Page 3 | DP just isn't interested in DS

Karma1387 · 2026-02-06T17:31:19+00:00

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice. I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day. Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond. DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work. Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact. I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

Goldwren1923 · 09/02/2026 21:05

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:46

Is my son really missing out that much because we don't go places? I assumed the need to go out places was more to do with the burning his energy and getting exercise (which is the part I was planning to address post baby) as he's very active. So like country parks etc where he can run wild and burn energy!

It never occurred to me he would be missing out because we don't go to the shops or random trips to buy stuff?

He’s missing out because you don’t go ANYWHERE. And because you don’t do anything outside the house nor have any friends with kids or any friends at all for that matter.

its honestly bizarre that your child wants to go home from the park all the time. Maybe he’s picking up that you hate being anywhere other than sitting at home.

and yes. 2 year olds can have friends. My 2 year old has friends at nursery, and friends outside nursery. When they are just under 2 it’s not as pronounced but 2 and over they really start having preferred friends to play with and get happy when they see them.

And most importantly you don’t want to change your ways at all if this means slightest discomfort to you or MINIMALLY doing something that you are not accustomed to but at the same time you started off that thread wanting for your husband to change his ways and do something that doesn’t come naturally to him and hence cause him discomfort.

its a very strange thread.

CypressGrove · 09/02/2026 21:03

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:46

Is my son really missing out that much because we don't go places? I assumed the need to go out places was more to do with the burning his energy and getting exercise (which is the part I was planning to address post baby) as he's very active. So like country parks etc where he can run wild and burn energy!

It never occurred to me he would be missing out because we don't go to the shops or random trips to buy stuff?

Yes he really is. Look at the negative impacts on lockdown on childhood development - your son's life doesn't seem that much different to children in lockdown although he does have nursery which is good and your mum taking him out twice a month.

Thechaseison71 · 09/02/2026 21:03

LordofMisrule1 · 09/02/2026 18:43

No this isn't normal at all. The mums I know are actively engaged with their children. They play with them, delight in them, relish time with them, are on top of their needs and healthcare (vaccines, dentist, check ups etc.), know who their friends are at nursery, their current favourite book, take them places, and clearly adore them.

And the exact same goes for the fathers I know (I wrote it this way around for an obvious reason as I'm sure you can tell).

Your boyfriend is a deadbeat dad, and you bear some responsibility here. You might have not known what type of dad he'd be before your son. But you knew when TTC your next child, and you chose to saddle them with a crap dad anyway.

The important decision you'll ever make for your children is who you choose to be their other parent. You can't be blamed for the first child. But the second, why would you do this to them?

Wow I've never know such perfect parents let alone ALL the parents I know being so

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 21:01

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:59

@Karma1387 it might be useful when you are next at the library to see if they have a book on childhood development, which could give you ideas on what you can both do, within your comfort zone.

As in a book for like child development course or just a general child development book?

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EllieQ · 09/02/2026 20:59

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:48

But what is he learning? In a 5 minute trip in to grab bananas is he really learning that much? To make it worth getting in the car and going?

This thread started about my partner but I have to admit its been fascinating what other people consider normal that I haven't ever considered doing with my kids!

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On a very basic level, he’s learning how shops work - you pick your items, put them in the trolley, go to the checkout, pay, put your shopping in the bag, leave the shop. If you walk there he sees the world around him, if you get the bus he sees how to get the bus (get on, pay the driver, take your ticket, find a seat, press the bell when you need to get off), if you drive he sees you driving, stopping when it’s a red light and going when it’s a green light.

Just like when you and your DP take him to a cafe or restaurant and he learns by watching you look at the menu, order the food, eat at the table, etc.

Babies and toddlers learn how the world works by observing you doing things. If you don’t do much with your DS, he won’t learn about the wider world. I appreciate that pregnancy means you can’t do much at the moment, but what kind of things did you do when he was a younger baby?

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:59

@Karma1387 it might be useful when you are next at the library to see if they have a book on childhood development, which could give you ideas on what you can both do, within your comfort zone.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:56

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:51

I assume with night shifts you and your partner are a bit like shops that pass in the night so your DS is not seeing you two interact much. Do he needs to learn how conversations work, see different people’s emotions, happy, sad, laughing etc

Did you read the link I posted about shopping. It’s from BBC so safe to open

Yeah when I'm not on maternity we don't really see much of each other at all although we don't really talk a lot when we are together either. Neither of us are chatty people.

