DP just isn't interested in DS

It reads to me that the series of decisions you have made as a couple have meant you have arrived at a situation where there isn't a lot of give to your life. It's a pretty impossible situation and if it continues as it is I don't think you are going to make much progress in the situation.

The change to your employment, whilst didn't cause your partner to need to work nights, means that now there is a significant barrier for your partner changing jobs.

The night shifts are having a negative impact on his wellbeing. Definitely pursue a review on the sleep apnea, suggest restarting the antidepressant but also research SAD and maybe look into getting a SAD lamp and tips and resources for improving SAD in shift workers. I'm bipolar and this time of year does a number on my mood. The days and days without sunlight really kick my mood.

As he is working nights, struggling with the lifestyle changes this brings, as well as, and I say this as kindly as possible, your strong desire to be present and always there mum means that his role of dad is squeezed into 12-20h a week. Some of the language you use alongside your critique of his interactions couples with a person that is susceptible to depression I can see how your partner might then struggle with the being a present parent. Defaulting to "my" son and saying he will "ruin" bedtime. I have a poor sleeper, I get it, but can you also see that how the negative language perpetuates the perception that what your partner does isn't going to be right and I can see how it would then be harder to initiate play that you are going to be judged on. Your son will be aware of the dynamic too and you won't be equal, you will be the person that answers 97% of his needs and daddy is the person he tolerates the day you aren't there.

I struggled with playing with my daughter due to severe pnd and one of the things I found helpful wasn't the big activities and the dedicated play time but doing more of the day to day activities and learning to be a bit more playful in those brief moments. It meant that my daughter saw me more playfully and we could bring those bits of play into activities. I had some therapy with the infant parenting service and they did some recordings about aspects of parenting and we then looked at clips and photos showing those aspects of parenting. It was really helpful and allowed me to slowly get out of my head. I really struggled with letting loose and being childish as it felt so false.

My eldest is 5 and a poor sleeper, I have a 5 month old and I think you are quite naive in thinking that you are going to be able to carry on as you are. We had to start trying to get my daughter to sleep for my partner around the age of 2 as I found myself in a & e with my mum after she fell down a flight of stairs fracturing her back in two places. It was bed time and I needed to be in the hospital for my mum but also at home for my daughter. For two weeks I left the house every other night at bedtime so that dad could do bedtime. There were lots of tears the first few nights but she quickly accepted daddy at bedtime. I then did another two weeks every other day being " busy" at home and after that she has accepted both of us for bed time. It was liberating for me, knowing that if something happened I could be somewhere else and it strengthen my daughter and partners relationship. We have had to change her routine since our second arrived in September. She was still quite reliant on us for sleep but then when baby was 5 weeks my partner had a meeting in the US. His parents came up to help, in the first few weeks I had been able to feed the baby and get him to sleep and then do bedtime with my daughter but at 5 weeks we started with witching hour at my daughters bedtime. We had 4 days of my in-laws trying to do bedtime with my daughter but her wanting me, my son needing me too. We were playing pass the parcel with the baby and me trying to do as much of my daughters routine as possible. Then the day my partner got back I had a him with horrific jet lag having been awake for 32h, a screaming baby and a 5 yo that wanted mum to sit with her to go to sleep. I couldn't give anyone what they needed. The 5 yos bedtime routine had to change and ever since she has gone to bed on her own and dad has done most of them. We had hoped to change her bed time routine before baby arrived but I got so unwell in pregnancy I had 2 assessments for preterm labour, twice weekly blood tests and two hospital admissions before being rushed into hospital for induction at 36+6 weeks. I was too unwell to look after her during the day so had to prioritise her being ok with others during the day to worry about the night time

There's not much that can be changed whilst you are on maternity but afterwards could you adjust the balance a bit, would there be opportunities for you to do an extra shift and your partner do a day less? You might find that extra day makes the difference to his energy levels and resilience.

I'd look into things you can do for yourself once a week for half an hour. I think it does a person good to have time when they aren't parent/partner/child. I started an online pilates class. I'm not a gym goer and can't stand group classes but the online class just feels like me and the instructor and it helps me breathe properly for 45 minutes a week. I have previously gone running and swimming just a bit of time where I'm not having to be or do anything, just be me feeling the beat of the pavement or the flow of the water. I have got back into reading since having my daughter and when I was working I would sit and read on the train to work but now I'm at home I try to have a bath and read for half an hour.

In the long term you need to look into both of yours employments to work at what the right balance is for your family as a whole.
In the medium term you need to look at improvements to your partner and your health and wellbeings
In short term look at giving your partner more time to be default parent, step back a bit and let him do some figuring out for himself. Play doesn't have to be structure activities and for hours at a time look at the small moments too and there are some more immediate things regarding his health that want looking at sooner.

Cannot he not just take him to the park /playground.. everytime no matter the weather . Could get one of those push along bikes .. then on the swings and stuff
Not organised activities but fresh air and a bit of a walk is good for all.. its not exciting but just builds engagement... maybe look for signs of nature or go to the odd farm... Or go feed ducks or something like that...
Toddler play can be dull.. but so much scope on a walk... And pushing swings is a necessity and easier to build on at that age we had a couple of regular playgrounds...

Or could he do crafty stuff -gluing sticking painting? Building stuff can look up projects on line..if he likes more practical things than imaginative play..

