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Original poster

DP just isn't interested in DS

581 replies

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:31

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

OP posts:
Redragtoabull · 07/02/2026 20:37

Your DP works nights and sleeps all day, he definitely needs Vit D as a bare minimum. He should get his bloods done to see what he is lacking in and address it asap. Not enough daylight is depression inducing. I certainly wouldn't have started a bigger family in this situation

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 20:31

ShawnaMacallister · 07/02/2026 20:26

Sure he was - you do all the work

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I do all the work as I am at home so thats to be expected.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 07/02/2026 20:26

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 20:07

He said he was happy to have a second.

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Sure he was - you do all the work

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 20:07

Mykneesareshot · 07/02/2026 19:43

Exactly what I was thinking.

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He said he was happy to have a second.

OP posts:
ThisSharpShaker · 07/02/2026 20:05

I think it's quite common for men not to be keen on playing with very young children. Maybe you could think about giving him a teach-in on what to do. Also, maybe he could take him to an activity, maybe swimming or something that they can subsequently share. A few hours at the beach could be an opportunity to spot things using one of those I spy books.

Buffs · 07/02/2026 19:49

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:46

Is it a case of its something he can learn? His family aren't exactly loving/close so I'm not sure hes used to it.

Does he just need help learning how to relax/play?

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And what ‘help’ were you considering? Nagging won’t work.

Mykneesareshot · 07/02/2026 19:43

MostlyHappyMummy · 06/02/2026 17:36

Why did he decide on having another child?

Exactly what I was thinking.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 19:37

Piemam · 07/02/2026 19:32

I'm blunt. He needs to check the Cpap machine and so on. Then step the fuck up. He needs to engage with child otherwise what is the point in him? Sorry OP but this is the reality.

His CPAP pressure seems fine but hes going to ask for an appointment with the hospital to check the data.

Hes also going to go back on his meds and get some bloods done to see if anything else is wrong.

Hes a good partner who doesnt have a lot of time and energy and based on this thread needs some more support rather than my interferance.

OP posts:
Piemam · 07/02/2026 19:32

I'm blunt. He needs to check the Cpap machine and so on. Then step the fuck up. He needs to engage with child otherwise what is the point in him? Sorry OP but this is the reality.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 19:17

JJWT · 07/02/2026 19:11

Don't have time to read whole thread but I fear you'll be roasted on here for having a 2nd child with someone who was a waste of space the first time round!

He wasn't a waste of space. He was depressed, had a sleep condition he wasnt aware of and works hard to financially support us.

The thread has made me realise I have been veey infair to him and he needs my support to figure out his health issues. We have had a very serious chat tonight and he has admitted hes not been feeling mentally great so he will ask to go back on his meds before baby comes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 19:15

OpheliaNightingale · 07/02/2026 19:04

@ does he engage with you OP? Are you getting what you need from a partner? He sounds incredibly self absorbed. I suspect you and he have very different expectations of his six weeks off.. he may be viewing it as a ‘holiday’ whereas for you it will be a time of healing, bonding with babe, helping your toddler adjust. He needs to take care of you and toddler so you can focus on the baby. I’m not sure he is capable of responding to the needs of a child though.

We don't get a huge amount of time together but he does the little things that matter to me like buying me my cravings etc.

I think he knows what the six weeks is going to be like. I know hes looking forward to getting the chance to cook!

OP posts:
JJWT · 07/02/2026 19:11

Don't have time to read whole thread but I fear you'll be roasted on here for having a 2nd child with someone who was a waste of space the first time round!

OpheliaNightingale · 07/02/2026 19:04

@ does he engage with you OP? Are you getting what you need from a partner? He sounds incredibly self absorbed. I suspect you and he have very different expectations of his six weeks off.. he may be viewing it as a ‘holiday’ whereas for you it will be a time of healing, bonding with babe, helping your toddler adjust. He needs to take care of you and toddler so you can focus on the baby. I’m not sure he is capable of responding to the needs of a child though.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 18:41

user1476613140 · 07/02/2026 18:39

It was worth a try, like others I am trying to look at other options for you. You working more might be the only viable option so your partner gets respite if sleep apnoea is this severe. Night shift work could be seen as detrimental to his long term health.

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I have been trying to look into the ability to work more but so far the childcare costs are dibilitating and make us even worse off.

OP posts:
user1476613140 · 07/02/2026 18:39

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 17:53

I have just done a benefits calculator and even with a 10k paycut we arent entitled to anything with our earnings!

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It was worth a try, like others I am trying to look at other options for you. You working more might be the only viable option so your partner gets respite if sleep apnoea is this severe. Night shift work could be seen as detrimental to his long term health.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 18:32

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 07/02/2026 18:29

Also it won’t take you 6 weeks to recover from a c section. I had a slow recovery considering and it was a week. I was fine on the Sunday I went home and managed the pain with codeine from the hospital. You will be walking about at a week absolute latest.

I have had a c section previously. Its not so much about general recovery I think i was able to move after 2-3 weeks. Its the not being able to pick DS up or play with him the way he wants thats going to be hard.

OP posts:
Dinosaurhearmeroar · 07/02/2026 18:29

Also it won’t take you 6 weeks to recover from a c section. I had a slow recovery considering and it was a week. I was fine on the Sunday I went home and managed the pain with codeine from the hospital. You will be walking about at a week absolute latest.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 18:09

Scottishdriver · 07/02/2026 18:05

Couldn’t you work part-time and use the free hours/tax free childcare? You would only need to cover the 8k salary drop so working p/t it seems likely you could cover the shortfall. I also don’t know why you’d have to start you career from scratch, if you were previously in a 30k role, couldn’t you aim to go back to that? You’ve only had a two year break, only 3 if you stay off for the next 12 months.

in your shoes I’d be most worried that my DP is seriously ill and that he could end up unable to work at all for a period of time due the the amount of stress working nights with sleep apnea and potentially other conditions will be putting his body under.

