do with the op and his situation.

op, I find it unreasonable if either spouse doesn’t let the other do something like this, so for example if she wanted to do something for a few hours and you said no, that would also be unreasonable for me. And I see no issue with you clarifying the financial context.

just take the comments as a reflection on issues the poster has in their own lives, some projection, and ignore.

@DisneyBaby If you are indeed OP's wife...
I think you have very different priorities. But quite frankly, I dont agree with you still. You kind of expect both parents to just sit there and look at the kids because this is what YOU like to do, and impose that on your husband. I personally hate when people expect you to 'be present', it's such a bs phrase that Instagram Mums like to throw around because they want to show what amazing parents they are being always there and superior to parents who take time to do their hobbies. Not everyone wants to forsake their hobbies and lives because they are mums and dads. It's not necessary.
If your husband played golf every weekend and evening and never saw you, then you are right. But going on holiday and playing a few times will do no harm.
You are not bothered for any you time, but this is not the case for many other people. The fact you want to spend every breathing moment for the next few years looking at your children and with husband by your side sounds very exhausting. You need to take a break, you are exhausted because you make yourself like this. If you stop being a martyr, take time for you, you will be less tired.

Bloody hell, your wife needs to get a grip! This sounds very needy and claustrophobic. The only possible thing I can think of is she doesn’t like the other wife!! I often go on trips on holiday to see things my family don’t want to see, or they go off and do an activity that I don’t want to. The same in everyday life. We do stuff, go on breaks away independently.

if you don’t the alternative one you don’t get to do anything that you would like to do:drag a long someone who doesn’t want to be there. What a shit way to live your life! Your wife is controlling, stopping you doing something you get fulfilment from. I get the feeling she needs a hobby of her own! If she can’t support you doing something happy for a few hours out of 12 days she has serious issues I’m afraid.

@MalePoster fo you ever actually listen to your wife @DisneyBaby abd compromise or change plans or actually see it from her perspective

because you have had advice it, different perspectives and you have remained singular in your views and that is unhelpful

did you discuss this option? Was it chosen as a destination the family wanted or golf

did you know that your friend was there? And if so why the different hotel

It was unfortunate that you complained about your wife being ungrateful to you for being the breadwinner - that immediately made me feel less inclined to sympathise with your situation.
I assume your wife is fed up with the amount of time you spend at the gold course. I recall a friend of mine, whose dh wasn't too fond of parenting asking if my dh wanted to take up golfing with her dh on Saturdays - I just thought no fucking way! I had 6 month old twins and I was barely keeping my head above water - the weekends were my time to try and enjoy parenting and enjoy my babies - so I can see why your wife is a bit desperate to do the same, to feel like she isn't doing it alone and hopefully enjoy parenting.
I think she probably resents it every single time you play golf atm because looking after 3 small kids is hard and at the weekends when you are around she probably expects it to be a bit easier and then you want to pay golf on holidays and leave her with the kids again - when she was looking forward to having two solid weeks of doing it together.
I don't think you are being unreasonable to have one afternoon off, but if she is feeling like she is drowning you might want to think about how you can support her better through out the year - and I don't mean financially - which unfortunately is the thing you spoke about at length.

This whole thread has started to make my blood boil. I bet All the people posting on here against you op don't have a hobby, apart from - like your wife - "spending time as a family". I have always had sports and hobbies that I love and would be absolutely Fuming if my OH told me I couldn't spend at Least one day (pref a couple of half days tbh) doing what I love on my holiday, regardless of who pays for it! Your DW is being super inflexible and uncompromising.

I'm pretty sure I did read further up thread that you said your wife chooses to not have a hobby and actively prefers to prioritise time with the kids so if I were feeling combative I'd be tempted to ask her why she thinks it's fair she spends every day of the holiday indulging her chosen past time - IE family days out - but she refuses to let you even have one day?

It's not healthy for individuals within a family to not have their own thing going on separate from the children and each other (unless of course it's through both their choices but even still...!)

The OP wife has said he would likely be away for 6 hours. He has said he would like his wife to have a similar break. Just because she refuses the offer I really don’t think he should feel guilty about doing something he enjoys away from the family for such a short time.

Parents martyrs like to forget they were once non parents.
Being a parent does not mean giving up hobbies. I go out twice a month My partner does something out the other two weekends when I look after the kids.
OP is offering a similar solution but wife goes NO because she can.

