To say something or should I just drop this re surname

I’m well into my sixties and am shocked at so many posts on here where your parents or other relatives, who are likely younger than me, are so rude in their forms of written address!

Perhaps the generations above - many now deceased like my own - did this as it was the accepted correct thing to do - but now - it’s ignorant.

Nonsense. It's about respect and manners. My grandmother, who would be 125 if she was still alive had no problem remembering my surname remained the same as it always was once I was married 34 years ago.

I don't think it is, I think it is the education they had.

Your name is Opfirstname Opsurname but your title is -in old fashioned etiquette - Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname. Mrs Opfirstname DHsurname would indicate you were divorced.

It really is difficult to change this because it is not at the front of your mind. The same when writing to a company you address them as 'Dear Sirs'.

It annoys me that I know this stuff, but it was bashed in to us at school.

Maybe give yourself aa different title, I like 'Great Poobah'.

"Mum, Dad you need to stop being so rude and offensive to my wife. It's not ok. It's been twelve years. It's about time you respected her decision not to take my name. I don't own my wife and your attempts to try and own her are totally unacceptable passive aggressive and out of order."

Your DH needs to grow a spine and you.

I'm married 34 years, so not that long after you. The vast majority of women in my social and work circles kept their name when they got married so I don't think it was that unusual so the time.

It's ridiculous in this day and age, in many countries such as Italy where nowadays you are not allowed to change your surname and must keep your birth name even after marriage, it is who you are!

Well I'm 61 and kept my name through two marriages and as a dual national it has significantly reduced my paperwork needs around ID and registering marriages a d divorces etc . But I digress

My ILs addressed all correspondence to Mrs DHlastname until they died a few years ago, which I ignored for 20 years but if my parents had done this I'd definitely have said something.

Or it could just be patriarchal conditioning.

It’s patriarchal conditioning.

Yours, an older generation feminist.

“The older generation”… Have you ever MET a 1970s feminist????

I’m a pensioner and have been married for almost 40 years. Kept my own name and trust me in those days it was unheard of. I still get cards etc from family addressed to MRS but my own name 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️I’ve even sent pictures of my driving license in the past to show my name but I’ve given up now. I know who I am and other pig ignorant people
can jog on

It seems to be a real sticking point with the older generation. I wonder if it’s something to do with “etiquette” being drummed in at school- this was the type of thing taught - how to address an envelope, greet a person who was royal etc ( why??)
I am in my 50s and we had an ancient cover teacher whose sole mission seemed to be teaching these rules.
Or it could just be patriarchal conditioning. I agree though it’s extremely annoying!

A friend of mine kept her ex-H's surname when they divorced as she wanted to have the same surname as their DS. DS grew up and promptly changed his surname to her maiden name, so they have different surnames now. I don't suppose she can be bothered to change her name back to her maiden name now.

Elvis it!

It's really not that hard to ask to be addressed by a certain name and to do it. Once knowing, you use it, having to be reminded, you do it with an apology. To continue to wrongly address is either laziness or and rude.

I dare you to send one to them with your MIL's maiden name on and see how they like it in reverse. That would cause some shit though wouldn't it? 🤣 Re your dad I would have thought he'd be chuffed you kept the family name. It would piss me off too though. I hate that people assume me and my partner are married and put mr and mrs on cards to us.

I hyphenated my name when I married DH. Most of his family address cards to Mr & Mrs DHSurname which is annoying enough but FIL is such a passive aggressive knobhead that he addresses my birthday card solely to my first name because he refuses to use my hyphenated name 🙄

There are quite a few of us in the older generation that did not take our husbands' names, though. We second wave feminists are all old now, but the movement did pass by a few.

I kept my name when I married over 40 years ago and never had an issue with my family or DH's. I would have definitely spoken up if any of them had treated me the way the OP has been treated.

I disagree. I'm 60. Never changed my name. My parents in their 80's had no problem. Even my granny, who would be 125 if she was still alive had no problem with it once she was told.

Same here, over 20 years married and 30 together and I still get called by DH name which I never took. My MIL always addresses cards to Mrs DH first &surname and my family Mrs DH surname. I think I was a bit annoyed in the beginning but it doesn’t bother me these days. I think older generations just don’t get it I don’t think they’re being deliberately difficult.

Your big mistake was giving the children your dh’s name. WTF do you mean you don’t mind because you’re not insecure about your connection with them? You mean he is?????

This poem by Meleika Gesa-Fatafehi explains on a deep intellectual level why it can be enraging:

I’d have to send it back saying no one by that name at this address.

Same. My name has been Initial. Maidenname all my life and preceded by a professional title for over half of it.
I have learned over the last 2 decades that only the passive aggressive people in my life (still) call me “Mrs. B” - which is my MIL’s name - to minimise my identity/achievements. It tells me more about them than it speaks about me. If I’m feeling counter-PA i sometimes still correct it…otherwise it is only about their perceived inadequacy if you’ve made it clear it is offensive?

Your big mistake was giving the children your dh’s name. WTF do you mean you don’t mind because you’re not insecure about your connection with them? You mean he is?????

I did change my name but am also very irritated by things addressed to Mrs DH first name DH last name. As you say, that is not my name, it’s his.