Disappointed with dh parenting

I feel the same about my DH parenting. And we have three. He's looked after them for years but he treats everything as a confrontation. Just lectures and yelling and threats. Also does absolutely heaps with them, teaches them amazing skills. I just don't know why we have to have this drill sergeant attitude. As if they're serfs.

THIS!!

@froglet45 I absolutely would not stand for this - my DH would be getting the riot act. He doesn't get to choose to opt out. His interaction with her is shaping her world, her childhood memories and her relationship with a key parent. There are lots of times where parenting is unrelenting, boring or difficult. Tough shit, you brought them into the world, you get on with it. He needs an absolute reality check and his arse handing to him - she will pick up on his resentment of her and then what?

You can't excuse shitty parenting with his age. He chose to have a child he can choose to step up and take responsibility.

It’s not his age it’s his attitude that’s the problem.

If he doesn’t like soft play why doesn’t he take her swimming or teach her to ride a bike or show her round a classic car museum or build an amazing Lego tower with her?

if bathtime is boring why doesn’t he download some music to play or read her a story in the bath?

What a huge shame he is missing out on helping his little girl enjoy time with her dad. I doted on my dad - he taught me how to saw planks, how to listen to classical music, and how to enjoy historical houses and watching cricket. Things HE loved so he could pass on his passions to me. I treasure the memories of my time with my dad.

Sorry, but you chose man who is a crap father. Age has nothing to do with it. He won't change. Make your choice.

I hate soft play too. I also admittedly sometimes have days and evenings when I'm so knackered/overstimulated with work and life stuff, admin and stress that parenting feels uber hard (but to be fair so does everything else, just shattered and want a duvet day and to be left alone). I'm the main earner too and work long, after DC goes to bed regularly.

I would say discuss with your DH what he may want to do with DD that perhaps isn't all about kids play. For example, DC and I cook together, tidy up, go to the shops. We read together a lot. We talk about stuff, they are wicked at this age (same as mine). I think he needs to find their common groove IYSWIM. Tbh I only like to play with Lego, maybe do a puzzle. The rest I try to set up for DC and leave them to it, I find it boring. But my DH is the opposite, so he can focus on that, whereas my niche is doing more practical activities with DC.

It sounds like he's competent enough with things like bath and bedtime. But perhaps not in a regular routine of doing the mundane stuff?

For your 2 night break maybe you could gently suggest some things he might enjoy doing with her? My DH likes trains and has taken the DC to various train based days out. I like walks and country parks and the beach and try to get outside whenever I've got a day with DS. I also give myself a break by putting a film on for him or not cooking and eating out/getting takeaway. I will spend time with family too if I can, it always makes my children happy and it's nice to have another adult to talk to.

Well yes there are a lot of negative options .. weaponised incompetence, resentment at being left with ‘your responsibilities’, lack of interest in his child

You could rush to support him as many women would do with ideas and lists and organising his mother to ‘help him’ aka do it for him but the interesting thing would be to ask him how it went for him and how he’d like it to go in future. If the response is a lot of complaints about your child or you then it’s another negative for the list 🤷‍♀️

But it could be he has no idea, was having a bad day or simply isn’t good with this age group - even so he needs to do better.

Presumably he can google how to entertain a small child, can keep her suitably fed and watered and knows how to watch a Disney film, jump in puddles or open a draw to find the colouring books. If he wants it to go better he will do the planing won’t he and that needs to be the outcome of the conversation. Tell him he needs more practice if you think Dd would like that or arrange a babysitter so you know she is well cared for.

He needs to find something he enjoys doing and take DD along. DP loves being out walking so DD goes along. Recently he's taken up photography and DD now has a camera too, it's a big bonding thing with them. He really really struggled, especially pre age 8, I started working then and he had to get on with it. I did everything before then, he's a lot better now and a really present father to both the kids. So yeah, find something he enjoys, take DD, make the most of it before she's a teenager and no longer wishes for his company.

