Page 19 | DP just isn't interested in DS

Karma1387 · 2026-02-06T17:31:19+00:00

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice. I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day. Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond. DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work. Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact. I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

CypressGrove · 06/02/2026 21:55

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:06

I do keep saying we need to do the no phone thing especially on the days he only gets an hour with him. Although it doesn't stop him from zoning out or falling asleep but at least he wouldn't be able to read.

Unfortunately there isnt anything for dads in our area and no groups on his day off. But I do need to find an activity for them to do on his day off.

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Huh? No you don't need to find an activity for your partner to do with his son on his day off! Unless I missed it you haven't had a baby with a child so it's time for partner to step up as an adult and figure it out for himself. You'll be busy recovering and looking after a newborn, leave you partner to parent his toddler son. Don't step in and instruct.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:52

FlyingApple · 06/02/2026 21:47

I hope you realise how hard it is to actually change an avoidant person. They'll agree with you and reassure you and then carry on, maybe go through some brief blips to give you hope. It's a mammoth task, their baseline is to avoid whatever it is that they struggle with.

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As someone who herself suffers with anxiety and is very avoidant I know just how hard it can be to change someone. But I love him and I am happy to fight for him to improve. He allowed me to give up money to be with our kids as much as possible so in my eyes we are a team. I just want to know how to help him.

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MotherOfRatios · 06/02/2026 21:50

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:43

There isnt really a great deal of the parental responsibility to hand over when I'm with DS 6 days a week and he only has 1.

I wouldnt leave someone I love who supports me and our children. All my kids would end uo with in that scenario is a mum who suddenly has to work full time and now they barely see either of their parents and also have no money for anything. I can't see in what world that is a better option.

I do defend him because as much as it is hard to see and hard not to nag I see how he cuddles our son and when he does roughouse and play with him the joy in both their eyes is great. But he does need to put more effort on his day off to give our son a bit more time and effort to increase the bond.

I think I just find it a little hard being needed so much by DS but when I'm with him 6 days a week (apart from his hours at nursery) and I'm the one who fed and coslept with him for his first year and a bit hes going to be more attached with me. I think a lot of my stress is more about DS not thinking I don't love him when DC2 arrives.

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You're not getting it he doesn't support you if he can't look after his child?!

Start doing things have an eyebrow wax or your nails done and leave DS with him, there's ways to hand over responsibility.

I'm not sure what you're looking for as you're hell bent on defending him despite it being clear he's a crap dad.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:50

Thechaseison71 · 06/02/2026 21:36

So your son and he knew you would want another baby? Weren't either of the kids actually wanted by him because HE wanted to be a father?

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He has always said when we have discussed about having a baby both with DS and DC2 that he wanted to have them. I have always made it clear to him if he decided he didn't want anymore children he could get the snip and I would never hold it against him. But he has said he is 100% happy to have both. I don't think it hugely affects him if we have 1 or 2 children as he only gets 1 day a week with them until they start school and then possibly no full days with them until we can afford for him to take a paycut and move to daytime shifts with 1 weekend day off.

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FlyingApple · 06/02/2026 21:47

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:33

He does know this and he knows he has work to do. Actually doing it is a different matter. I am just glad I don't have a career as the idea of full time work and dealing with all the kids stuff would be super hard. (I'm aware lots of women do and I applaud them!)

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I hope you realise how hard it is to actually change an avoidant person. They'll agree with you and reassure you and then carry on, maybe go through some brief blips to give you hope. It's a mammoth task, their baseline is to avoid whatever it is that they struggle with.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:46

PollyBell · 06/02/2026 21:35

So he is not interested in the first so why have a second he wont be interested in that one either

He is interested he just struggles with mundane playing and engagement. Hes happy to love on him, roughouse etc. Hes just not good with the general hanging out/playing and talking to a 2 year old who speaks gibberish.

I think I am just hormonal so its getting to me more and I am facing my own guilt about DS feeling pushed out by me with new baby when he arrives.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:43

MotherOfRatios · 06/02/2026 21:33

You keep defending him but his actions don't sound like a father who loves his children. I'm not sure what you're looking for if you can't take the blinkers off?

Definitely don't have a third child.

But you need to start handing over more parenting responsibility to him!