Yeah I had a look at the link you sent. I just find it odd to think a quick trip to the shop is a worthwhile social learning opportunity. But you learn something new everyday. I will try to do it at least once a week with him and just drive to the local Tesco for some fruit. It's not very exciting for him but if shopping is important I don't want him to miss out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:52

Cherrytree86 · 09/02/2026 20:48

@Karma1387 maybe just stay home, OP

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I don't mind going out although if I didn't have kids I would happily stay at home! but I'm happy to take the kids to zoos, country parks things like that are all things I planned to do after baby now I can drive again as long as I don't lose it again after this birth.

But it really hadn't ever occurred to me that it was important to take them to shops etc. I briefly remember going to the shops etc with my granny when I was younger but it was never done as a learning experience. It was a get what we need and leave. I hadn't ever viewed it as a learning experience and it didn't help me to learn to be social or not mind going to shops so I am just surprised.

OP posts:

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:51

I assume with night shifts you and your partner are a bit like shops that pass in the night so your DS is not seeing you two interact much. Do he needs to learn how conversations work, see different people’s emotions, happy, sad, laughing etc

Did you read the link I posted about shopping. It’s from BBC so safe to open

Cherrytree86 · 09/02/2026 20:48

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:46

Is my son really missing out that much because we don't go places? I assumed the need to go out places was more to do with the burning his energy and getting exercise (which is the part I was planning to address post baby) as he's very active. So like country parks etc where he can run wild and burn energy!

It never occurred to me he would be missing out because we don't go to the shops or random trips to buy stuff?

@Karma1387 maybe just stay home, OP

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:48

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:46

At the shop he will see other people interacting, chatting, asking staff. All learning experiences for him

But what is he learning? In a 5 minute trip in to grab bananas is he really learning that much? To make it worth getting in the car and going?

This thread started about my partner but I have to admit its been fascinating what other people consider normal that I haven't ever considered doing with my kids!

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:46

Is my son really missing out that much because we don't go places? I assumed the need to go out places was more to do with the burning his energy and getting exercise (which is the part I was planning to address post baby) as he's very active. So like country parks etc where he can run wild and burn energy!

It never occurred to me he would be missing out because we don't go to the shops or random trips to buy stuff?

OP posts:

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:46

At the shop he will see other people interacting, chatting, asking staff. All learning experiences for him

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:44

@Karma1387 yes just buy a bunch of bananas (or whatever you like, doesn’t have to be expensive) and go to the basket check out

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:42

CypressGrove · 09/02/2026 20:37

I think people are focusing on shops because its a pretty normal thing for people to do and its a way to get you son seeing some interaction with the world. You don't catch up with friends, you don't take him to mother and children groups, library groups, play groups - from my reading I can't tell if your son has seen you interact with the world much at all.

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I don't think my son has seen me interact with anyone except a small bit of family, nursery handover and restaurants. I don't go anywhere else and if I do I'm not interacting with people. Even when we have gone baby groups I don't mix with people if I don't have to.

But when you go to the shop are you really interacting with people? its not like you are going to chat to strangers. I generally assume most people are going through self scan or using the handheld scanners. Are they really seeing that much social interaction to make going to the shop worthwhile if it's not something you normally do?

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:39

Superscientist · 09/02/2026 20:31

Most of the year absolutely not as there are other much more engaging and pleasurable things to do. In a cold damp February when I haven't seen the sun in 2 months and have a 2 year old with cabin fever and I'm running out of ideas of how to spend another day with them ....yes I do!

At first it was stressful but I learnt that my daughter couldn't get up to too much mischief, it's nice flat surface so was fine when she wasn't super confident on her feet or couldn't walk a huge distance. How do they behave at the zoo what do they interact with there?

I guide them, would you like an apple or a pear. They might say I want a banana if they don't choice I say ok let's have an apple today. I look when ordering about what I could do at the same time. We live in a small town in the peak District so most things are a 20-30 minute drive. We have a choice of 3 larger towns so it's case of looking at which had what we want in stock and then what is near that shop to make the trip more worthwhile. I never fretted too much about car naps but did roughly time things for mid morning or mid afternoon which were natural times she would nap for.

I haven't been to the zoo with him since he started walking. My mother takes him and the impression I get is he just kind of runs around pointing at and imitating the animals. The zoo they go to has a toddler friendly park so he runs around a bit in there (usually comes back with a bumped head or nose). He obviously can't run free at the supermarket he would have to be in the trolley or attached to a harness and I worry it will just annoy him.

How did you cope with the fact the car naps were significantly shorter? My son naps 2-4 hours at a time so when he only has a 20-30 minute car nap it makes for a very overtired toddler. Do you just accept its the cost of a trip somewhere for an hour or two?

