Seeing MIL ‘halfway’

Ask him what exactly is "unfair" about the several options you've given as alternatives?

Ask him if he thinks it's fair on you when you're ill?

He's being an unreasonable pig about this, won't upset his Dmum but more than happy to make you put up and shut up. Inconsiderate arsehole he is.

Show him this thread, DH - just because you have a penis, doesn't mean you get to make ALL the decisions.

I'd be waving him off with toddler, and staying home with baby. That's more than fair in my opinion.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I really feel sorry for the children of parents like you and your husband.
He's a total wet wipe, only concerned with humouring anyone except his wife and children, irrespective of how it impacts them.

You, who dispite being unwell, and knowing its ridiculous, actually are arguing with him.

Poor children, neither parent with back bone or conviction to take control.
Not normal.

In a normal healthy family and relationship this would be dealt with quickly and firmly.

Its toxic. Wake up to that.

Ugh, this is so familiar bit with other members of my family like my dad and brother. Dogs have to come everywhere and guess what, most playgrounds or child friendly areas don't allow them in due to the hazard of one having a wee ir poo etc. They act like it's such an inconvenience but then bleat if they don't see my son like they have a quota they must fill. Well my dad anyway, my bro prefers dogs!

It absolutely is wrong to drag kids out the house for 4 hours cumulative carntime then a damp windy walk after all to assuage the feelings of a grown woman who isn't surely getting quality time with the kids anyway. At that age that happens in a home usually where the kids can be relaxed and warm!

Your DH feels he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, and his mum is the bigger, sharper rock so he's hoping he can move you to agree. Simple logic says the needs of the many outlay the wants of the few so he needs to stick up for your and the kids comfort on this.

This is all insane. How is this even a conversation.

She can leave her dog at home.

Second - She is one person and no kids - she can drive to you and go somewhere child friendly when the weather is better or to a soft play near yours now. I wouldn’t be driving more than an hour with young kids unless it was really needed. Not to sit in a pub. You need to say no to this stuff. She’s saying no so why aren’t you- well your DH!

If you’ve been ill the visit can be postponed anyway. Your husband is being ridiculous.

yanbu

If she is ok to drive and travel, it’s not unreasonable that she comes to you, especially in unpredictable weather seasons. I’m nana age, and I think it’s unreasonable to expect familes with young kids to day travel hours to see a GP. not unless they’re not mobile and can’t use transport. Even then it’d be an overnighter.

I think phrase it that it’s a “for now, until kids get a bit older and eldest is walking better”. I’d also be saying to dh that never agian does he leave you with two kids to manage, thst is also unreasonable. Buy him a back back to put kid in that not able to walk for more than 30 mins without a carry, until age that both kids can walk good distances. If he and MIL just want to go for walk and chat togther, he can go on his own fgs!

like other posters, have a look at alternatives half way though…as they’ve said a play farm, petting zoo, indoor play area or outside but with good playground …our local nature reserve has a fab children’s playground for multiple ages, and a good cafe. Might take some hunting down, but better to offer some alternatives that would be better than just point blank no.

Can you offer her any incentives to come to yours? Are there things she likes doing near yours you could include to tempt her to travel.

tell her truth about the logistics and stress it causes , she had kids once.

I’ve just found out not all NT places have cafes any more 😱😱😱😱

and if it’s wet and cold it doesn’t solve problem with kids , nor the slow walking pace if MIL and DH are going to stomp off at adult pace

You need to learn to be assertive.

You're not well. Baby needs to be with you for food. DH can take toddler, but for goodness sake put your foot down, you stay home with the baby.

As for him and his mother striding out ahead whilst you cope with the small children, words fail me. You don't have to put up with it! Throw away your inner doormat!

Let the argument happen… give him his choice at this point.

You take toddler and go or tell Mumsie to come here. (Or whatever choice you prefer). Those are the only two options and getting butthurt isn’t going to change anything. You’re not saying you’ll never do the halfway walk but you’re not doing it this time.

Be the baddie.. if mumsie comes back at you then own it … “yes the weather is crap, we’re all sick…and I’m not up for it” she’ll get over it or she won’t, you can’t and shouldn’t try to to control her emotions.

let him go alone and do the explaining to his DM

Perhaps you suggest something alternative? It doesn't sound like your husband has done this. Despite you asking. Get ahead of the game and suggest a place for next time, that would suit your needs more. There are loads of NT/EH/HH places that work for kids and dogs. Old ruins of castles are fabulous for both, plus they usually have a cafe so you can all grab lunch together.

I have been having my grandchild for a day a week since he was just a couple of months old, and successfully navigated these sorts of places with dogs and push chairs on my own, so they should hopefully be workable for all of you.

