To say something or should I just drop this re surname

No don’t do that passive aggressive thing

address it directly

That would be extremely thick. My parents, who are in their 80's have never had any difficulty in understanding what "I didn't change my name" means.

I'm 60. I kept my name, when I got married over 30 years ago as did most of the women in my social/work circles at the time. Interestingly, at work, the vast majority of the older women retained their name while a reasonable number of the younger ones either changed on marriage or when they had kids.

My bil seems to take it as a personal affront that I didn't change my name so anything he addresses to us is sent to Mr and Mrs Dh Surname (double whammy as I am most definitely not Mrs) or MyFirstName and DhFirstName DhSurname. I really don't get it. I respect the fact his wife changed her name so why not show me the same courtesy?

I agree with you OP 100%, it would irritate me hugely.

I’m older now so am more relaxed about things. I’m not sure how I would have reacted when younger, but I may have just ignored it as I wouldn’t have seen these petty minded people as being of any importance whatsoever and wouldn’t have wanted to give them the satisfaction of knowing they were irritating me.

However, I’m thinking that you could perhaps just save any letters that are addressed to you properly with your name on them and then casually leave them in a pile on the coffee table, or in a prominent place that your family are bound to notice when visiting. That will wind them up in exactly the same way that they are trying to do to you. I’d go sneaky on their asses!!!

Are you sure they're not just a bit thick, and confused by these things?

They might be thinking, "Yes, we know she kept her own name, but because we're sending things by post, you know, officially it ought to be the husband's name."

The devil in me would mark it “return to sender” and put it back in the post box

they’d soon stop doing it

Well in that case I'd address correspondence to him as Mr NewPartnersSurname and when he questions it as he will then tell him you are just joining in the family fun of using the wrong name. You asked/told him directly so now its passive aggressive for the win

I'd pick a date, probably about 1 month before my birthday, and start calling my dad other names. 'Oh, hi, uncle John. How nice that you've called.' Then I'd point out that apparently being called the wrong name doesn't matter in this family, but if he was willing to use my actual name, you know, the one he gave me, then I'm sure I could change my understanding of name expectations. I would do it every time I spoke to him until/unless he sent me a birthday card with my actual name.

I know this will come as a terrible shock to you but people are different and not everyone thinks/feels the same as you do.

Exactly. That’s what my DIL did.

How annoying. I’d be so petty and every time I would return. I’d even be that petty and put their address on the back and return to sender with the name crossed out on the front saying, not known at this address! Every single time. They know what your name is

It shows a lack of respect. When my son got married I asked my DIL what name she’d go by. Not because we’re precious about her taking my son’s name but wanted to get it.

Wow!! That's incredible, in a workplace as well. It's really common for a woman to keep a professional name even if she chooses to change it in her private life.

Yes, protest. Keep protesting. They're being thick.

I'm not married (although have been together 20 years) and yet get cards addressed to Mrs HisName from my SIL 😂🤦

I have this too. I just think ggrrrrr when a letter arrives then forget it. I don't think I'd be binning any cheques 😄

Children, adults now, also have Dh' s surname. I felt it was more important to him than me at the time, but I regret that now.

When I got back from my honeymoon they had changed the nameplate on my office door, they had to change it back :)

I don’t get enough post for this to annoy me.

As a married woman, you can keep your own name and give the children your own name, or double barrel with husband's name for fairness.

My parents are, say, John & Anne Smith, I'm Jessica Smith.
The correct, but old-fashioned, way to address a letter to Mum is "Mrs.J.Smith"
not Mrs.A.Smith.

So DM used to open letters addressed to Miss J. Smith on the basis that the "Miss" was meant to be "Mrs". Effing cow.

Honestly, this has made me so angry on your behalf. It's not just rude, it's misogynistic and dismissive of your values and principles. The lack of respect shown to you by your own father and in laws is astonishing.

I never want to get married, but if for some bizarre reason I did, there is no way on earth I would change my name. If people deliberately and maliciously called me by the wrong name, after requesting them not to do so, if they continued to go against my expressed wishes, I wouldn't have anything to do with them.

wish id been like this - I took the burden of doing everything for my inlays

I'm also in this situation.

I have two DMs. Adoptive DM gets my surname right but is constantly apologising (to relatives, bank managers, etc.) for my apparently eccentric choice. But that's OK. We can agree to disagree.

Bio DM gets it wrong every single time. I've stopped asking for replacement birthday cheques and now just chuck them out. Maybe she thinks I'm mistaken about my own name. It drives me nuts.