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CypressGrove · 09/02/2026 20:37

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 19:49

I am really shocked by the amount of replies making going to the shop for the sake of going to the shop sound like a very normal thing. The stress of it sounds horrible. Add in the risk of a car nap completely ruining your day how do you manage it all? Hoping there is something nearby that your kids will want to do? Do you research and plan it all out beforehand? or risk going somewhere and there being nothing nearby of interest to the kids?

Show quote history

I think people are focusing on shops because its a pretty normal thing for people to do and its a way to get you son seeing some interaction with the world. You don't catch up with friends, you don't take him to mother and children groups, library groups, play groups - from my reading I can't tell if your son has seen you interact with the world much at all.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:35

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:28

This is for a slightly older child but the learning will start at a younger age when you go shopping

https://www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/zw97fdm

Edited

So do you just buy things you don't actually really need? Not doing an actual shop? Just say buy a bunch of bananas just so they get to pick up a banana and put it through the till?

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Superscientist · 09/02/2026 20:31

Most of the year absolutely not as there are other much more engaging and pleasurable things to do. In a cold damp February when I haven't seen the sun in 2 months and have a 2 year old with cabin fever and I'm running out of ideas of how to spend another day with them ....yes I do!

At first it was stressful but I learnt that my daughter couldn't get up to too much mischief, it's nice flat surface so was fine when she wasn't super confident on her feet or couldn't walk a huge distance. How do they behave at the zoo what do they interact with there?

I guide them, would you like an apple or a pear. They might say I want a banana if they don't choice I say ok let's have an apple today. I look when ordering about what I could do at the same time. We live in a small town in the peak District so most things are a 20-30 minute drive. We have a choice of 3 larger towns so it's case of looking at which had what we want in stock and then what is near that shop to make the trip more worthwhile. I never fretted too much about car naps but did roughly time things for mid morning or mid afternoon which were natural times she would nap for.

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:28

This is for a slightly older child but the learning will start at a younger age when you go shopping

https://www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/zw97fdm

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:22

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:08

Do you not know your local area? When your DS was in a pram did you not go for walks with him?

Your DS is like a sponge, he needs variety, interaction with other people, seeing other people interact, looking and learning about all the things he can see in nature, in shops etc.

You are already limiting his interaction with other people as you don’t have friends, so he is not learning to meet people/other children that way. So you need to make some effort to get out and about. You obviously go out to the zoo, so how do you work that round naps etc?

Google things to see if there are parks or other green spaces around which he can toddle about in. Cafes with play areas

I don’t think you get how much they can learn from simple things like shopping

There is so much research and evidence on how toddler’s development was stunted during lockdowns because they were stuck at home not seeing other people interact, didn’t know what shops were etc You are partly replicating that. Hopefully your partner can get out and about in his 6 weeks off. Maybe whilst scrolling on his phone he can research the area around you, and it doesn’t have to be expensive places

He goes to nursery 3 days a week so he does have some social interaction with other people which is a good thing. It's the only reason I send him to be honest, if I could cover the social aspect myself I'd keep him home with me but as I can't he goes there to learn to socialise and interact.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 20:21

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:08

Do you not know your local area? When your DS was in a pram did you not go for walks with him?

Your DS is like a sponge, he needs variety, interaction with other people, seeing other people interact, looking and learning about all the things he can see in nature, in shops etc.

You are already limiting his interaction with other people as you don’t have friends, so he is not learning to meet people/other children that way. So you need to make some effort to get out and about. You obviously go out to the zoo, so how do you work that round naps etc?

Google things to see if there are parks or other green spaces around which he can toddle about in. Cafes with play areas

I don’t think you get how much they can learn from simple things like shopping

There is so much research and evidence on how toddler’s development was stunted during lockdowns because they were stuck at home not seeing other people interact, didn’t know what shops were etc You are partly replicating that. Hopefully your partner can get out and about in his 6 weeks off. Maybe whilst scrolling on his phone he can research the area around you, and it doesn’t have to be expensive places

I live in a small town with not a lot in it and a lot of areas I won't go. We have walked to our main Tesco store as I didn't have a licence when he was little although it's a bit of a trek and to the park just around the corner but that's it. I don't venture into the main bit of town. I'm not a fan of driving unknown places so I don't venture much. It's usually only if me and partner are off at the same time we go somewhere and public transport our area is crap!

I don't go to the zoo my mother takes him every 2 weeks and it's hellish when he comes back. He usually ends up only having 20 mins nap in the car instead of his usual 2-4 hours and I deal with a very overtired toddler until I have to put him to bed and we usually have a big battle as he's so overtired.