My honest opinion is leave because he won't change

There isnt really a great deal of the parental responsibility to hand over when I'm with DS 6 days a week and he only has 1.

I wouldnt leave someone I love who supports me and our children. All my kids would end uo with in that scenario is a mum who suddenly has to work full time and now they barely see either of their parents and also have no money for anything. I can't see in what world that is a better option.

I do defend him because as much as it is hard to see and hard not to nag I see how he cuddles our son and when he does roughouse and play with him the joy in both their eyes is great. But he does need to put more effort on his day off to give our son a bit more time and effort to increase the bond.

I think I just find it a little hard being needed so much by DS but when I'm with him 6 days a week (apart from his hours at nursery) and I'm the one who fed and coslept with him for his first year and a bit hes going to be more attached with me. I think a lot of my stress is more about DS not thinking I don't love him when DC2 arrives.

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Thechaseison71 · 06/02/2026 21:36

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:45

I believe he loves my son. He knew as soon as we had our son I would want at least 1 more if not more.

His family are very unattached so I'm not sure if he just needs encouragement to learn how to have a close relationship with the kids and release his playful side.

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So your son and he knew you would want another baby? Weren't either of the kids actually wanted by him because HE wanted to be a father?

PollyBell · 06/02/2026 21:35

So he is not interested in the first so why have a second he wont be interested in that one either

MotherOfRatios · 06/02/2026 21:33

You keep defending him but his actions don't sound like a father who loves his children. I'm not sure what you're looking for if you can't take the blinkers off?

Definitely don't have a third child.

But you need to start handing over more parenting responsibility to him!

My honest opinion is leave because he won't change

Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:33

FlyingApple · 06/02/2026 21:21

Well he needs to massively work on himself and put the phone away.

If he's going to put obstacles in the way of bonding then he shouldn't be surprised when he doesn't feel bonded.

He does know this and he knows he has work to do. Actually doing it is a different matter. I am just glad I don't have a career as the idea of full time work and dealing with all the kids stuff would be super hard. (I'm aware lots of women do and I applaud them!)

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:31

bridgetreilly · 06/02/2026 21:14

He’s off for six weeks!

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He is but I don't want to risk ruining my sons sleep schedule and routine for my partner to then go back to work and I end up with a toddler and newborn not sleeping as I am the one who has to be up with them all day and night.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:29

Tempodrom · 06/02/2026 21:24

It sounds like he still has excessive sleepiness if he's falling asleep by 4pm. Did his consultant ok him to be back driving after he stopped with his diagnosis?

He needs to see the sleep clinic for cpap adjustment and to download his readings to see why it's not helping. He needs to ask his gp for full bloods inc thyroid ferritin hb1ac b12, etc to see if there is anything going on as to why is his so tired (although nights don't help at all)

Yeah he had to go in I think a month after he got the machine to check the readings were all okay and they approved him driving as DVLA made them fill in forms for him to get his licence back.

I check his machine through the day and the pressure settings on it are always where they should be so I dont think thats the issue although it does amaze me its been over a year and they dont do a follow up!

He is going to get his bloods rechecked although they did it all when he first went to GP for the sleepiness. They only agreed to refer to sleep clinic because I said his snoring was insane! Id also like them to test for diabetes but i'm not sure if we will have to fight for that one.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:25

Snoken · 06/02/2026 21:14

I don't think you can say he provides love whilst also saying DP simply isn't interested in DS. That isn't providing love or any of the feelings that should come with being loved. Your son is very young, but he won't be feeling loved by his dad this way. There will eventually be no attachement between them and that will give your DP more reason not to try.

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Saying he isnt interested probably isnt fair for me to say. He loves our son and he will happily cuddle and snuggled. Its more he doesn't seem interested/engaged in playing and talking to him which too a degree I get as it is very boring at times and as neither me or DP are big talkers we find talking to a 2 year old that cant talk a little difficult but I put a lot of effort into forcing myself to talk to DS and respond to his babble whereas DP struggles with this.

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Tempodrom · 06/02/2026 21:24

It sounds like he still has excessive sleepiness if he's falling asleep by 4pm. Did his consultant ok him to be back driving after he stopped with his diagnosis?

