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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

544 replies

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 15:06

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
bellysgoneandgotme · 06/02/2026 22:38

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Laura95167 · 06/02/2026 22:38

Its one thing for him to not correct his parents sexist assumptions. Its another to outright lie, amd degrade you to make him feel better about himself. Its a nasty, small man who can only better himself by humiliating others. Worse when its his own wife.

I like your FiL. I suspect he knows exactly who his son is. Im proud of you too

Cordeliasdemonbabies · 06/02/2026 22:31

I think this needs to be a defining moment for your marriage. If he digs his heels in, I'd be done. If he accepts he had been behaving poorly and agrees to counselling, then I would explore whether it can be fixed.

If ge treats you with contempt, then the marriage is doomed regardless.

TicTac80 · 06/02/2026 22:29

YANBU!! I would have wiped the floor with him ages before. I think you're a saint to have put up with it. How dare he treat you like that. XH tried similar BS once. He made some dickish comment to his parents about me needing a man to be able to do practical day-to-day stuff. I was the fucking breadwinner (and no, I didn't need a man for that)!

I don't understand why he's not singing your praises for being so successful with your career. My sister earns a huge amount more than my BIL, he's so proud of her, and he'd never disrespect her like your husband did to you. I'd leave him to it. Hopefully his parents won't fall for anymore of his crap!

ednaclouda · 06/02/2026 22:25

UncannyFanny · 06/02/2026 15:21

Next time they come round you’ll have to ask your DH in front of them when he’s going to get himself a ‘little job’ to help you out a bit.

@JoanJettsBlackheads Proud of you darling and well done FIL

OtterlyAstounding · 06/02/2026 22:24

YABU for staying married to an insecure, nasty man who humiliates and demeans you in front of his parents. Does he have a vibrating cock? Because I can't see any other reason you wouldn't have left the prick years ago.

MungoforPresident · 06/02/2026 22:14

What a condescending jerk. He owes you big time, an apology in front of his parents and for all the times he has put you down. But the great thing is the cat's out of the bag.

I hope that father-in-law appraises his wife of the fact that your earnings were true, and that he doesn't also say 'ah, she was just having a little strop, bless her.'

RottenBanana · 06/02/2026 22:07

So how did this evening's chat go?

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2026 22:00

@JoanJettsBlackheads

Good on you! I bet you wish you'd done it ages ago.

I think I'd just let him stew. After all, what is there really to talk about. He spewed his shit, you tore him a new one, in front of his parents no less! If that doesn't get through to him nothing will.

TBH I don't think I'd bother getting into a big discussion. I'd just tell him "There is nothing to talk about and no justification for what you said about me. But hear this, I will call you out in front of God and everybody if you ever pull this shit again. After all, if you don't care about humiliating me why should I care about humiliating you?".

MinecraftMum40 · 06/02/2026 21:47

Bloody good on you for saying why you said. Do not tolerate ANYONE belittling you like this. You have obviously worked hard for your high paying career and he’s obviously jealous and threatened by it. Do not apologise. He needs to and he needs to grow up. It’s lovely what his dad said to you!

honeyrider · 06/02/2026 21:42

I wouldn't be surprised if his parents well his dad anyway are concerned he may be abusing you.

Willowywisp · 06/02/2026 21:39

He's a bullying prick, belittling you like that. Just leave the fucker and have a nice life on your own. Fuck him!

DeepRubySwan · 06/02/2026 21:34

What an absolute dickhead. 'not very bright?' wow.

apeaceful2026 · 06/02/2026 21:32

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 15:56

I didn’t mention it before because it was just the odd little dig. He’s never just gone on and on like he did this time. I’ve messaged him and suggested that we have a talk this evening. If he’s still refusing to speak to me, he can go to the house in the country (that he hates) and do something productive there, like strip the walls.

Don't message him again. It's his job to come forward and apologise, not your job to smooth things over :)

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 21:26

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I’m sorry. There was genuinely no intention to mislead. I’ve been on here for over 20 years and name change regularly since being outed a few years ago. Obviously it’s up to you what you believe, but this is true, and I should have picked another username.

OP posts:
Upstartled · 06/02/2026 21:13

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ruethewhirl · 06/02/2026 21:11

God OP, how have you been tolerating this up till now? I'm surprised you didn't snap sooner. YA most definitely NBU!

thestudio · 06/02/2026 21:09

Ragamuffin8 · 06/02/2026 20:52

No, the dynamics would be different if it was “always” the case of out-earning versus past 10 years.

Yes I know, but it would be a reasonable shorthand wouldn't it?
Unless you get yer kicks from narrowing your eyes at all posts and looking for signs of fakery, in which case, why are you here?

Lavender14 · 06/02/2026 21:04

"But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

This is abusive. And I'd be naming it with him directly and explicitly. And then (given that it sounds like his parents have actually created this toxicity) I'd be giving him one last ditch attempt to cut it out permanently or I would taking my excellent salary and leaving him and his fragile ego in the dust. He needs to man up.

kombuchabucha · 06/02/2026 21:03

Was there alcohol involved that night? And if so does he only behave like this when he's had a drink / does he always have a drink when you are with his parents?

Alcohol brings out the worst in some, and also turns some people into elaborate story tellers (e.g. the lie about the taxi).

Either way, what he has been doing is outrageous and I am amazed you've only just snapped.

If alcoholic has been involved it might be best to wait until tomorrow to talk about it together.

As others have said, what a shame he can't just be proud of you for how well you've done. Is he at the same company as you? Have you been in direct competition before for roles?

Sorry if others have asked these Qs, I have only read the first page and all your replies OP!

Zov · 06/02/2026 20:59

Oh. Confused

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 06/02/2026 20:59

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 19:22

No. The previous post re civil service was for my cousin. I told her I would post for her on here. I didn’t want to post this under my usual user name so just picked this at random from some previous names. No intention to mislead at all, and I probably should have chosen a new one.

uh huh.

PeachySmile2 · 06/02/2026 20:58

Does he belittle you that often? Both in front of
others and alone? If so, how on earth have you gone this long without snapping? Sounds like he has little man syndrome from his little salary!

WimbyAce · 06/02/2026 20:56

Good for you OP, surprised it has taken you this long!

Ragamuffin8 · 06/02/2026 20:52

thestudio · 06/02/2026 20:34

I think if you're, say 38-45, ten years probably does feel like 'always'.

No, the dynamics would be different if it was “always” the case of out-earning versus past 10 years.