The problem is that OP has to deal with her situation as it is, rather than how others would like it to be. Given what we know, a bit of coaching for her DH doesn't seem like a particularly outrageous suggestion.

It's also not as simple as men learning too. I used to take my DD to a weekly baby massage session, which would usually be followed by coffee and a themed discussion about something or another. Weaning is the one I particularly recall because I wanted to be part of the discussion, but was asked to leave because one mum wanted to breastfeed without men present.

I know other Dads whose wives never think to share communications about their children sent directly to mothers only, and then come over all exercised with self-righteous indignation when said husband is expected to action something but doesn't know anything about it.

how is he with his older child? Could it be that he finds it easier with the child when they are older and more independent? My h was like this when ours were small, he was absolutely useless and away with work more than home. Now that they’re older he’s turned into super dad. It annoys me because I felt like a single parent most of the time when the kids were younger

I think you’re going to have to specifically tell him ‘whilst i’m out can you get the play doh out’ or set up an activity for her in advance if he’s totally useless but that isn’t going to help much with a 2 day trip.
I don’t think it’s age tbh because my brother in law is in his late 50’s with a 5 year old and he dropped to part time hours to care for her. Whilst she was at home they did forest school, ballet, tap, park, swimming and now she’s at school they do baking etc when she gets home as well as some after school activities.
I think your DH didn’t envisage how much energy, time etc a small person needs and liked the idea of children but thought he would still be able to please himself.
My DH has a single best friend who is in his 40’s who says he’s desperate to have children but is equally surprised when we say how much time a child’s hobby takes, or how little they sleep and how much things cost and says it sounds like a nightmare! He loves holding a baby that’s asleep and smelling gorgeous, I should think a precocious lively 4 year old would finish him off and I suspect your DH is similar, the reality of children is rather different to an imagined version.
If he’s short tempered etc with his daughter then she will pick up on this, I can’t imagine he’s much fun to be around….
I would be questioning how it’s possible to stay together long term without negativity impacting her and resenting him
for his lack of parenting.

Oh no, you're right, a full time worker shouldn't possibly have to parent a child they asked for, created and are responsible for.

This!

I don’t particularly love a trip to the soft play but when the weather is rubbish, like today, we’ve spent 2 hours in the soft play and now DD is quite happily sat doing some drawing. If we’d stayed in the house all morning she’d be half way to crazy by now😂

Meant to quote the parenting 101 puppet show.

My husband was feeling under the weather recently and moaned about going to a play village.

I had to point out to him that our son happily plays by himself and with other children in a play village and would be a nightmare cooped up at home, far more work. As it was, we sat up and had a drink whilst he played an just took turns helping him every so often.

100%

😂😂😂

LOL here! Thanks for that, as I was sat here pinching myself, thinking I must have inadvertently walked through a portal to the 1950s on my lunch break!

£100 says he has absolutely no problems learning things he needs to do for his job or his hobby, can google, plan, execute, troubleshoot, flex and succeed in areas of interest to him or that serve his needs… anyone wanna bet? 💴

It's not the same as he's her df and should know what dd's routine etc is like but I recently looked after my gd who's almost 2 and I found it helpful for my dd to write out a rough schedule.

Christ alive… read to them both with puppets - “this is how you parent, chapter 1…”

You married a traditional, old-fashioned man. You either accept it or leave him and be a single mom again.

This is weponised incompetence.
He may need help and instruction but he can find a whole heap of this out there without expecting his partner to instruct him on the very basics of being a parent. He has no interest in being a great childminder to his child so I he is putting in zero effort.
My approach to this tends to be scorched earth so maybe I’m not going to give balanced advice.

Is this for him or the child? Jeeeeeeez

Unless he is intellectually challenged (or a lazy, selfish misogynist), surely he can work this out for himself?

Does he need such explicit instructions at work, I wonder? Or to pay bills? Do DIY? Look after the garden?