DP just isn't interested in DS

• partner needs to be taking
• access his blood results on NHS app or ask Dr's for a copy. Put them into chat gpt and it will tell you what is borderline and what isn't. Nhs guidelines for normal is SO LOW I'd be very interested in his wbc, ferritin, b12 etc
• He needs to take his health super seriously and take loads of vitamins and eat healthily. He is a shift night worker and overweight that's literally a recipe for high blood pressure and disease! Health is terrible in night workers usually, it's quite bad for the body
• Magnesium foot spray/cream or magnesium vitamins for him before bed to ensure a deep restful sleep. It's possible he still isn't actually getting enough restorative slow wave sleep

Things he needs to do on days off:

• get up, get toddler dressed and head out asap to the local library for rhyme time, or to take a book out and have a play with the toys. Good weather: use balance bike or trike and then go to a playground after for picnic lunch/cafe lunch and a play
• Back home for nap or nap in the car or buggy
• Or he gets up and takes toddler somewhere like a farm park, soft play (he doesn't need to get inside the soft play just choose a very young soft play, lots are made for kids 0-3 that just have a ball pit and slide eg) he can roll the balls to his son, clap when he comes down the slide etc
• Role play cafe, splash pad in warmer weather, museum, local hobbycraft or pets at home.. with half term coming up pets at home do loads of events on like holding guinea pig etc. He can watch.
• Obvs the bigger stuff like national trust or beach or zoo
• One of them toddler dance classes like moo music or jiggle and rhyme. Easy

This is what I was getting at . You’re going to spend more time defending him than getting applicable advice it’s going to be tough.

He sounds very adorable. I really do think you should try backing off and leaving them to it. You might be surprised - at 2 they do have their distinct personalities coming through but there is also a fair bit of mimicking of their care givers coming through - so whilst you do know best what he likes with you, you don't actually know what he might like best with his dad. I think most parents have been in a situation where they've confidently asserted their DC doesn't like such and such only to see them happily do it with grandma.

Don’t be sorry! The important thing is that you understand what you are feeling and why! That’s why I challenged slightly in my question.

I think this is probably why some of the advice won’t help. mn is kind of famous for wanting to paint dads with the same brush and that doesn’t really sound like what’s going on here.

So Now that you’ve distilled both down to what is really bothering you. Have the conversation with your partner. Explain both things that you just did here. A good partner and dad will understand both (to a certain extent) and be willing to be open about it, he’s probably got some unverbalized fears too!

On that last note I have not heard about any time that you’ve carved out for the two of you… are you factoring that in as well?

100% this. To be able to do the fun stuff with older kids, you have to have built the connection when they were younger. And yes that means the boring stuff! I was absolutely bored out of my brain with a lot of the baby and toddler stuff, but I did it anyway with a smile because I knew that that was how the connection were made.

He isnt around much to do day to day parenting but he has helped with bath time whilst I have been pregnant and he cooks on his day off.

He doesn't do a lot of the general parenting as hes at work or asleep.

Seriously?!!

Darling, you won't be able to do all naptimes and bedtimes when you have a second baby. Maybe SOME, but mainly you'll be tied to a baby, and especially after C section. I had a very chill second and it was still not possible.
You need to start your DP doing this before you have a second child, so there is a chance that you DS settles into this new routine by the time second arrives.

Many mothers don't have good parental role models and they still figure it out on their own without someone explicitly teaching them. You deciding that you are the most knowledgeable about both being a parent and about your son is damaging to your partner's relationship with his son. Let him do the figuring out which activities work best for the two of them. And 2 year olds have traits - emotional, social, levels of confidence versus fear, preferences (ie is he drawn to mechanical toys or imaginative toys), does he get absorbed in one thing for a while or is he easily distracted. You said he doesn't like being read to already and wants to take charge - sounds like he knows what he wants already.

Ok I’ve read most of your posts… and so far I think this one got to the crux… not saying that there isn’t more going on.

I’m having a hard time understanding what you are missing or wanting from him. He’ll read with, cuddle, rough house, he’s interested. Your own words… so is it that he doesn’t initiate things?

I think that it will likely be that dad and son end up spending a good bit of time doing things after new baby is here, but you also need to be willing and able to let them do it their way. Sure give suggestions, but also step back and let them build the relationship…it doesn’t sound like they’ve really had the chance.

At the same time you will have to spend some 1:1 time with your son and let dad spend 1:1 time with baby.

OP you’ve found lots of reasons to explain this - depression, sleep apnoea, a difficult childhood. At the heart of this though, do you actually think he wants to change? Because if he did, all of that is largely irrelevant - you make the conscious effort to put your phone down and be with your kid on their level.

i was an only child with a terrible mother and never did any sensory play or games etc, I just read. When my firstborn came along, I signed up for classes, I got ideas from the internet, I experimented. I learnt that I hated sensory play, but I did it because DD loved it. That’s pretty much what real parenting is, isn’t it - putting the child first and focusing on them? If he’s not willing to do that and experience the inevitable moments of boredom, discomfort and inconvenience, ideas from us aren’t going to help. Is he googling for help on this? Or is he passively letting you excuse away his lack of action?

It does sound to me OP that you have a fairly narrowly defined concept of what being a dad is based on your own dad, and that you baby for own partner a fair bit ( all this teaching him, instructing him). On top of that your partner spends very little time with is son - and potentially even less without you negatively judging his level of engagement and play. If you truly trust that your partner loves his son then take the opportunity for his six weeks off work for him to forge his own relationship with his son - without play ideas and activities from you. It's his son too so they'll find they have traits they share if you give them a chance. And then when he returns to work you both need to carve out time for the two of them to have one-on-one time.

Six weeks is nothing. It would be unsettling for the 2yo to get into a routine and for it to switch over again.

As I said, unless you've experience of shift work especially nights you won't get it...

He won't learn. And when ds is old enough to ask him to play etc , he won't be interested as dad hasnt made the connection when he was younger

@Karma1387 he sounds very tired - abnormally tired. I would say he needs to see a GP to be honest - does he have any energy left at all? Even working etc if he is getting 8/9 hours sleep or so he shouldn’t be so exhausted he can barely function. I don’t think that’s normal.