To say something or should I just drop this re surname

I have this all the time too. I work in a field where it's helpful to be able to show future clients your previous projects, so while a name change doesn't exactly erase your work history, it does make it less plain to see. So mine was a deliberate professional choice when I got married, and has become more of a principle now. My husband was actively pleased I kept my name because he likes it. My son has my husband's name. I'm absolutely fine with that. Primary school couldn't cope at all with us having different names, so I mostly just got called 'mum' by them, which didn't bother me.

I used to have a problem when DH's family kindly sent cheques for Christmas. For a while my bank would take them in either name, but then after the new money-laundering rules came in they couldn't. I had one very irritating conversation with a bank service desk operative who told me it would just be easier if I changed the name on my bank account to my husband's surname! Fuck that! In the end I had to go back to my husband's 100-year old great aunt and ask her to re-send the cheque. Very awkward.

Why women should have to deal with any of this in the twenty-first century beggars belief. We're not chattels any more...

I hate this, it's so rude. I've had the same but I just return them with "not known at this address". Every time. Only one person carried on after the first returned card, and I keep sending them back. If they want to carry on being so petty, so will I.

I presume you pointed out that indeed he does not "control his wife", being equals and all! Glad he agreed to double barrel in the end.

The Dr title coming first is interesting, I didn't know that so I'm glad you pointed it out. However it reminded me of a girl I was at school with in the 80s; both her parents were doctors but when school handed out letters to take home hers would have the envelope addressed to Dr and Mrs Khan (not the real surname). She felt affronted for her mum who had actually qualified first and pointed out to school that it should say Dr and Dr Khan but was told "it doesn't look right, dont be so silly". She was fuming and so was I on her mum's behalf!

I think you are absolutely right though that there is an idea that a man changing his name on marriage is emasculating and embarrassing to him. I know a few who went double barrelled but only two who changed their name to their wife's. One because his surname was Gay and he couldn't wait to get rid of it and the other one was called Mark Smith or Mark Jones (can't remember which) and he leapt at the chance of having his wife's much more distinctive surname which was something like Brunswick.

Nope, not seeing how your post could have been making that point.

And even if it was, it's not particularly helpful to just tell her everyone is different.

Every single older member of my family has got my name wrong since forever, when my parents divorced, when I married, when I divorced. It used to wind me up, I cba to care anymore.

Before DH and I got married, my own mother sent Christmas Cards addressed to, without naming names obvs-

Mr Bob Jones and Sally.

I was an "and"?! 🙄

Yes, there are people who are that ignorant, or thick I suppose.

I married two years ago after being together for thirty years. I actually had a bit of a set too with one of my immediate family who thought that it was the law that women changed their names to their husbands on marriage. She was convinced that I was breaking the law by staying me.

My poor MIL asked how I was getting on changing all my documents to my new name just after we got married. I told her I wasn't changing my name and it turns out she genuinely, genuinely didn't know that was an option (she was a bit sheltered). That made sense because she'd been married twice and taken on some hideous names that went so badly with hers - I imagined I could see the cogs going and her realising she hadn't had to be Mrs Mouldie or Mrs Glasscock all those years.

Yes. And everyone is different. That’s not the point of this thread. But If it’s such a big deal to you why didn’t your husband take your name, and your kids yours not his?

That’s why this is contentious; because those who do all want to have the same family name are almost always expected to take the man’s or hyphenate.

I kept my name when I married in the 90s, OP. My paternal grandmother always wrote to me as Rawbloomers [DHSurname]. But everyone else was good. My Grandmother was in her 80s already and I just let it go. I couldn't feel bad about it because she genuinely thought I should be glad. She had my father "out of wedlock" and was massively shamed for it. I think she just wanted for me what she thought (and was probably right in her circumstances) would have made her life far better.

