Seeing MIL ‘halfway’

Utterly selfish and miserable to take children getting over illness out in such circumstances.
Tell your husband you are not going with the baby and he can take the toddler.
Tell him you don't want to discuss it.

Agree to meet her somewhere that’s 1hr from you and 2hrs from her.

Saw your update. A compromise is to let him take the toddler to see her. He can't argue that is a fair compromise, and while it sounds like that is not what the MIL wants, MIL needs to learn that being a grandparent is a gift not a given and if she wants a relationship with her grandkids, she will have to sometimes inconvenience herself rather than expect the parents with two young children to inconvenience themselves and disrupt a baby's feeding or routine.

Given that she prefers a baby who sits quietly on her lap rather than engaging with a toddler, it sounds like she is not exactly willing to go the extra mile (literally) to form that bond. If she really wanted to be with those kids, she would come to you, and wouldn't be turned off by the lack of scenery because that wouldn't be her priority.

Let your husband take the kids and meet her half way. That's the only way for them to both see the trouble. Trust me, it will never come up again.

I'd shrug and just get used to being the baddie. Life's too short. She'll get used to not having her own way and you can be more flexible in the good weather. Much easier to potter around a beach with small children while a dog is walked.

She may come into her own as the children get older and are capable of a) keeping up and b) more interesting conversation.

One thing to consider which used to work for us was to leave at bedtime on a Friday night, lift the kids out into beds at the other end and go to bed ourselves. Works well with a baby as you are often doing a dream feed anyway. Full day with the in-laws and a decent lunch out and then back in the car on Saturday night after kids tea. Sunday morning getting up in your own home. Made it feel a bit like you still have had a weekend.

Meeting half way is, I presume, meant to be a compromise. Issue with compromises is that no one gets what they want. Currently your children are spending 4 hours in one day to maybe spend a couple of hours split between a cafe and a walk. Frankly that is utterly insane.

Equally a 3 hours journey two consecutive days with the same infants for a one night stay is also bonkers.

Personally I would tell DH that he needs to understand this and if he mother would like to come for a 2 day stay every few months, this is fine but is no longer suits you - and nor is it practical or beneficial for your children. You have a DH issue and he needs to understand that his children’s needs take priority over his mother’s wishes

My inLaws live 3.5 hours away. There has been NO expectation of regular visits that were anything less than 3 days on either side, and confined to school holidays as they got older. They used to have the children for a week every summer once they were both 4y+ (ie 4 and 7) and again for 4 days during the year. Once they were older we would meet them half way for a day trip - Legoland/a Zoo - and spend the whole day with them once or twice a year. They would never have expected a return trip of 4 hours for a ‘walk’. My kids both adore their grandparents so the lack of regular visits [or dog walks] hasn’t undermined their relationship.

Is the dog welcomed at yours?
I have a dog so get that it really impacts what you can do and go to. But she won't be able to leave it whilst she is miles away unless she has someone who can look after it.

I would have loved this set up meeting for a walk. But as always had to walk dogs and kids used to walking all weathers and wrapping up we were used to. I much preferred outings with my ILs who were awful people! Being in our home was much more intense!

I think send DH with kids is a good plan. When baby is older and can manage without feeding it will be easier

Just read your update. She doesn’t sounds brilliant. Think you might have to be firm here and set out what you think is best for your family, including dh, if he can’t.

’No, Angela, it’s not fair on the dc to take them 4 hours in the car just to go for a walk in the rain. There’s nothing for dc to do in the location you suggested, and we’ve all been ill. If you want to see the dc, then why not come to us on X date or we can meet at Y.’

This.

Your h sounds like part of the problem. How dare he leave all the childcare to you?

Is your mil interested in the dc??

If DH has to navigate a 4 hr drive with the toddler and a walk in the cold with the toddler, dog and MIL, he may decide that on balance upsetting his Mum is easier than dealing with the toddler again. But you will have to let him experience the pain himself. So send him off to meet his Mum with a smile and “what a pain Im not well enough to go too” 😂

Definitely the best option and it will mean he has to step up and parent the toddler, as he should.
He can say he wants you to stop mentioning it, but in that case I would be channelling Rachel's 'I'm not mad, I'm just not going' vibe from Friends

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!

The whole obsession with having to meet half-way drove me batty. It wouldn't be so bad if we got to go somewhere interesting, but inevitably it would be me watching the kids in some random playground whilst my husband chatted with his mum and step-dad. Most of the time they weren't even looking in our direction and it was all just rather pointless.

Can’t understand why your dh marches ahead surely in these situations you take a child each. He can carry a 2 year in a backpack carrier. he’d then soon be the one suggesting shorter walks.

There’s quite a lot to unpack in this I think!

Meeting half way is fine in principle, but I do think she needs to be flexible about where you meet - somewhere that’s friendly to your family as well as her dog! Surely she doesn’t need to bring the dog every time either?

The current occasion when you’re ill, I think your DH should go with the kids on his own.

The worst thing about all this is the marching off ahead leaving you with the baby and toddler, that is simply not on and you need to have a stern word with your DH about it. My exh was terrible for that marching off thing - always with some excuse that I was somehow to blame for toddlers and small children being slower than adult marching pace! It became a big issue in the marriage. He’d also sometimes insist on pushing the buggy when we had our second and would march off ahead of me and DC1 with the buggy that had all our belongings on it!

I think compromise is key here, but also making your DH realise that the marching off is not ok

Edit - he just takes DC1 whilst you’re ill, as I see you’re bfing from the update. MIL surely can’t reasonably complain about this and if she does, so what?

That sounds bloody miserable for you!
I agree, I’d tell DH that he can take the older child, or else you go somewhere more child friendly/MIL comes to you.

In that case tell her you're not feeling up to a walk in the cold so she has the option of see DH and toddler on the walk or see you all at your house.

It is cold you haven't been well baby needs milk, let your Dh deal with it.

If his mum is difficult he has probably had a lifetime navigating her "quirks", it is fine for you not to get wrapped up in it, let your husband deal with her and if a walk in the cold and wet isn't for you let them get on with it, he can take 1 or both children.

I would simply tell your husband that he can take the toddler [if toddler is well enough to go] but that you need to stay at home and recover from your chest infection. But looking after two small children is not happening while he goes out for the day for a walk with his mum while you are unwell. She can come to you all, while he does the bulk of the hosting.

And man up and find suitable locations that work for your family for the next time.

Yes all of this.

Can't you say something like, oh i will wait till the better weather to come, let your Dh take the toddler and you stay at home, do you think she might find your visits to much that is why she wants to meet you ?

Don't do it in the bad weather
Have a catch up on A video call instead..

It won't hurt. You don't need to continually see people all the time.
Wait until the better weather.

Take it in turns to make the entire journey.
Or DH goes with both children and you stay home.