Ultimately there isn’t an easy solution, but it sounds like there is way more going on here than a Dad who isn’t interested in his kid. You will need to work as a couple to identify what your goals are and what needs to change in order to improve his health, his bond with your DC and relieve the pressure on you of being the only parent who can do the core parents jobs like bedtime. There are choices you have to make as a couple.

I already work part time ( well on mat leave at the moment) I do the 2 nights that my partner doesn't.

I would have to start from the bottom in a different career as my job was also retail management same as my partner and the hours don't work with childcare unfortunately.

I think I have been very unfair on my partner in this post though and need to focus on how to support him so he can be a good dad.

OP posts:
Scottishdriver · 07/02/2026 18:05

Couldn’t you work part-time and use the free hours/tax free childcare? You would only need to cover the 8k salary drop so working p/t it seems likely you could cover the shortfall. I also don’t know why you’d have to start you career from scratch, if you were previously in a 30k role, couldn’t you aim to go back to that? You’ve only had a two year break, only 3 if you stay off for the next 12 months.

in your shoes I’d be most worried that my DP is seriously ill and that he could end up unable to work at all for a period of time due the the amount of stress working nights with sleep apnea and potentially other conditions will be putting his body under.

Ultimately there isn’t an easy solution, but it sounds like there is way more going on here than a Dad who isn’t interested in his kid. You will need to work as a couple to identify what your goals are and what needs to change in order to improve his health, his bond with your DC and relieve the pressure on you of being the only parent who can do the core parents jobs like bedtime. There are choices you have to make as a couple.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 17:53

user1476613140 · 07/02/2026 17:48

Actually UC would likely help pick up where his salary decreases until his health situation improves. That £8k would get bumped up in UC payments perhaps not quite that amount but close enough. Why not calculate it on the benefits calculator things you get online?

Your partner working day time will likely improve his health.

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I have just done a benefits calculator and even with a 10k paycut we arent entitled to anything with our earnings!

OP posts:
user1476613140 · 07/02/2026 17:48

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 12:18

Nursery for 2 kids full time would be nearly 15k after tax free chiildcare and free hours. So if I started a new career at the bottom we would be £600 worse off after paying daycare. If you then added a 8k paycut to my partner moving from nights to days you would be looking at about 1000-1200 loss each month. I dont think thats going to lower anyones stress levels or help either of us sleep.

So currently whilst it isnt ideal for his health nights financially makes sense. As soon as we are able to take him off nights we will.

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Actually UC would likely help pick up where his salary decreases until his health situation improves. That £8k would get bumped up in UC payments perhaps not quite that amount but close enough. Why not calculate it on the benefits calculator things you get online?

Your partner working day time will likely improve his health.

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 12:45

Goldwren1923 · 07/02/2026 10:09

But they are usually burnt out and miserable

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Really ? Didn't apply to either myself or my best friend who both worked full time as single parents with 3 kids each. You learn to manage your own situation. And OP Adoesnt actually seem unhappy at looking after the kids and has financial support on top of her own wages from her DH

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 12:40

Scottishdriver · 07/02/2026 12:35

but DP and DS being able to bond at bedtime even once a week is the benefit. Plus you are assuming it will ruin things, why? He’ll probably still be fine when you put him to bed, and will grow to be fine when DP puts him to bed. He’s 2, not a tiny BF newborn.

its not even realistic to believe DP won’t need to do bedtimes at all over the next 6 weeks. You’ll have a newborn, who will likely need a quite high level of attention from you around bedtime.

you need to learn to share parenting duties, even if it’s difficult in the short term. I speak from bitter experience. It’s better for everyone, including you, in the long term.

I say it will ruin things as we hsve tried to get DP to do bedtime when I have been ill or suffering badly with the pregnancy and my toddler wont go down for him without screaming for ages and I cant mentally cope listening to him scream for me. I know people will say 'suck it up' or 'he will stop crying eventually'but I just cant do it.

The newborn wont have a bedtime and DS bedtime routine doesnt take ages so I am hoping I can make it work especially as I will have to make it work when my partner goes back to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 12:37

Tempodrom · 07/02/2026 11:57

Do you have his previous bloods on the NHS app - what the doctor marked as normal may not be optimal and need supplementing. He definitely needs a full blood work up again to investigate why he is so tired (inc getting an appt to the sleep clinic- ours have drop in sessions once a week)

I'm not sure if they are still on there as it was almost 2 years ago but I double checked them when he had them done and all looked fine.

But he is going to ask for another full blood workup. It doesn't look like the hospital he had his tests done at does drop in sessions. I will get him to call them and see if he needs another GP referral or if they can make him an appointment just to double check his equiptment.

OP posts:
Scottishdriver · 07/02/2026 12:35

but DP and DS being able to bond at bedtime even once a week is the benefit. Plus you are assuming it will ruin things, why? He’ll probably still be fine when you put him to bed, and will grow to be fine when DP puts him to bed. He’s 2, not a tiny BF newborn.

its not even realistic to believe DP won’t need to do bedtimes at all over the next 6 weeks. You’ll have a newborn, who will likely need a quite high level of attention from you around bedtime.

you need to learn to share parenting duties, even if it’s difficult in the short term. I speak from bitter experience. It’s better for everyone, including you, in the long term.