Page 11 | DP just isn't interested in DS

Karma1387 · 2026-02-06T17:31:19+00:00

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice. I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day. Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond. DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work. Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact. I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:57

GreenGodiva · 08/02/2026 07:19

Has he actually checked his cpap app to see what hood scores and events are like? If my score is low due to illness or insomnia etc I really struggle to interact and function. It’s not just monitoring the app but also the machine is set to his weight and neck size from a whole year ago….. could he have gained weight? Lost weight? If hood score is low through non compliance /removing/not using the cpap or if his weight has altered by more than a few lb then this can all affect it. Weight changes often need a pressure change and if is more than a stone often a new sleep study. If it’s a resmed machine go to the MyAir app on his phone, total score and look at that. Mine is per much always above 95% and you want AHI/events to be below 4-5 per hour to be classed as compliant.

as somebody who has severe sleep apnea I can’t even imagine trying to juggle the cpap and working nights at the same time. It would absolutely destroy me no doubt.

His machine doesnt have an app? We can check the pressure whilst he is asleep and after i think on the machine. I check him through the day whilst he sleeps and the pressure always looks good.

He has lost 2 stone since he got the machine a year ago. Is it normal to not have follow ups?

Sleep apnea and nights really arent a good combo I agree. The sleep patterns are hard.

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Minglingpringle · 08/02/2026 08:56

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 23:03

Hes always willing to give love. We have a very cuddly kissy little boy and he loves snuggling up with him.

I probably do out too much pressure for him to be super fun and engaging. I think its because they get so little time I feel it has to be super full on but perhaps I am making it more of an issue than it needs to be!

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That sounds great.

But do you think he gives him enough attention? Does he ever seek the child out? Or does he just react lovingly when the child seeks him out?

If he’s on his phone a lot it makes it hard to be present.

Your poor husband sounds like he’s in a terrible state and there may well be lots that he’s not capable of. But the most important thing is that the child knows his father values him and seeks out his company. And is kind to him and involved in his life. When the child is grown, he will be able to forgive all the rest, but that is what will affect his self-esteem.

A quiet life is totally fine if that’s how things end up. A cold, distant father is not.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 08:54

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:46

But why would me having a life benefit them when they get older. They will have their own lives when they are older. They arent going to care what I am doing surely?

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But don't you want them to spend time with you as adults beyond duty visits? Don't you want to encourage them to have their own meaningful lives? I'm sorry but children really do benefit from modelling by their parents and they have one that just sleeps most of the time and one that doesn't seem to want to do anything.

Do you think that you could be depressed yourself?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:53

axolotlfloof · 08/02/2026 06:51

Encourage him to take your son out more.
It's harder to nor be engaged then.
Many men prefer children to babies so it will also probably improve with time.

Yeah I will encourage them to go out on their day together.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:52

sparrowhawkhere · 08/02/2026 06:43

A few things
You said he was too big for a play centre, is he very overweight and that’s why he’s so exhausted?

You need to get him more involved in practical tasks with your son because if you’re kept in longer than you think it’ll be a shock for your son

Call him ‘our son’ the fact you call him ‘my son’ even when talking about your partner adds to how separate you sound as parents. He’s not going to feel involved if you keep saying ‘my son’

I mean I assume he is too big for a soft play (they dont technically state a limit) but as it technically says adults arent allowed in the play frame (althouhh during the daytime sessioms parents do) i have assumed he weighs too much. I dont think his weight helps his tiredness. He has lost around 2 stone in the last year so he is trying but he find it very very hard.

I am of course hoping I will only be in the 1 night and worst case my partner can cosleep with DS if he wont settle. If I am in for longer thats a slightly different issue but my partner is capable of coping. I just prefer to keep our routine with bedtimes as it took me a long time to get them to where they are now.

Calling him my son is a bad habit of mine but I do it with everything. My car (car is partners not mine technically), my shopping. Its just a bad habit.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:46

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 06:36

I think the having a life outside kids becomes more important when kids are older which is why I wouldn't be worried now. Little kids just need love and attention. It's when they get older that they benefit more from this sort of thing.

But why would me having a life benefit them when they get older. They will have their own lives when they are older. They arent going to care what I am doing surely?

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:44

Gagaandgag · 08/02/2026 01:44

Have you had a heart to heart and told him your concerns over the bond

We have had a few chats and I can see he is trying. I can also see how shattered he looks both mentally and physically so I am trying to help.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:43

Gagaandgag · 08/02/2026 01:41

He does sound exhausted, depressed and having had no positive role models.

