DP just isn't interested in DS

@Karma1387

“They just made me feel stressed and run down.”

they shouldn’t make you feel like that - how many were you doing?? Maybe start off going like once a week and building it up so you don’t get overwhelmed

I actually have a ton of interests but I also dreaded going to playgroups because of this super dull superficial chitchat.

but I managed to find some friends with whom I feel at ease and not unnatural and we enjoy our conversations beyond the kids. It also helps practicing the skills necessary for school where you’d have to interact with parents if you want play dates for your child and some parents can be dull as F (and I’m sure they think the same about me, I don’t mind!) But our kids are friends sooo…. I can be nice and polite

OP do you have friends at all or you are not particularly interested in friendship either?

@Karma1387

yeah ok it’s an obligation. Exercise…Something we all need to do including you and your husband, especially him if he’s overweight. So make time for yourselves and go! You never know you might discover weight lifting or particular classes etc that you do enjoy! You can’t really say you don’t enjoy stuff if you don’t actually try them. Your body and mind this stuff OP, being a mummy isn’t enough.

@Karma1387

lots of people don’t really enjoy the gym but they still go regularly. Becuase exercise is crucial. So they still go. It’s not all about whether you enjoy it, it’s about what your body and mind need.

@WhatNoRaisins

its not all about whether it benefits the kids. It would benefit OP and that’s important too. It’s not healthy to have no life, interests, friends etc beyond your children however old they are

I'm sorry if this sounds unkind but most people struggle to connect with or spend time with adults that don't have any interests or visible personality. You see this quite frequently on threads about elderly parents.

Do you go to any toddler groups or classes? If your kids are your only interest you may find other parents make valuable friends. Build your village, and this also creates friends for your DC. My DD9’s best friend has been her friend since toddler group, and her mum became one of my BFFs too. It means it’s no bother to arrange stuff for the two of them as we are happy to hang out too. Also means we can rely on each other when we need lifts/childcare/anything really.

i have massive social anxiety so I find all that stuff hard and it seems really high risk. But it is high reward too, and your kids will need you to help build their circle in the early years. Not least because then you can happily let them go to play dates as you know the parents well.

@Karma1387 I found my partner has come into his element now our son is 3 and can interact more. But he did really try and thinks of activities for them to do. Play doh is a big winner over here along with magnatiles.

But honestly you sound like you need to let go a bit. Referring to him as your son, you have to do bedtimes, nap times, putting him in the car. What if you are in hospital again for a period of time? Or even the one night you would stay for a c section? Perhaps your partner finds it hard to understand where he fits in. I could imagine if he was playing or doing something in his way, you might tell him how to do it. Everyone parents differently and it sounds like you make lots of excuses for him, but you don’t like that he doesn’t parent the same as you and your dad.

That sounds great.

But do you think he gives him enough attention? Does he ever seek the child out? Or does he just react lovingly when the child seeks him out?

If he’s on his phone a lot it makes it hard to be present.

Your poor husband sounds like he’s in a terrible state and there may well be lots that he’s not capable of. But the most important thing is that the child knows his father values him and seeks out his company. And is kind to him and involved in his life. When the child is grown, he will be able to forgive all the rest, but that is what will affect his self-esteem.

A quiet life is totally fine if that’s how things end up. A cold, distant father is not.

But don't you want them to spend time with you as adults beyond duty visits? Don't you want to encourage them to have their own meaningful lives? I'm sorry but children really do benefit from modelling by their parents and they have one that just sleeps most of the time and one that doesn't seem to want to do anything.

Do you think that you could be depressed yourself?

I picked up on this and was going to say the same

it’s always my som

its our son

start making changes now if able to. Let partner put son to bed if fits in with working nights

letting a toddler control
you and what you do isn’t good

ie with the car seats. No mummy is staying in house. Daddy is putting you in the car

will you go back to work after ml?

you aren’t getting married till a date is set - which it isn’t if you say getting married this year or next so book a date

And partner look for a day time job

My own DH has always been very invested, but I see men who don’t seem to be that engaged with smaller children and have pulled it back somewhat when they were older. How about drawing on a big sheet of paper together, taking DC along on errands to the shops etc, ‘helping’ with household tasks? Mine are 7 and 9 and I’m not brilliant at unstructured type play, but manage it for their sake.

I think if the parent-child relationship is going to endure beyond the stage where the child needs looking after it helps a lot when the parent has something else in their life to give them a personality beyond being a parent.

I've always connected better with family members that have some sort of hobby or interest, doesn't have to be an interest that I share but I think it's hard to connect with someone that doesn't have this. I don't think you should force yourself but longer term I'd be questioning what's keeping you this way as it's not healthy.