Uncompromising holiday disagreement

In that previous thread by DisneyBaby (in 2021) she said she'd been considering leaving him for several years, but had just definitely decided she would. At that point they had a 15 mth old daughter.
DisneyBaby was asking should she delay leaving him to have another baby, as she didn't want an only child (had always wanted 3 or 4), and didn't want a big age gap. So didn't want to leave him and hope she met another man quickly enough to have another baby with.

So she made her choice - they now have 3 children. But it's hardly surprising that theirs is not a happy marriage. I wonder if he knew/knows how she felt?

You appear to believe that being the ‘breadwinner’ (such an outdated term btw) gives you some sort of special status, when providing financially for your family is simply the baseline expectation. Wanting to play golf on its own isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s combined with your sense of entitlement, it very much becomes so.

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

No he isn’t unreasonable to WANT to do it

he is unreasonable to present it as a fait accompli and then call his wife controlling when she pushes back

the sheer irony of tje title when he is the uncompromising one

It’s not clear anything. You said she’s raising three kids. You are negating his contributions when he clearly said he does the school runs works from home and contributes . You want to say because she’s the pregnant one she automatically does more. You are the ridiculous one here like a lot of the commenters. Don’t be silly right back at ya!

There are his DW's posts on this thread which are adding some context

He is essentially hijacking family holiday for golf.

He moved dates of this holiday after meeting the friend, so it , oh so accidentally, means they overlap.

His idea was that she should spend big part of the day at the friends hotel, which doesn't really work with tge three children.

Given the experience from last year, when he considered reasonable to spend three afternoons from a week long holidays golfing, do you really believe that if she agreed with this first half a day, it would stay one half a day?

No he isn’t unreasonable to WANT to do it

he is unreasonable to present it as a fait accompli and then call his wife controlling when she pushes back

the sheer irony of tje title when he is the uncompromising one

The background isn't really relevant. You are not unreasonable to want an afternoon to do your own activity on a holiday.

This - if it's once in a lifetime for you to play golf there go for it, it's only half a day, tell her that you are playing

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

What you're basically doing is telling your wife that, to you, golf time is more important, valuable, and rewarding than time with her and your children. Can you see why that would hurt?

How often and for how long do you look after all the children on your own?

Seems a little ridiculous to take our argument from offline to online but as my wife has decided to put her pov in to “swing the vote” her way, let me clarify some of the points from her post;

1. Yes we had a week long holiday last year where I played 3 rounds of golf with friends. I wanted to take my golf friends on a trip but my wife was against me doing that so I suggested that all of the families tag along. We did not take a family holiday and turn it into a golf holiday, we took what was originally planned as a golf trip and tried to combine the 2 because I wasn’t allowed a separate trip for golf…
2. We were always looking at going to Dubai for this trip from my OP. Canaries was floated as a cheaper alternative if we couldn’t work Dubai out. The dates moved slightly so that I could book reward flights using avios points and a companion voucher, as there were no reward flights available on other dates. This has meant we also now get to fly home business class, something we’ve not done before, but also something my wife has now moaned about because I’ve used more points (there weren’t any economy reward flights available).
3. I am not making her do anything in return. She doesn’t have to meet up with her friend if I go off, it was merely a suggestion. I am happy for her to have half a day off for herself doing whatever she’d like, but as you can see she doesn’t want to do that.
4. the “putting it off until future” part doesn’t sit well with me because there’s no guarantee of future.

Check his wife’s previous posts. He’s been prioritising golf/gambling for years.

Sorry, I think I’ve mistyped or misunderstood something. My understanding is that he’s booked Dubai as a family holiday and that’s what he’s told DW but he’s known that his friend is out there at the same time so he’s planned to hijack the family holiday with golf. He knows that if he told his DW this prior to booking she’d have said can we go to the canaries instead pls?
either in his thread or on hers outside about him chatting with the friend about playing golf in Dubai prior to booking.