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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say something or should I just drop this re surname

230 replies

geminicancerean · 05/02/2026 16:26

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

OP posts:
Original poster
geminicancerean · 05/02/2026 16:39

Bordershoppingtrolley · 05/02/2026 16:31

I know how you feel because I’m in exactly the same boat. I’ve never done it but I’m tempted to return any more cards addressed to Mr and Mrs [DH surname] to sender. It’s probably not worth the aggravation but it’s massively rude.

This is what upsets me, because you’re right, it is rude. They know that my name is Mrs Opsurname but they don’t think it should be, so they write Mrs DHsurname because it makes them feel, I don’t know, like they’re restoring some sort of karmic balance that I tipped the wrong way by simply liking, and wanting to keep, my own name. I do think it’s a dig and I don’t think it’s very subtle.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/02/2026 16:37

Ignore it. My DS married his wife and changed his name to hers. I am fine with this, his DF (whose surname he previously had) is Not Happy.

But he (XH) is a tosser, so I don't care.

Namechangedasouting987 · 05/02/2026 16:34

Yep, my in laws the same. Anyone on his side of the family.
Been 25 years and i still bristle..
I just ignore

Bordershoppingtrolley · 05/02/2026 16:31

I know how you feel because I’m in exactly the same boat. I’ve never done it but I’m tempted to return any more cards addressed to Mr and Mrs [DH surname] to sender. It’s probably not worth the aggravation but it’s massively rude.

bunnypenny · 05/02/2026 16:31

I have this. I roll my eyes every time I get mail from the in laws and then promptly forget about it.

Personally it doesn’t bother me probably because I’ve never mentioned the taking/not taking of my husband’s name, but if it bothers you then say something. If you do and your dad ignores you again, then yeah be pissed off.