I live 2.5 hours away from my son and DIL (DS and soon to be another DS or DD). I go to them monthly, DIL picks me up from the station. I stay the night. They come down to us once every 6 months. That's the way to do things.

So a baby and toddler are expected to learn and be put out over a fully grown adult.

A grown adult who understands what babies and toddlers need. But her wants should come first?

You’ve got a dh problem followed by a princess mil problem

What is 'really unfair' about you not wanting to drive then walk around in the cold when you've just had a chest infection? Just say you're definitely not going and therefore the plan and how it works is down to him.

god he sounds like my ex, his mother's needs were always more important than mine or the kids. It wasn't the final nail in the coffin of our relationship but it was one of them.
He just has to text her something along the lines of
"Look Mum, none of us have been well and Op was really unwell with a chest infection and is still recovering. It's not good weather for having her or the kids outside, if you can come to us this time that would be a massive help. The kids would love to see you and I'll make you your favourite supper when you get here"

If he isn't willing to do tiny things to ensure your comfort when you've been ill how can you trust him when you really need him

Look OP, arguments are part of married life and sometimes you need a good argument before years of resentment followed by huge explosion. You gave him options now the ball is in his court.
I suspect your DH is not used to discussing thugs so that’s why he shut you down but it’s impossible approach. Try to stay polite but stuck to your arguments- his mum’s behaviour is very very selfish and unreasonable.

This sounds really familiar - have you posted about this before, in the last few weeks?

She needs to leave the dog at home it's only for a few hours and she can take it for a walk somewhere scenic on her own time. Does she want to see the kids or just have a convenient walk with the dog somewhere new!

DH just needs to text her and offer alternatives of a NT place (dog friendly usually so quite good) that's mostly your way or in the middle for you both
Or farm parks etc and he just needs to say its no dogs but as he's sure she remembers toddlers are crazy and need to run around 😜

If she says no then it's up to your DH what to do, stay out of it, apart from saying you aren't going lol. Why should you be flexible if she isn't willing to? My MIL used to drive 3hr to me with my first before we moved closer and stay in a hotel or our spare room if we offered! Otherwise she would drive back in the evening. And she hates night driving!

Hi, I think DH needs to set a polite boundary with his Mother. Like other people have said that’s a blooming long drive to hang about in the cold with two kids.

I understand MIL might not want to leave the dog at home, but in this weather indoors is best & a neighbour could let her dog out for a wee. It’s not a big ask.

If she won’t bend, then knock it on the head and say it doesn’t work for you.

We had a vaguely similar issue with my in-laws where the meeting point was 1 hour from them & 2 hours from us. My MILdid what was most convenient for her, and wouldnt negotiate so I just said it was too much driving in one day after working full-time for a whole week. it didn’t really damage the relationship. In reality, I think she respected my boundary.

DH needs to put his Family’s needs ahead of his Mother right now. It’s an entirely reasonable request.

I have a couple of family members who like meeting up midway in somewhere that suits them and not us too! I just put it off in the colder months and try to make it more suitable for us then in the warmer months give in more to them. They'd literally have us having outdoor picnics in the snow with a newborn, absolutely not!

Could either your family or MIL visit the others house this time while the weather is awful and then do her midway walks in the nicer weather? Be honest and just say you don't enjoy walks when the weather is like this but you're happy to do some of what she likes and some of what you like across the year.

I’m not sure why she doesn’t like to come here, I think it’s probably because she doesn’t like the county where we are as much as she likes heading westwards which has more interesting scenery.

Ah. So you have a granny-baby on your hands here. An older person who has specific wants and preferences that are Very Important, but who snipes at babies, children and adults having other wants/needs.

My mum is one of these. You just have to stand your ground I'm afraid, because they will ruin everyone's day if you don't.

Dh takes the toddler and meets his mum “halfway” you stay at home with the baby as you’ve been unwell.

In future with these walks get dh to be the hand holder for the toddler as you have the baby, or just stop trying to catch up with them. Enjoy your stroll with baby and toddler and if they moan just point out they walk far too fast for toddler.

A trike can be useful for a toddler as well on long walks.

Also make sure you put in suggestions that work for you closer to home sometimes. A nice pub meal with a country walk an hour from your home with a suitable play space for toddler and beer garden for dog.

A non dog one every so often that’s more farm based for toddler. Soft play could work, she can sit and hold the baby and toddler can run wild.

Agree to the halfway thing, but insist it is somewhere halfway. Or take turns to choose where to meet so that you can occasionally pick places that suit you. You don't have to agree to go on long, cold, wet, dog walks if they don't suit you. Just speak up and tell her you need to find places with more to do for your toddler.Say 'you walk the dog and we'll meet you at such and such a place after.'

If she can't take turns and wants it all her own way then just don't go. Stick to the home visits only.