But if my dad had done it, it would have been more of chauvanistic - of course women should give up their names, how would a man feel if his wife wouldn't do that? And I would have had a fit at him. If he still continued I'd start referring to him as HisFirstName DH'sLastName (or possibly my mum's maiden name). But probably not that often because it would really put me off talking to him. He's being disrespectful and pretty contemptuous.

Your PiL are being equally rude and contemptuous, but I can understand why you are less bothered by that. Personally, I would still be pretty cold towards them because of it, though, and not want them having much influence over kids.

I'm not sure whether you've told him he's being an old fashioned arse?

You aren't being unreasonable but it probably isn't worth your energy to fight it, though I completely understand why you would.

I'd be tempted to mark any letter "nobody of that name at this address" and pop it back in the post box with his return address on the back.

That would annoy the shit out of me. But I’m the type that would mention it until they stop.

Ha, my point exactly, in response to the OP.

I’d be tempted to try sending your dad’s birthday card to Mr Dmumaidenname or Mr DHSurname and if he comments say “oh sorry, you always get mine wrong so I hadn’t realised it was an issue”

Could you make him a copy of your certificate and put it in a frame so he can put it on his wall to help him remember?

I decided to keep my ex's surname after we divorced because I wanted the same surname as my kid. It's an important part of my identity. Keeping your maiden name is clearly an important part of yours and it's not being respected.

Get them all telt. Being over 60 is not an acceptable excuse. ✊

I could have written your post. The first time I received a Christmas card to mr & mrs DH I thought it was a card for my pils. All my documents, Facebook are in my name, work etc but still it continues.

I love that if my DH goes to the vet he is called MrNotWaving because our pets are registered under my surname. If it was the other way round, however, I would definitely be setting them straight.

We've been married nearly 30 years, dh is Mr Hisname, I'm Ms Myname, and ds is Mr Myname-Hisname. And we still get things addressed to Mr+Mrs Hisname or to Mrs C Hisname. I think expecting people to use the name I've had for 54 years and the honorative I have used exclusively for 51 isn't very much to ask

While I voted yanbu, because I'm quite sure you're not, I do have reservations about your aging relatives.

I was born in 1950, so a teenager in the late 60s/early 70s, a time of great social upheaval, and feminism was not a strange concept to most of us at all.

Indeed, when I married in the late 70s I chose not to change my surname and so did my husband. No body batted an eyelid. It wasn't that uncommon.

so I'm a little shocked that somehow this quite normal situation is not accepted by people 10 or so years younger than me.

perhaps it's representative of only your and your husbands families?

I certainly hope do.

I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’

If you're being nicey-nicey when you mention it, it could be that they simply don't know/understand how much it's affecting you.

If it's bothering you that much, sit down and have a serious chat about it.

I would expect my partner to deal with his side of the family in your situation.

It’s a very sexist way of doing things.

I think it is the height of rudeness to call someone by a name other than the one they use. The assumption is almost always only made of women. Fuck that shit.

I had this in my first marriage and it pissed me off no end. The MIL told me that I could be Dr Myname at work but "of course" had to be Mrs Hisname in my personal life.

I ignored her completely but she would bring it up a lot and she always addressed things to Mrs Hisname (this was before the internet and we lived in a different country to her so letters were actually sent in the snail post). She was a silly and lazy woman who did nothing but sit and order servants around, and she derived her whole identity from the fact that her husband was the town's doctor, but she was always opining on something or other, including this.

In my second marriage I have no in-laws as they were dead before I came on the scene, so it doesn't arise. (He has sisters but I don't think they care one way or another and have never said anything).

BTW, I am in my sixties, so it's not just a generational "over 60" thing. I would never have contemplated taking a man's name. I have however given DS DH's surname as he is named after the man (first name too) and it just seemed right.

My best friend gave her DCs her own surname, and good thing really as they are both completely estranged from their arsehole of a father now!

20+ years for me and the same issue. I send them back “unknown at this address”.

Yep that would annoy me. I’d probably have to say something, but they sound quite determined!

We’re not married and no names have been changed - DC double-barrelled.