I have had a look for the play cafe places as I hadn't heard of them before but our closest one is an almost an hour away and bloody expensive!

But surely they would only learn if I did my shopping whilst in the supermarket which I would rather not do as I do it once a week online which helps me stick to a budget and meal plan and big shops in store make me anxious. Surely they aren't learning much besides not to touch things in a shop?

OP posts:

sittingonabeach · 09/02/2026 20:08

Do you not know your local area? When your DS was in a pram did you not go for walks with him?

Your DS is like a sponge, he needs variety, interaction with other people, seeing other people interact, looking and learning about all the things he can see in nature, in shops etc.

You are already limiting his interaction with other people as you don’t have friends, so he is not learning to meet people/other children that way. So you need to make some effort to get out and about. You obviously go out to the zoo, so how do you work that round naps etc?

Google things to see if there are parks or other green spaces around which he can toddle about in. Cafes with play areas

I don’t think you get how much they can learn from simple things like shopping

There is so much research and evidence on how toddler’s development was stunted during lockdowns because they were stuck at home not seeing other people interact, didn’t know what shops were etc You are partly replicating that. Hopefully your partner can get out and about in his 6 weeks off. Maybe whilst scrolling on his phone he can research the area around you, and it doesn’t have to be expensive places

WhatNoRaisins · 09/02/2026 19:56

Admittedly I live somewhere near a variety of shops so it was an easy enough quick trip without needing to drive.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 09/02/2026 19:49

Superscientist · 09/02/2026 19:25

We get discount at two supermarkets but because of my daughters diet and our preferences we can't get everything from one shop. When it's a pint of milk the cost doesn't feel like much difference with or without the discount. I can then do a few things in the area, explore different parks or soft plays etc. When I worked absolutely everything was online but going into a shop breaks up the day. It means I see people and get a smile or a hello from other people which helps my wellbeing and my depression. My 5 mo loves giving the older women a big beaming smile and getting one back. It is teaching him communication and conversation. My daughter was a covid baby and absolutely missed out on this although she had health issues that also played a part.

We had the chat with the HV because of concerns but I wasn't suggesting that was why you needed to talk to them it just gives different slant to the conversation about speech and what would be helpful and might give your partner different ideas on what the could do to bring on speech. For what it's worth one of the problems we had with my daughter was that we could have a full conversation with her pointing and doing different facial expressions. Same with make believe games she got everything she needed without speaking so she didn't see the need until one day she got very cross with us and told us off for playing an American version of a nursery rhyme when she wanted and was expecting the British. So I wouldn't say you need to be waiting for speech to be able to do some of these things. There is a lot more to language and communication than words.

Are there any free drop on groups near you? These were good for us at this time of year. They would be good for either you or your partner to do. Our libraries do quite a few. If I haven't paid for them I don't worry about doing them every week but it brings a bit of variety, I can see what other children of the age are interested in and I get to see my child playing games/toys I might not have or expect her to be interested in. We went to one that was free play for 0-5 yos with nursery rhymes at the end. My friends with 2 y age gaps found them very useful when we had 2 yos. It was a safe place where they could sit with baby whilst getting the 2 yo out of the house. Even if it's just sat doing the same as they would do in the their homes they got to see day light and put shoes on and see other children. Their seconds were January babies so similar circumstances.

I think it's a really crappy time of year to a) have an almost 2 yo, b) have an almost 2 yo whilst pregnant and c) have an almost 2 yo whilst not feeling confident in what play looks like. Coupled with shift working I can really see how you have got to this place. I think at this time of year you have to be a bit creative to get outdoors, we all can get cabin fever otherwise. My daughter has been ill at the end of last week and whilst I only things I didn't do was the school run on Friday I was itching for daylight this morning when I took her for school. By Easter when there is warmer longer days being outdoors would be less forced but right now I definitely have to be finding excuses to be in daylight and around people. Regarding being out in this weather, with the right clothes there is no need to be cold and wet. Good wellies and waterproofs and layers with a change of clothes just in case. There is a lot of rain at the moment but also there are plenty of breaks in the rain and 5-10 minutes outside can really blow the cobwebs away. It sounds like your partner is working hard on improving his health it might be something he could start doing on his day with your son to get more activity for him and your son.

I am really shocked by the amount of replies making going to the shop for the sake of going to the shop sound like a very normal thing. The stress of it sounds horrible. Add in the risk of a car nap completely ruining your day how do you manage it all? Hoping there is something nearby that your kids will want to do? Do you research and plan it all out beforehand? or risk going somewhere and there being nothing nearby of interest to the kids?

OP posts: