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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just isn't interested in DS

581 replies

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:31

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/02/2026 22:34

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:03

Honestly I don't like any of that. I don't like anything that involves being social (hence I like riding horses as its just me and the horse)

I haven't ever had interests with the exception of horses. I actively avoid anything that involves having to talk to other people.

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How did you meet your DH and have you noticed any similarities between you?

Does he have friends and a social life?

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2026 22:31

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:07

I know he loves my son. You can see it in the moments he does enagage with him just how much he loves him. Those moments are just not as frequent as I would like but I appreciate they dont get a lot of time together to work on it.

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Are you sure that's not just you having hope over experience?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:31

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:23

I get being different but I think this is modelling that kids really benefit from. There's other potential people like family members or a passionate teacher though.

But I don't understand what I should be modelling? What does me going and lets say going to the gym for the sake of going even though I don't enjoy it. What is that modelling for my kids?

I would think taking an interest in their hobbies and activities is the important part? Not pretending to be someone i'm not.

OP posts:
Willowywisp · 07/02/2026 22:27

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:01

Possibly thats true. But I dont think pretending to have interests is the best thing for kids either surely?

You can force yourself to have hobbies. You either enjoy things or you dont?

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Agreed. What kids actually benefit from most is parents who are present - both physically and emotionally.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:23

I get being different but I think this is modelling that kids really benefit from. There's other potential people like family members or a passionate teacher though.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:15

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:11

Don't you want your children to have some curiosity about the wider world though?

Of course. I hope my kids are nothing like me. But I dont think lying to them and pretending to enjoy doing things on my own is the right thing either?

Shouldnt we teach them that everyone is different?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:14

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 22:07

Well hate to break it to you but often for the sake of your kids. I'm sure the majority of parents do stuff they aren't remotely interested in for them.

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Thats different. If my kids have things they want to do then I would do it with them. Thats different to me taking myself away from my kids to do something on my own I have no interest in. I'm not sure what sort of example that is setting except this something mum does because apparently its important to do things in your personal time even if you dont have an interest?

It would be very different if it was something I wanted to do in which case its a great example to the kids that its important to make time for things that make us happy. But if I don't have that I'm not sure I should fake it?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:11

Don't you want your children to have some curiosity about the wider world though?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:10

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:06

I do get that when you have babies and young children that can take up all your energy and not leave you with much for your own needs, I get that this is unlikely to be the right point in your life to consider a hobby. It's not healthy long term though.

I guess I don't feel like I am missing out if I haven't really had hobbies in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:09

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:02

@Karma1387

There must be SOMETHING that you enjoy though or are interested in?

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Honestly no. I read some books occasionally but that doesn't require going out. I usually just read during DS naps or in the evening if I cant sleep.

Its never occured to me that it isnt common. Surely most people work full time and then are with their kids. Obviously the full time work part doesn't apply to me but yeah I haven't considered any hobbies for me especially as when maternity leave is over next year I work the 2 nights my partner doesnt so there isnt really time to do anything anyway. Unless I can find a different job but then it would be family time if we managed to have a day off together.

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 22:07

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:04

Well yeah. As in forcing yourself to do something you have no interest in? Why would anyone do something they arent interested in?

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Well hate to break it to you but often for the sake of your kids. I'm sure the majority of parents do stuff they aren't remotely interested in for them.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:06

I do get that when you have babies and young children that can take up all your energy and not leave you with much for your own needs, I get that this is unlikely to be the right point in your life to consider a hobby. It's not healthy long term though.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:04

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:01

@Karma1387

going out for the sake of going out, is alien to you…eh?!

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Well yeah. As in forcing yourself to do something you have no interest in? Why would anyone do something they arent interested in?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:03

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:00

@Karma1387

Ah this is sad, OP! There’s a whole world outside of your partner and son! Do you like running; pottery; reading (book club); netball; life drawing; music; crochet; photography; gardening; women’s football, etc etc? These are all ways of developing your own personal life and meeting people. I know you said you like horses so maybe some kind of involvement with a stables? You are more than just a wife and mum - invest in yourself! 😀

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Honestly I don't like any of that. I don't like anything that involves being social (hence I like riding horses as its just me and the horse)

I haven't ever had interests with the exception of horses. I actively avoid anything that involves having to talk to other people.

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:02

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:01

Possibly thats true. But I dont think pretending to have interests is the best thing for kids either surely?

You can force yourself to have hobbies. You either enjoy things or you dont?

Show quote history

@Karma1387

There must be SOMETHING that you enjoy though or are interested in?

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:01

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:47

I assumed it was quite normal for people that don't have friends or massive hobbies to not really do a great deal.

The idea of going out to do something just for the sake of it sounds odd to me.

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@Karma1387

going out for the sake of going out, is alien to you…eh?!

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:01

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:00

I think as your kids get older it's worth considering what you two are modelling to your children. Kids really benefit from their parents being multi-faceted people who have their own lives and interests.

Possibly thats true. But I dont think pretending to have interests is the best thing for kids either surely?

You can force yourself to have hobbies. You either enjoy things or you dont?

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:00

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:46

Yeah we used to go out for walks or out to eat a lot and just general hanging out watching tv.

But I wouldn't go out and do that stuff with anyone else. I don't have any friends to 'hang out' with and there isnt anything I have hobby wise that I do on my own.

Show quote history

@Karma1387

Ah this is sad, OP! There’s a whole world outside of your partner and son! Do you like running; pottery; reading (book club); netball; life drawing; music; crochet; photography; gardening; women’s football, etc etc? These are all ways of developing your own personal life and meeting people. I know you said you like horses so maybe some kind of involvement with a stables? You are more than just a wife and mum - invest in yourself! 😀

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:00

I think as your kids get older it's worth considering what you two are modelling to your children. Kids really benefit from their parents being multi-faceted people who have their own lives and interests.

Nichonn · 07/02/2026 21:53

My BIL was like this, a lot of it was him feeling as though he was clueless with kids compared to how my SIL just naturally knew what to do. She got over it by suddenly becoming clueless and desperately needing his input and opinions. The time with your son after your csection unobserved by you could be all he needs to form his own parenting style and bond with him. I know its a bit pathetic but lots of praise will help if this is the case. My DH is great and very intelligent but I often feel he is just like another kid mentally. Parenting did not come naturally!!

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:47

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 21:42

Didn't you go out on dates and stuff though? The whole concept is alien to me tbh

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I assumed it was quite normal for people that don't have friends or massive hobbies to not really do a great deal.

The idea of going out to do something just for the sake of it sounds odd to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:46

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 21:42

Didn't you go out on dates and stuff though? The whole concept is alien to me tbh

Show quote history

Yeah we used to go out for walks or out to eat a lot and just general hanging out watching tv.

But I wouldn't go out and do that stuff with anyone else. I don't have any friends to 'hang out' with and there isnt anything I have hobby wise that I do on my own.

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 21:42

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:31

We met at work. He helped me gain the confidence to move up in my job. Ive never done the social thing. I used to have horses but a crap tone of debt later made me realise that its really only for the well off and I could never afford it with kids!

I haven't ever known any different. Haven't had friends in many many years so I dont really have anything to miss or be unhappy about.

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Didn't you go out on dates and stuff though? The whole concept is alien to me tbh

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 21:38

Good luck. I hope it helps.

NaiceBalonz · 07/02/2026 21:37

Christ, you picked a good one there.

Agree with the myriad of other people - he'll never change. Shit dads are shit dads.

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