DP just isn't interested in DS

My DH had quite old and very old fashioned parents who didn't play. He was also an only child and is on the autistic spectrum.

His parents are very lovely loving people, they did lots of activities with him but didn't play. They're giddy with love for my DC but watching them try to play is hilarious, they just present an object and try to engage in adult conversation about it.

Unsurprisingly, my DH also doesn't play and isn't playful. He does try and he has found it much easier now our DC can talk.

I'm the total opposite (and not my first DC) so our child does prefer spending time with me, but also loves my DH very much too.

I don't think it's as abnormal as it's made out to be that men sometimes find it hard to let go and play, especially with a child under 3 who can't talk back. My DH needs an activity, park etc. He also needs me not to be there. Mainly though he just needed our DC to be older and able to talk.

My DC turned out to be Orchestrator of the Known Universe once they could talk enough to make their commands understood, so my DH just gets told what to do in very specific terms now to play.

I also really recognise that this DC plays much less than my older one. I've played equally with both but my younger is much more into helping me with domestic tasks or drawing, whereas my oldest was massively into imaginative play. So I think some people are just less naturally playful than others

So you're happy to be a dogs body and martyr yourself? While he gets to do fuck all. Well I hope it all works out for you because you'll never leave him,you're already defending him . Good luck you'll need it

Might be the case. Certainly was with me.
I grew up fitting around adult’s lives while they were doing adult things. Not a single adult (apart from nursery teachers, etc) would play and for me that was normal- only kids play with kids.
we hired a nanny and when I first saw her engaging with my child I found it a bit strange. Took me a while to get used to it and be able to play with a little child.

Have you had a heart to heart and told him your concerns over the bond

He does sound exhausted, depressed and having had no positive role models.

You sound like a loving wife and mother and I think things can change.

Can you think of a hobby they could do together?

Wait so he is asleep for breakfast, nap times, and bed time? When is he awake? He will never bond with his child if he is asleep all the time. It's not going to magically happen. He needs to drop a day and you pick up an extra day to even it out.

You sound like you are making excuses for him. He can attend playgroups, taking him swimming (not lessons) too big for soft pay? What about the park? He needs to figure it out.

So he's just having children to appease you. Encouragement alone won't cut it to release his 'playful side'

He gets one day off? So he works six nights a week?

This is not sustainable and is literally shortening his life. It is an absolutely miserable set up. It could have killed him, or another person, when he was driving, It will also be very difficult to address his weight whilst he works these shifts.

After maternity leave you will need to go back to work and he changes to days or does fewer nights. Part of ‘being there’ for your children is providing financial support for them. The price of carrying that responsibility alone is actively harming your partner.

So true! My mum was the busy, disinterested one and my dad tried his best, but could never fully compensate. I blamed myself for her lack of interest and struggled with that for a long time.

Not defending your partner - he needs a kick up the arse if you want any hope of avoiding future psychotherapy bills. You need to lay it on the line - but you don't need us to tell you that.

I do find it interesting that you refer to your child as 'my son' not 'our' son. Makes me wonder if there is another dynamic at work, on top slack-arse fatherdom.

Can I ask what possessed you to have another child????

My husband also works nights and was pretty useless when the kids were really young. Once he could take them to play at the park, that became their thing and it was a lot better. They’re now 17 and 21 and are both close with their dad although it’s a very different relationship than the one they have with me and that’s fine. The important thing is that they know he loves them and cares what happens to them.

Your partner has you to model his behaviour against. In the last 2 years he's not picked up on any of your methods/behaviour? That's weird and makes him sound disinterested.
He'll find it hard doing the parenting when you're recovering if he's never done a bedtime or solo care before. Your child will want the comfort of mummy and that will be difficult for him to suddenly lose along with losing attention to a new sibling.

It's quite a small life for your children though if you don't have a social life - just seeing their parents interact with their various friends and learning more about different people, jobs and interests broadens their world. Do you have a large close family? Will you make an effort to build a circle when they are start school for playmates etc? The days of chucking kids out the front door to play with neighbours has pretty much gone so parents do have to help these days.

@Karma1387

you must realise that it’s incredibly unusual for both you and your partner to have no friends. I mean what if you split up? What about when your kids grow up and don’t need you so much as they have their own lives? You need to create a life for yourself outside of your partner and kids- for your own sake

@Willowywisp so parents shouldn’t have any interests or hobbies outside of their children?? Yeah, no. I couldn’t cope with that. There’s more to me than that.

I haven't read the whole thread only about half, but I actually think you're getting quite an unfair bashing here from a lot of posters.

Your partner sounds utterly exhausted. I think he needs to see a GP ASAP for bloods etc, and also to have a follow up with the sleep clinic. Sleep Apnoea can be devastating, even with CPAP, and he may well still be suffering. He really needs to stop working nights as soon as it's possible too, night shifts play havoc with many healthy people let alone someone with a sleep disorder

Regarding playing, as a few have said it doesn't come naturally to everyone. I can easily do any kind of imaginative or silly play, however my partner really struggles. He also had very hands off parents and I guess never had the example to follow. He's never done that kind of thing, but takes DS out, reads, does physical play etc. DS is 7 now and they've definitely found more common ground as he's got older. They can build Lego for hours! The main thing is your DP obviously loves his son, and I'm sure the bond will deepen given time. Like you said I'm sure things will improve with the weather when they can play outside. DP was always taking DS out on his scooter, to the playground or just for a walk to pick up sticks and other fascinating objects when he was 2 😂

He doesn’t need to be some stereotypical “fun dad”. Maybe the pressure to perform is making him feel self-conscious.

What he needs to do is show his child as much LOVE and ATTENTION as he can.

Tell him to always treat his child as if he finds him really interesting and lovable. (Hopefully he would actually feel that way in reality too. Or maybe that might follow.) It doesn’t matter if he’s quiet or serious. If he just does that, he will be meeting his child’s needs.

Can i ask you something? Are you honestly happy? I dont hear much if any joy in your posts! Your husband doesnt sound physically or mentally healthy! The fact that you were happy to have a second child in this environment is also not healthy. It sounds as if your both inabiling each other.
Do you go out much? Take the child out? See family? I know you have said you dont have friends.

Absolutely OP. Young kids don't give a shit what you are doing when you aren't with them. They just want to know when you will be home. Their world revolves around themselves at those ages. The only thing that actually matters to them is you being present, physically and emotionally for them.