Toddler football/dance/gym starts about age 2 here ... But appreciate booked classes are day specific

I think your right to be concerned now as hes potentially going to have a great opportunity to improve bond whilst he's off ... I think lead up time is useful so he has todo 1 thing with DS on his day off that is not sofa related.. even if that's something you would usually do ..

If there's something physical that you can drop and he can pick up?

I apologise as I see you have replied 192 times so I only got this far before wanting to say (and again, apologies if this has already been discussed) but my first thought was, is he depressed?
Then I read that he's come off his anti-depressant and boom goes the dynamite 🧨💥
He felt better because the medication was working. Same thing happened to my friend when she came off hers initially because she didn't want to take depression drugs for the rest of her life.
One month later or less, crash.

For me, I made friends (if you like) with my mental health illness and accepted that to be able to function in a decent condition, I have to take these tablets.
Would I like to come off them?
Of course! But I know it will be a messy experience and I don't know how long I will be messy for and it scares the shit out of me because in the past I've been a ticking time bomb of all emotions but it's something I do plan for my future.

Anyway I digress, he needs to continue with the medication and/or have therapy to release the reason(s) why he has to have it.

Secondly, when my kids were little I took my DC1 to children's centre's and playgroups.
Have a look at your local churches (Methodist churches usually have something) and your local childrens centre's can be found on council websites for timetable access.
Leisure centres usually have a toddler soft play.

Third and final point (I think), I get that he finds it difficult to interact with your DS, but my DS was so happy to play by himself and I often felt guilty for not being on the floor with him (I did play with him also ftr) but I did communicate with him and gave encouragement.
But I enjoyed watching him do things as I was amazed by the evolution and how clever their brains are and how they work.

Educational programmes on TV if needed (taught my son a lot):

Number/alpha/wonder blocks
Hey Duggee
Blaze and the monster machines

Nowadays, Bluey.

Good luck with the C-section and sending you lots of love x

She lives in a small town, she would have been spotted!

@Nichonn

couldnt she have just gone for a coffee or walked to a pub for a glass of wine or whatever, rather than just sit in her car?!

A good friend of mine who has 3 sons had no hobbies she was interested in at the time but used to pretend she had a class every Thurs for an hour to show the boys mammies werent just mammies and also to force her husband to be home on time and do something round the house!!! She sat in the car and relaxed for the hour. She was too worn out to think of any outside interests at the time, she had almost forgotten who she was. That hour helped, and she did join a mum's football team later on

A good friend of mine who has 3 sons had no hobbies she was interested in at the time but used to pretend she had a class every Thurs for an hour to show the boys mammies werent just mammies and also to force her husband to be home on time and do something round the house!!! She sat in the car and relaxed for the hour. She was too worn out to think of any outside interests at the time, she had almost forgotten who she was. That hour helped, and she did join a mum's football team later on

It's a bit late in the day to be realising that DH isn't very child friendly and to be having a second child so soon when his health is suffering and he's working nights seems like you need to take the blinkers off.

Is DH involved in feeding & changing DS, bathing him & doing bedtime stories? He needs to be able to do everything you do if you want this to work. He can't just sit on the settee needing prompting, that's like having another child.

He might be depressed because his life is in turmoil and maybe he's agreed to what you want & hoping the fairy god mother will come along.

I found out the hard way, married someone & thought becoming a father was what he wanted as much as I did becoming a mum. Turns out he was just going along with it - he never said as much he just took it out on me & DD. It didn't end well.

@Karma1387

what about anti anxiety medication?

You need to try therapy again surely. You've decided to have two children and you can't now just say we'll providing my children with a normal childhood where they see their parents living full lives is too hard.

You have caused this situation. By you insisting on giving up your career so you could spend more time with your son, it’s meant your partner has had to work overnight, only get one day off and now you spend your time criticizing how he spends that small amount of time? Holy moly.

Firstly, it’s good for kids to play independently - if anything more independence and less structured play helps them to develop healthy coping skills and not be clingy.

Secondly, not every parent does things the same way. My dad wasn’t the ‘play’ type but we had a blast going for walks, and even mundane things like going to the shops. I love him dearly, and so does his granddaughter who he also doesn’t really ‘play’ with (but she helps him water the garden and things like that).

Thirdly, referring constantly to ‘my’ instead of ‘our’ son speaks volumes on how you see the relationship- it certainly sounds like you’d benefit don’t really care about your partner beyond his baby making apparatus.

@Karma1387

what about when you were at college, uni, etc?

You either basically mimic what other people do and try it or you get help from a therapist, which I think is the better option. I understand that it is an anxiety based issue but anxiety can be managed. It will be exhausting for you to force yourself through this, but given that both you and your DP are the same you are definitely going to pass this on to your children. They won't just become social, confident and outgoing people by themselves, you and their dad are their role models and you both sound very reclusive. Part of it is also to have hobbies and interests as others have mentioned, without a life outside of your children you will have nothing of interest to talk to people about.

How do you manage at work @Karma1387 Do you have to communicate with other people?

Could your partner take your DC to something on his day off

Obviously if you have a horse which is stabled and you use livery it's incredibly expensive- but that's not the only way of doing it. Not all equines are stabled, having a horse/pony which lives in a field is much, much cheaper-even if you pay rent for the field- it's more work , but that's the point isn't it.
I don't really see the social aspect as a downside to working on a yard, mostly you are working, not socialising- it sounds as if your commitment to riding does not stretch to doing any work,so you either want a horse in livery or to take riding lessons, both of which are expensive and you definitely can't afford.