Uncompromising holiday disagreement

Sorry, I think I’ve mistyped or misunderstood something. My understanding is that he’s booked Dubai as a family holiday and that’s what he’s told DW but he’s known that his friend is out there at the same time so he’s planned to hijack the family holiday with golf. He knows that if he told his DW this prior to booking she’d have said can we go to the canaries instead pls?
either in his thread or on hers outside about him chatting with the friend about playing golf in Dubai prior to booking.

The Dubai trip was never planned as a golf trip - it was always a family holiday, that OP wants to spend half a day playing golf.
Last year he wanted to go on a golf holiday for a week with his fellow golfers. Wife said no, so they turned it into a group holiday during which the guys played 3 lots of golf.

I just read her older post that you linked - really quite shocking. And she went on to have two more children after that post.
I wonder if the husband has read that one?
I have to say that post explained a lot about how I felt reading the husband's first post - didn't sound like a marriage full of warmth and love...

As you’ll see from original post she can have time to herself no problem, completely independent of whether I have time to myself etc. Maybe the financial point wasn’t necessary, the finances do not matter and despite what a lot of these comments say I fully appreciate what my wife brings to our family by being a mum to our children.

I’d have no problem with my partner doing this, and he’d have no issue with me doing something similar so I really don’t understand her issue. You’ll get a bunch of horrible comments though so he prepared.

I think I’d be telling her that it’s a holiday for everyone, and that means you should each get to pick something fun for yourselves as well as family things especially as it is so expensive to go there so it wouldn’t be possibly to go for a solo trip. And I’d just ask her to be reasonable and come to a compromise so you both get lots of family time, she gets a spa day and you get a golf day. But I really don’t understand her problem so beyond “just tell her” I don’t have much advice!

The usual mumsnet double standards. Berating OP because the term breadwinner is apparently such an outdated term but not such an outdated term when women on here describe themselves as the main breadwinner all the time. Nobody berates them for using such an outdated term. People only have a problem with a man saying it. 🙄

OP, if the sexes were reversed someone would have replied long before now that they would be telling their husband to piss off and going off to do what they want for a few hours. They’d also be saying they are sure he can cope with the kids for a few hours. I think your wife sounds like a bit of a princess who is used to getting her own way. It does sound to me that she’s being more than a tad unreasonable with this. It’s just a few hours. I’m sure she can survive a few hours with a family friend and the children.

Bit late for this holiday but personally I’d be having a good long think about just how much you really want to invest financially in future family holidays.

Oh look, another pathetic man pretending to be posting as a woman. Do you wear dresses and lipstick too? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

My issue is he’s sold it to DW as a family trip whilst telling us in his post it was a golf trip that became a family trip. He should have been upfront from the start about what he wanted to do. He should have told DW about the friends and the golf not just spring it on her after booking.

Why did you have a third? Your DH wants to spend his holidays playing golf and you don’t like being a SAHM. Why bring another child into this?

are your daughters allowed to play golf, or is that just for boys?

I am the original posters wife.

Here is my take on this and I feel there are a few key elements missing.

Firstly, this is not the first time that golf has effected a holiday. Our last proper holiday was to Cornwall last August, a holiday we take every year on our own and spend quality time together, and my DH, the OP, wanted to invite his golfer friends and their wives and kids. They played 3 times in a week and it felt like the whole week was planned around their golf arrangements. It completely ruined our normal family holiday, and I don’t think the other wives enjoyed the trip either tbh as we all generally feel second best to the golf. So I am done with golf on holiday.

Our friends are not saying at the same resort so DH is suggesting we go to their hotel and I spend the day there with the 3 children (don’t even know if this would be allowed) and then get ready for dinner there ready to have dinner altogether when they get back. Therefore meaning I need to pack a bag and get ready somewhere that’s not our own hotel room with our things, again with 3 young kids. Which just seems like hard work. I’m happy to meet with them and do something fun altogether or dinner, just not keen on having 5 young kids with us two women, hers are 4 and 1 so between us, we would have 6, 4, 3, 1 and 0 aged kids.

If I chose to stay at our hotel instead of meeting with my friend, I will have to look after 3 young kids by the pool by myself which I don’t feel is safe. I will spend the whole day saying ‘stay close, not too far’ etc to my kids who will just want to play with no restrictions. If one of them needs to toilet, we will all have to go coz I can’t leave any on their own etc. And I don’t even know how I would navigate a buffet restaurant for breakfast, lunch or dinner with a baby in one arm and 4 plates in the other for us all.

As a few people have mentioned. I often feel burnt out and overwhelmed with all the housework and taxying the kids round at home and I look forward to family holidays as a way to enjoy the kids and our family without having all the added stress of housework and rushing around. I’m honestly not bothered about time for me because my favourite thing to do is genuinely spend time with my children and together as a family but there is a big difference between spending time with the kids on my own vs spending time with them with my husband there.

I’m not saying no to golf forever. I’m just saying not right now. When our son is older, they can go off and play together and I’ll stay with our daughters. Or when our kids are grown, we can do numerous couples and friends holidays and I’ll happily have some me time on a lounger then and do a puzzle book. But right now we’re in our young family phase in life, I need my husband to be present, and I want to soak up every single moment of family time on holiday together.

To all those who think I was being unreasonable. Do you think this the same after I have explained my views?

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

Why do you want gratitude for working as a team? This part of I earn the money and my spouse doesn't behave in a grateful way. This type of attitude stinks. It would cost you in the region of £50k a year to have a nanny for 3 small children and that wouldn't be 24/7

If you want to do hobbies then fine, but it's a working from home for your spouse. They have come away for a holiday and obviously they need to team up and look after the children

but with you going to do a hobby for a few hours it means they have to start working solo with the 3 children, instead of pairing up.

If your boss said to you yes you can have a holiday but for 5 hours you need to do a bit of on call work, so not fully working but a bit of work - would you think oh thats a bit a drag. But the boss says well when the next day you don't have to work at all and can have some free time - so it's equaled out. Do you think you'd be a bit disgruntled. You'd rather just have an entire 10 days holiday?

its not wrong to want to go and play golf, but its also not wrong for you spouse to want a day family holiday. What you need to do is find a way to negotiate around it. I'd not want a few hours in a spa, it's not my thing and nor is shopping. When I was knee deep in maternity leave I didn't have hobbies ( I do now the children are much older and have my own life)

Yes this is 100% accurate and true, she just wants to spend time with her husband and children. Do you therefore see my predicament given that my wife and children are not in the position to share my hobby. I could wait years for them to “catch up” and share Dads love for golf…