To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

@JoanJettsBlackheads

Good for you!

Totally understand how your tolerance, fuse, just ran out! You’ve expressed previously not liking it when it was lower scale, now he ramped it up and took it too far. He found your boundary!

Can’t believe someone people! Who cares if you’ve posted before about a different job, or for someone else. It’s an anonymous forum… 🙄 Or if you have a second home in Sussex. Sorry for your loss.

I’d take some reflection time to work out what he is adding to your life, what other, if any other ways he albeit subtly, abuses you, treats you badly?

The kids are grown and flown, your financially secure by the sounds of it.

I’d be tempted to talk to the in-laws though, get their sense of it. Or at least FiL.

Don’t rush, give him plenty of reflection time too!

Seek legal advice, maybe consider couples counselling, but yeah, if he’s abusive, not always wise. Separate therapy may be wiser. But he has to be able to accept and acknowledge what he does and that it’s not ok.

Good luck!!

That is hideous sexism. I don’t think I could put up with that. I’d be divorced in six months. How DARE he

OP - that sounds infuriating and frankly good for you for standing up for yourself even if not in the most graceful way. People usually pick up their underlying values from their parents and his Dad sounds like a good guy, so hopefully he will work out that he was the one being the insecure asshole with time / chatting to his parents.

Although I agree with you, I think I’d have nipped it in the bud long ago and not snapped during the parents’ visit. Your husband needs to get a grip…. but you need to control the narrative when it comes to how he treats you, especially in front of other people.

You're just making shit up now.

If she was constantly "slamming it in his face" she'd have spoken up to her in-laws long before now then!

As for him loving her to bits - you don't treat someone you love the way he treats her. That's the evidence for him not even liking her, never mind loving her - the way he treats her.

This isn't a frigging court where all sides of a story have to be considered, it's a chat forum where we've only ever got one side of the story. If you think she's making the whole post up then don't engage with it, troll hunting is against the rules.

@FlyingCatGirl plenty of "not normal" things become normal when you're being emotionally abused over a long period of time, like has happened to OP.

A snap isn't humiliation or belittling. OP spoke only the truth and defended herself from him calling her stupid. That's not "playing his game".

The "audience" as you put it wasn't there as an audience, it was relevant information for them because they were the ones he'd been lying to for years. So why shouldn't they hear it. Why should she downplay what he's been doing. She wasn't saying it to get revenge, but to put the truth out there.

You said you'd say something like "I'm not sure that's true" etc, which is just accepting his bullshit and going along with it, because if you were her in that scenario you'd know damned well what he's saying was an outright lie and that there's no "not sure" about it.

You're so obviously one of those don't air your dirty linen in public type people - that's the mentality abusers use to hide their abuse. OP has been put down by this arse of a husband for years, exposing it to the people he's been lying to was 100% the right thing to do. Abuse thrives on secrecy, getting it out into the open is an important step in dealing with it.

Well done you have every right to stand up for yourself and call out his bs. Why shouldn't you when he's being disrespectful and insulting you xx

LTB 🫡🖕🏾👌

Have you personally spoke to the OPs husband and had him confirm to you that he doesn't like her? It's a strong and hurtful thing for you to say when for all you know he may love her to bits. I wouldn't necessarily trust the OPs side of the story, why has she never bothered to mention what she does for a living to her in-laws, that doesn't ring too true to me! People don't live in that sort of secrecy from their in laws and let them think "they have a little job" For all you know the OP might be constantly slamming it in his face as to how much she earns and putting him down.

I would not stand for that treatment. Yanbu. His dad is correct, and probably knows his son acts the big man. I couldn't live a husband like that, he will drag you down your whole life. Dont waste your time with him. You only live once, make sure you are happy. Ditch him!

I’d ask him if it would be ok the other way around, if he was the higher earner and you ‘jokingly’ kept it a secret and put him down in front of family !

His parents probably already know he’s full of shit anyway, but good on you for calling it out, I don’t know how you’ve lasted this long being honest! So insecure of him to put you down like this, he should be proud of you like his dad is! Fuck him, let him sulk, he probably feels like the idiot he is right now.

👏

Absolutely this is abusive.
To belittle you in public, banking on you not wanting to cause a fuss.
The children have left home.
I find it unbelievable that they have borne witness to the petty fathers spectacular disrespect of their successful mother.

OP, have you a daughter?
Is this really what you would want for her.
I have daughters and if I ever heard any man disrespect them in MY hearing, I wouldn't remain silent.
Likewise if either of my boys disrespected their wife like that, they would certainly hear about it from us both.

The arrogance of him to get huffy at you snapping at his appalling humiliation and disrespect of you.

He sounds like covert narcissist.

No, I wouldn't have continued to accept it; I just, ideally, wouldn't have chosen to deal with it with an audience to hear something I knew was playing the same belittling game.

I understand why she snapped - but it WAS a snap.

If this is a constant in your relationship it sounds like emotional abuse. My ex used to tell me I was useless and put me down privately and in public - hence the ‘ex’.

She stood up to him. Subtle difference, but an important one. If he felt humiliated that's because of his own actions and his own insecurities.

All OP did was speak the truth, she didn't humiliate him. There's nothing wrong with her earning 5x what he does or telling people this. Nobody should find that humiliating. People's earning power has no relevance to their importance as a person, not for anyone who believes in equality.

He, on the other hand, did deliberately set out to humiliate her, with his constant put downs, belittling and lies.

Those nasty lies of his about how OP is supposedly clumsy and dim but "has other attributes" said in a patronising manner, sounds very much like him insinuating that she's utterly useless but he keeps her around because she's good in bed or because she's pretty or some other male-focussed nonsense.

No way does she owe him perfect manners or polite correction after a comment like that.

The fact you'd have continued to accept it, mildly challenging only the lies and not the behaviour underlying them, doesn't mean OP had to. She did nothing wrong.

Kids grown and flown.

What does cray, cray mean please? Crazy?

OP means work for money. I think you know that.

Money is a metric everyone understands. You can do the ‘You’re a bit thick and clumsy’, ‘No I’m not’ till the cows come home. It’s not measurable. Money is measurable and provable.

Your DH’s attitude stinks OP. I wonder why, even if you didn’t out earn him, he would think that it would be acceptable to put you down in front of company. It’s horrible behaviour. If you have DDs, would he accept this in one of their partners? Maybe he feels as if he can’t impress his dad on his own terms, but what you do should be irrelevant to that unless he is a massive misogynist - he has a lot of reflecting to do.

It sounds as if you are both of an age at which you could either separate and live separately and comfortably or at which you could really enjoy the affluence you have both worked for and think about the circumstances you want to retire in and what dreams you have together. Maybe, if you do want to stay together, you need counselling to work out what you’re now working towards as a couple. You can’t be two competing individuals (his view if this is about being a sore loser?) and a team working towards a shared goal.

What a pathetic little man. Do you really want to be with someone who behaves that way?