Disappointed with dh parenting

Anything that is vastly different from one's normal routine can be exhausting. Try sitting in the back of a car for 12 hours if you've never done it before.

Oh dear! I have obviously touched a nerve here about age , apologies. Are you older yourself?
There are plenty grandparents in their 50s ,(50% off women are grandmother's in their 50s) that doesn't negate there are older ones too of course .
You seem to live in your world, insisting it is a certain way merely because you say so
I love your scenario that looking after a 4 year old doesn't deplete energy levels...OK if you say so!!! 4 year olds have boundless energy and you can't just sit them in front of tv, play dough etc as you seem to do.
Anyway I'll retreat as I've obviously really riled you. Have a chill out Sunday...🙂

You have very strange expectations of family.

Early 50s, to be a grandparent you're looking at 25 max for both them and their children to have had children. Younger for him to have had a 4 year old grandchild, so more like 23 each.

That might have been more normal a couple of generations ago, but the average age of a first time mother is over 30 now, so actually, being a grandparent to a 4 year old in your early 50s is increasingly rare.

This man chose this. He has to parent. Many people are parenting pre-schoolers in their late 40s, early 50s as it's also not uncommon for men to be older than women in relationships, and women are having babies later.

Aside from all of that, this OP isn't about his energy levels. It's about his inability to set up an activity for a child. I have a 4 year old. If I put the play doh or painting stuff on the table, she'll do it and I only really need to watch. And clear up. She'll watch something she enjoys on the TV. She will play dolls/teddies/bluey/insert figures of choice here. I might need to interact a bit for that but I can do it from the sofa. He's not in the bit where a child constantly needs watching and can't play independently. He just needs to switch his brain on. And OP wasn't even talking about a work day. It was a day off.

Please both learn to read and come into the modern world. It's nice.

And stop pretending that someone who is old enough to be a grandfather can parent with the same energy as a younger man

Nope.

My DH is late 40s and our DD is the same age. From what OP has said there is like only 4/5 years between my DH and hers.

I have friends who are older with kids this age. We see this pattern in SO MANY men regardless of age.

Stop apologising for rubbish men. Expect better.

He's obviously struggling due to his age.

And yet OP works too, so by your logic who is supposed to look after their child after work?

Why shouldn't he parent his child after work? He wanted to be a dad.

This

How can a man not have the initiative to get play doh out? I bet he’s got plenty of initiative at work! It’s called weaponised incompetency.

He just can’t be arsed and doesn’t think it’s his problem.

What are his attributes? What do you adore about him? Why do you love him? Is he fantastic company, does he make you smile? Do you get a flutter of joy every time he comes through the door?
I get no sense of any positive feelings for him other than he earns a lot of money and you don’t want to break your family up. How does he feel? Have your feelings for one another changed since this child? Maybe you need to try counselling? As it stands I can’t see any reason for him to stay, that does not mean he is not the issue but he already seems to be distancing himself from you and your child.

Just leave them to it, yes they are both stressed when you get home but its not the end of the world, i expect some days you are stressed out particularly if dd has been a nightmare, and he is not used to dealing with a little one all day, by himself.
i think you need to just bite the bullet and do your wedding thing, its not like he isn’t looking after her- shes fed, warm, clean, in bed on time etc most 4 year olds can occupy themselves if hes not particularly into playing games- my OH hates any paint/ playdoh games but will still play along with dd- if she passes him a doll he will rock it n burp it etc, will get down on floor and build blocks but doesn’t instigate play time with her.
i had to spend 2 nights away couple years ago and left OH with 4 kids by himself for the first time- they managed.

If he's not willing to play with his child, maybe he shouldn't have ASKED to have a child?

Aside from the fact that you've decided she's making him work all day then parent all evening while she does nothing, and what she's actually saying is that if he's OFF WORK and she's out, he doesn't cope well, dad's and working parents are STILL PARENTS.

Today I've been off work and had DD at home. DH (late 40s, just to be clear, so there's a comparison) has come in from a full day at work and immediately started playing with DD while I cooked dinner, then took her for a walk with the dog while I washed up. Because he's an involved parent.

On Wednesday I had to go to London for work. He started late to drop her at nursery (usually my job) and picked her up on his way home after a full day and started dinner so that when I got home we were in our normal position. Because he's an involved parent.

I can leave him looking after DD at any point, for any reason, because he is as much her parent as I am. And all dad's SHOULD be.

OP what did you think would happen if after 4 years you had done everything? Honestly the amount of posts I read about women martyring themselves then being surprised their husbands are shit dads.

Book something then become ‘unavailable’ and let them go and do whatever was planned. Sounds like he actually doesn’t have a bond with his child. This is a difficult age with tantrums (I found 4 probably the hardest). It’s short term and be just needs to get over it and realise they won’t be this little ever again.

And what was he expecting, do you think, @tirednessbecomesme ?

Yes, it's knackering. It is thankless, time-consuming, often boring.

But as a parent you step up and do your fucking job!

playing with 4 year olds IS tedious especially all day

not sure what you were expecting when he puts a full shift in with work and then expected to come home and get the play doh out when many men his age are becoming grandparents

Well, since you asked I had done all the reading about weaning but had never had the opportunity to ask questions and talk it through with people who had actual experience of it. And when I tried to take up that opportunity I was pushed away for no other reason than being a man. I became inured to it very quickly, but for other fathers only occasionally involved in things like that, when they keep getting pushed away they eventually get the message.

The communications to which I was referring are things like letters from health visitors, from the school, from the GP - all things which in my case I have repeatedly asked them to send to me directly until I am blue in the face because I am the only one who is going to respond, but they still insist on sending to the mother only. Fortunately my wife just passes everything to me, but I know full well that many don't and I know equally well that there are some wives who actively keep such things from their husbands, in exactly the same way as a man might opt out of sharing info about, say, finances.

Parenting resources only ever went to me, because I signed up to them.

I have raised two DCs while my wife pursued her Very Important Career and often went days at a time without seeing them awake. I don't know where you get that I'm blaming women for lacking anything in my parenting toolkit. I'm merely pointing out that there are a multitude of reasons why some fathers are unable to play an equal role in parenthood, and a big part of it is that parenthood is sometimes very mother-centric in a way that isn't obvious from the outside until you're trying to get in.

Your husband isn’t a parent he’s a sperm doner! You literally do all the parenting for your child so if he left they wouldn’t notice!

@froglet45 he doesn't want to do it. He clearly didn't realise what having a child involved and doesn't like it now he has one. If he doesn't want to do a fair share of childcare and is bad at in anyway he needs to do much more of the grunt work for the household to balance things out. But if he's a grumpy git now he will probably only get worse unfortunately.

This is true, and the slow changes of male hormones are not often acknowledged/talked about/frequently ridiculed, BUT it DOESN'T turn you into a poor father. In this case, I suspect that has always been there.

Shit parents of all ages exist so I’ll try not to blame his age too much but I don’t think it’s irrelevant either. He’s lived the vast majority of his life- well into middle age without responsibilities so it must be difficult to suddenly have a child. Kids are testing, he’s getting on a bit and is probably knackered. Honestly couldn’t imagine anything worse than becoming a parent for the first time in my late 40s.

That aside, maybe suggest parenting courses. He clearly needs some support but that onus shouldn’t be on you since you do pretty much everything as it is.

Well stop doing everything for her and get him to step up.

He does a set amount of bath and bed times
Cooking for you all
She will get used to him around and be better

He is using weaponised incompetence to not do anything