@Lifealwaysgetsbetter
I'm not sure I agree with you
It’s not difficult to look after your kids. This man is a high earner so will have a demanding job but folk are dismissing the stress of that
I have worn both hats. The full on job role is indeed stressful. Looking after small children is also very demanding and exhausting. The difference in my opinion is that the children/domestic role is relentless. Might just have been my kids (tbf they have always been described as 'lively personalities') but it was unrelenting with no breaks. My hugely demanding job is often back to back. But I do get to nip to the toilet without someone calling for me or jiggling the door handle. Some days in my working week I manage a half hour lunch break and even when working long hours there is always an end to the working day. I don't have to put my laptop back to bed 6 or 7 times before we both crash out with exhaustion and unless I'm on call my work generally doesn't wake me up in the night demanding something. For me full time at home was way more exhausting. As I say maybe different kids different experience, my lot were always on the go, sleep was not much needed and active engagement or activities was essential for most waking hours. They never played trains/blocks, never did puzzles or crafting..... friends called them the Duracell bunnies....Trust me work was a lot less exhausting....

Because he is offering her time off too when she can go and enjoy and he is on his own with kids?

She's being controlling and unreasonable tbh. An afternoon of golf on a 12 day holiday should not be a problem 🤷‍♀️ why don't you suggest you book a golfing holiday to Dubai instead.

I agree with you, you are not planning on disappearing on every single day and giving her time to do her own stuff.
You are a man and on MN this for many women puts you straight away in the YABU bastard category regardless of what you say or do.
You have an amazing opportunity to do a hobby somewhere great, do it.

Just read the OP’s wife’s post. I think when you choose to have 3 children hobbies like golf probably have to go out of the window until the children are older. Admittedly my husband was a single parent but even with one child he realised he couldn’t do it and gave it up until his son was in his teens.

I presume she is saying no as she is in her own with 3 children quite often. Plus it sounds quite hard work. I would see a family holiday as that. Golf can be a long day out. I’m not sure of the financial link. You both work and should be a team. You are kind of telling her what to do. I’ll go golf, you go to the spa. It sounds like she doesn’t want to do that while on holiday.

Truely, why would the wife be selfish?

Selfish would be if there was no impact on her holiday and it was just her preference.

In reality she’s going to have a more difficult and stressful afternoon than if she was at home. Her holiday is compromised whilst his made better. How does that make her selfish?

You're not being unreadable at all, on the face of it.

You guys need to talk. Hear her reasons. Explain yours.

The finances don't matter to your story

But they matter to you because you chose to tell us about them in your story

Which says a whole lot about you as a husband and father

The fact that your wife wants to spend the WHOLE holiday as a family with no individual adult time could mean:

*She doesn't feel she gets enough time with you/as a family, day to day , as you are working long hours

*Shes sick of looking after the children on her own every day and wants a whole holiday where you are an actual father every day

*She doesn't particularly like the wife of your golf buddy and certainly doesn't want to have even more children to look after

🥺

It's a half day golfing. Not much to ask. The fact that the golfing IS too much for your wife tells me that there is a whole lot of bad shit within your marriage that you appear to have zero idea about

Oh
Dear
Me

🙄

Just go and play golf. I would not be asking my husband, yes we can have a discussion but if I want to do something then I do it! Maybe I’m selfish. I don’t understand why she’s being like that tbh… (plus I’d love a spa morning to make up for it!)

Personally this would be fine with me. When we go on hols next week the plan is for DH to do a casino one evening and for me to have a spa day another day. I think that this issue is not going to be resolved easily because it seems like you have deeper issues in your marriage. Little things like this will keep being a thing until you resolve the deeper stuff.

I’ve just read the wife’s post. I’ve changed my mind, I can see why she said no.

@MalePoster

Unfortunately you have managed to include two triggers in the MN bad dad bingo! Golf and breadwinner lol

my advice would be to buy Have copy of Eve Rodsky book Fair Play and a read. It may save you all this hassle for the price of a few golf balls .

With so many people not being able to afford a holiday I really hope that you have a great time and it would be a crying shame if the disagreement messed yours up x

I’m a single parent and I took my 4 and 1 year old away on a ferry crossing. It was stressful. I couldn’t imagine enjoying caring for 3 young children, one being 6 months alone in a foreign country.

What time of the year are you going? I’ve lived in Dubai. It’s very hot up until September and in the summer months, you can’t really stay outdoors with young children. I was there with my eldest when he was a newborn in the winter and even then, I normally went out with him late afternoon or evening.

We often went to Dubai as children and my dad used to play golf occasionally there. The difference was me and my brother were older so easier for our mum to care for alone.

If you don’t like being the breadwinner, then request your wife to go back to work full time and you pay for the childcare. 50/50 on all childbearing and housework. No doubt it would eat at your salary and you would soon change your mind.

I grew up in a country where it’s standard for the husband to provide financially and mother is a SAHM. Personally I think it’s much better for the children.

My husband was a single parent. He gave up golf until my step-son was in his teens.

It just takes up too much time.

Maybe the wife doesn’t want a spa day or to do something on her own. She might just want to spend every day of the holiday with her husband and children

For a golfer though there are some great courses in Dubai so I can see why it would be disappointing to go there and not be able to play at least once.