He needs to see the sleep clinic for cpap adjustment and to download his readings to see why it's not helping. He needs to ask his gp for full bloods inc thyroid ferritin hb1ac b12, etc to see if there is anything going on as to why is his so tired (although nights don't help at all)

Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:22

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2026 21:14

Will he go for a physical and mental health screening including blood work? It sounds like CPAP isn't helping him much and he should have seen a difference.

We're in Winter and I remember working nights barely seeing the sun because I went to work in the dark and came home in the dark.

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The CPAP has worked amazingly compared to how he was before. He couldn't stay awake driving, reading or anything before the machine. We couldn't even have a conversation sitting down without him falling asleep back then.

They did bloodwork when they referred him for possible sleep apnea and everything was clear but I have said he needs to get it rechecked as it could have changed and also push them to test for diabetes. His weight is a big factor I think but he struggles with the weight loss but hes trying. He says his mental health feels fine because I did ask him to consider going back on the meds before DC2 is born but he says he doesn't think thats an issue at all.

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FlyingApple · 06/02/2026 21:21

Well he needs to massively work on himself and put the phone away.

If he's going to put obstacles in the way of bonding then he shouldn't be surprised when he doesn't feel bonded.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:17

user1476613140 · 06/02/2026 21:06

As I have suggested there's some great online courses, even your HV might run face to face classes too or have ideas to suggest relating to play for your partner. It doesn't come naturally to everyone.

We will have the HV when DC2 arrives and I think for DS 2 year review so I can have a chat with them then.

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bridgetreilly · 06/02/2026 21:14

user1476613140 · 06/02/2026 21:07

Her partner works nights!

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He’s off for six weeks!

Snoken · 06/02/2026 21:14

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 20:20

What is the bar then?

From where I stand the only issue my partner has is bonding through play. He provides love, comfort and jsut struggles with the small bit of time he gets with our son to bond and engage. Yes this needs addressing and he knows that.

But I can think of parents on a much lower bar.

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I don't think you can say he provides love whilst also saying DP simply isn't interested in DS. That isn't providing love or any of the feelings that should come with being loved. Your son is very young, but he won't be feeling loved by his dad this way. There will eventually be no attachement between them and that will give your DP more reason not to try.

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2026 21:14

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:00

He came off his meds I think about 4-5 months ago. I ask regularily if hes sure hes okay but he seems to he confident he isnt depressed just tired and struggles with playing with him.

I have wondered about diabetes as I have heard that can make you tired so he has said he will contact doctors to see if they will test him for it.

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Will he go for a physical and mental health screening including blood work? It sounds like CPAP isn't helping him much and he should have seen a difference.

We're in Winter and I remember working nights barely seeing the sun because I went to work in the dark and came home in the dark.

user1476613140 · 06/02/2026 21:07

bridgetreilly · 06/02/2026 20:51

I will still be doing naptimes and bedtimes as my son wont do it without me

This is the ideal time for your son to learn to do it with Dad instead. Bonding is about much more than playing.

Her partner works nights!

user1476613140 · 06/02/2026 21:06

As I have suggested there's some great online courses, even your HV might run face to face classes too or have ideas to suggest relating to play for your partner. It doesn't come naturally to everyone.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 21:04

user1476613140 · 06/02/2026 21:00

I agree with OP on this point as her partner is a shift worker and does nights....

OP just ignore posters who are clueless about shift work especially if your partner does a night shift as you need to be on duty all through the night on your own (been there and done it years ago).

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Its hard work and the last thing you want is to ruin a routine you have spent so long getting!

He really isn't a bad dad. He just needs some work.

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user1476613140 · 06/02/2026 21:00

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 20:56

I do appreciate that but it took me over a yeear to get DS to sleep and nap without me next to him and its only the last few months he started going to sleep without crying for me when I leave and waking in the night shouting for me.

I really don't want to risk ruining 2 years worth of work for the sake of 6 weeks that my partner is off and risk that DS goes back to not wanting to sleep without me or shouting for me in the night as it would be a heck of a lot harder to cope on my own at night if I have a baby and a toddler needing me through the night.

Id rather find other ways for them to bond that can be continued when my partner goes back to work.

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I agree with OP on this point as her partner is a shift worker and does nights....

OP just ignore posters who are clueless about shift work especially if your partner does a night shift as you need to be on duty all through the night on your own (been there and done it years ago).