You sound like a loving wife and mother and I think things can change.

Can you think of a hobby they could do together?

I am working on a hobby for them to do. He is going to try the general swimming pool instead of lessons to see if he enjoys that a bit more.

Hes also going to stay up a bit and take him to toddler football on a weekend morning.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:41

Hedgehogbrown · 08/02/2026 01:41

Wait so he is asleep for breakfast, nap times, and bed time? When is he awake? He will never bond with his child if he is asleep all the time. It's not going to magically happen. He needs to drop a day and you pick up an extra day to even it out.

You sound like you are making excuses for him. He can attend playgroups, taking him swimming (not lessons) too big for soft pay? What about the park? He needs to figure it out.

He is at work during wake up and breakfast time we are usually 2 hours into our day by the time he gets home. And then always asleep for naptime. He varies with bedtime. It all depends on how DS day has gone and how much he has napped. Sometimes hes in bed by 6.30 in which case partner doesnt get to see him. Othertimes DS has a long nap and doesnt sleep until 9 so partner gets a bit of time in the evening and does bath time.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 08/02/2026 08:38

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:18

No my son is both our children. Its just have a tendsncy to say my son.

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I picked up on this and was going to say the same

it’s always my som

its our son

start making changes now if able to. Let partner put son to bed if fits in with working nights

letting a toddler control
you and what you do isn’t good

ie with the car seats. No mummy is staying in house. Daddy is putting you in the car

will you go back to work after ml?

you aren’t getting married till a date is set - which it isn’t if you say getting married this year or next so book a date

And partner look for a day time job

Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:36

CandidRobin · 08/02/2026 01:40

So he's just having children to appease you. Encouragement alone won't cut it to release his 'playful side'

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I csn't answer that. Before having DC2 we sat down and talked about it and if we wanted a second yet and he agreed he was happy to have a second now.

A few people have pointed out he may not have a playful side but that doesn't mean he cant be involved and have a relationship. I clearly need to encourage them to find their own system and way that isnt how I view it should be.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:34

Clonakilla · 08/02/2026 01:39

He gets one day off? So he works six nights a week?

This is not sustainable and is literally shortening his life. It is an absolutely miserable set up. It could have killed him, or another person, when he was driving, It will also be very difficult to address his weight whilst he works these shifts.

After maternity leave you will need to go back to work and he changes to days or does fewer nights. Part of ‘being there’ for your children is providing financial support for them. The price of carrying that responsibility alone is actively harming your partner.

He works 5 but he only has 1 'proper' day off. After his last shift he sleeps (ds is at nursery anyway) and then the day he is back at work he has to sleep before his shift (ds is also at nursery on that day)

Unfortunately me going back to full time work isnt an option as the chikdcare costs mean I bring home less than I earn part time which means we dont have enough money to pay the bills especially of he took a 8-10k paycut too!

But getting him off nights is the long term goal if we dont find a different reason for him still being more tired than I would consider normal.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:30

estrogone · 08/02/2026 01:17

Not defending your partner - he needs a kick up the arse if you want any hope of avoiding future psychotherapy bills. You need to lay it on the line - but you don't need us to tell you that.

I do find it interesting that you refer to your child as 'my son' not 'our' son. Makes me wonder if there is another dynamic at work, on top slack-arse fatherdom.

My son is just a habit of me saying. I used tonsay my dog or my car (even though the car is actually my partners)

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whatsit84 · 08/02/2026 08:29

My own DH has always been very invested, but I see men who don’t seem to be that engaged with smaller children and have pulled it back somewhat when they were older. How about drawing on a big sheet of paper together, taking DC along on errands to the shops etc, ‘helping’ with household tasks? Mine are 7 and 9 and I’m not brilliant at unstructured type play, but manage it for their sake.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:28

Thalia31 · 08/02/2026 01:11

Can I ask what possessed you to have another child????

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Because thats what we wanted. Things were a bit better around the time I got pregnant with DC2 and I wanted a reasonably close age gap.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:27

hannonle · 08/02/2026 00:21

Your partner has you to model his behaviour against. In the last 2 years he's not picked up on any of your methods/behaviour? That's weird and makes him sound disinterested.
He'll find it hard doing the parenting when you're recovering if he's never done a bedtime or solo care before. Your child will want the comfort of mummy and that will be difficult for him to suddenly lose along with losing attention to a new sibling.

My intention is to continue with bedtime and naptime after c section. We have a routine that works and I dont want to risk ruining it.

He was very depressed and hadnt had his sleep apnea diagnosis in DS first year of life so he didnt learn anything that year, he was surviving.

He has improved a lot in the last year compared to the first. I think he just needs more practice and for me to be less hovering!

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:21

CypressGrove · 08/02/2026 00:11

It's quite a small life for your children though if you don't have a social life - just seeing their parents interact with their various friends and learning more about different people, jobs and interests broadens their world. Do you have a large close family? Will you make an effort to build a circle when they are start school for playmates etc? The days of chucking kids out the front door to play with neighbours has pretty much gone so parents do have to help these days.

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People are talking about me having a social life and hobbies outside of my kids. I'm not sure what benefit that has for my kids?

No I don't have a large close family. I have siblings but I dont really see them. I have my dad I try to see once a week or fortnightly for a few hours. My mother takes my son out every 2 weeks but this will be changing to once a month. Thats about it for my family.

I wont diacourage my kids from having friends and I know they will end up going to birthday parties etc and possibly wanting friends over. I will allow all that but not sure about creating a circle. I will involve myself where needed.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:15

Cherrytree86 · 08/02/2026 00:10

@Karma1387

you must realise that it’s incredibly unusual for both you and your partner to have no friends. I mean what if you split up? What about when your kids grow up and don’t need you so much as they have their own lives? You need to create a life for yourself outside of your partner and kids- for your own sake

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I'm not sure I view it as unusual neither of us really have friends. I was never going to be attracted to a auoer social person as I'm not social.

I didn't have friends pre my relationship or kids so why would I suddenly need them if we separated?

I wouldn't even know were to start to find a hobby that I actually enjoyed which didn't involve other people.

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WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 07:51

I think if the parent-child relationship is going to endure beyond the stage where the child needs looking after it helps a lot when the parent has something else in their life to give them a personality beyond being a parent.

I've always connected better with family members that have some sort of hobby or interest, doesn't have to be an interest that I share but I think it's hard to connect with someone that doesn't have this. I don't think you should force yourself but longer term I'd be questioning what's keeping you this way as it's not healthy.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 07:38

Cherrytree86 · 08/02/2026 00:05

@Willowywisp so parents shouldn’t have any interests or hobbies outside of their children?? Yeah, no. I couldn’t cope with that. There’s more to me than that.

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I think its more if they have hobbies then yeah amazing try to continue post kids. But some suggestions have made it sound like I should pretend to have hobbies or force myself to have hobbies otherwise I'm nod 'modelling well' for them.

OP posts:

GreenGodiva · 08/02/2026 07:19

Has he actually checked his cpap app to see what hood scores and events are like? If my score is low due to illness or insomnia etc I really struggle to interact and function. It’s not just monitoring the app but also the machine is set to his weight and neck size from a whole year ago….. could he have gained weight? Lost weight? If hood score is low through non compliance /removing/not using the cpap or if his weight has altered by more than a few lb then this can all affect it. Weight changes often need a pressure change and if is more than a stone often a new sleep study. If it’s a resmed machine go to the MyAir app on his phone, total score and look at that. Mine is per much always above 95% and you want AHI/events to be below 4-5 per hour to be classed as compliant.

as somebody who has severe sleep apnea I can’t even imagine trying to juggle the cpap and working nights at the same time. It would absolutely destroy me no doubt.

JG24 · 08/02/2026 07:02

notatinydancer · 06/02/2026 18:15

were you given time to ‘learn it ‘ ? No.

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I think you do have to learn to play.
Playing pretend games, doing crafts and making up games comes fairly easily to me and my partner but we both had parents that did the same. So we did get taught how to do it.
When I'm pretending to shop a dragon out for under the table I remind myself of my dad.
We've got friends who honestly don't know how to play, some might be good at specific thing like crafts or building Leg but pretend games in particular you need to learn I think.

axolotlfloof · 08/02/2026 06:51

Encourage him to take your son out more.
It's harder to nor be engaged then.
Many men prefer children to babies so it will also probably improve with time.

sparrowhawkhere · 08/02/2026 06:43

A few things
You said he was too big for a play centre, is he very overweight and that’s why he’s so exhausted?

You need to get him more involved in practical tasks with your son because if you’re kept in longer than you think it’ll be a shock for your son

Call him ‘our son’ the fact you call him ‘my son’ even when talking about your partner adds to how separate you sound as parents. He’s not going to feel involved if you keep saying ‘my son’

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 06:36

I think the having a life outside kids becomes more important when kids are older which is why I wouldn't be worried now. Little kids just need love and attention. It's when they get older that they benefit more from this sort of thing.