Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

Well, think about the logistics of not being able to look at someone but being all over their baby and then toddler? When do you engage with the baby? Only when it’s being held by someone other than its parents?

Are you really this confused?

No-one said anything about "important." It was about how two different women in different circumstances reacted to their pregnancies.

Importance doesn't come into it.

So you think her pregnancy was more important?

It wasn’t.

Because the op's pregnancy was not a reliving of a lost pregnancy.

Of course the SIL's behaviour is not how anyone would counsel someone to behave; but it is so patently an inability to process the trauma that to seems cruel to berate her for it.

SIL iced op out and went from being close to her to ignoring her and refusing to even look at her in front of other people which is pretty humiliating for op. And stressful for everyone around who obviously felt they couldn't celebrate op. And also iced out and refused to acknowledge the existence of her niece for 2 years.

It's not about blowing smoke up anyone's arse, it's more nasty than that. And like I said, I get the WHY. I just don't think that means op must swallow her (valid) hurt and humiliation.

I would tread carefully. I don’t know if the emotional toll of all of her experiences will put her at risk of PND? Or health / SIDS anxiety around her child. She has been through a lot and seems that you have held back and resentment has grown for you. Not sure now is the time to put it the boot in. What else is going on for you right now? Can you intentionally build a life so connected and fulfilling that the irrational and dysregulated emotions of another woman enduring multiple compounding traumas don’t get under your skin and preoccupy your thoughts.

What is the resolution for you? To tell her off? To complain to MIL and get her on your side? To finally get to treat her with distain and hurt her like she hurt you?

How will this resolve for you?

Because she and her husband just clearly hurt too much from loosing too many babies.

So they just avoided op and have done for two years. Although they send ops child birthday cards.

Bringing up that it hurt you that she wast happy when you was pregnant over 2 years ago and is pretty much no contact with you isn’t what anyone should do to a couple who’s just had a baby.

Take the hint that they don’t want a relationship and move on or await an olive branch from them reaching out to fix it.

I suspect it will pass when their baby is older. A pregnancy and birth makes child loss raw. Now just isn't the time.

@Calliopespa No, pray enlighten me.

She's ignored the OP for two years now. She's clearly never going to explain or apologise.

Surprised that being rude and unpleasant to a 2-year-old gets a pass on MN if you've experienced early miscarriages. Personally, I'm of the strong belief that you don't take your shit out on other people. No exceptions.

Is that so hard to work out?

She's not looking for a blowout though is she? She's not said she's any intention of confronting her.

Also there's a massive difference between 'blowing smoke up someone's arse' about being pregnant and being, you know, a normal, decent human being who says 'congratulations on your pregnancy' rather than running away from them and their child and ignoring them completely for the next TWO YEARS.

If it were me, I'd work hard to forget about her and BIL's reaction during the pregnancy - miscarriages are hard and not knowing if you will ever have a baby is hard and quite a lot of women find other women's pregnancies hard during times like this.

That they won't look at or interact with your actual child- now a toddler - well I just couldn't be bothered with them for that. The pp who forever associates a particular nephew with her pregnancy loss and it affects her relationship with him - in my opinion she needs help with that because that is not normal and not nice and just accepting it as one of those things is unhealthy.

Back to OP, BIL and SIL are not trustworthy and not friends. Just drop the rope. Stop expecting anything of them. The friendship you had is gone. Don't bother trying to connect with SIL. Just smile and nod if necessary at family get togethers and move on with your own friendships etc. I'm kind of with your DH - what point would there be to trying to have a conversation. If, after they have their own baby, they still ignore your toddler - what would be the point?

Take that up with the people who treated op like that. Not sil who just avoided the op.

Yes, I doubt the OP’s BIL and SIL are having summits about how to manage relations with the wider family, they’re just pie-eyed with exhaustion like most first-time parents of a newborn.

Give them a chance to adjust to parenthood before you start inventing ‘normality’ tests for them to fail, OP?

Your post does read slightly as though you’re saying ‘Phew! Now they’ve had a baby, I no longer have to feel sorry for them or be sensitive to their evident and inconvenient distress! Now I can expect them to be normal again!’

Yes, but when you say "still", it is very early days. Many people connect pregnancy loss with the subsequent pregnancy and birth.

Why was Op’s pregnancy not important, but SIL must be protected?

Absolute chnts. It was not their fault but not your fault either. But overall, they can treat u whatever way they want in their small minds but to not even acknowledge ur lovely daughter through no fault of her own that’s unforgivable and I would not be speaking to HER!!!!

if she spoke to you anytime I would honestly tell her to go fuck herself and stare at ceilings again.

She sounds like a decent sort who'll rise above it. But she shouldn't need to be the 'better person' in this scenario. She's done nothing wrong.

At this point you need to protect your own feelings (and those of your child).
SIL and BIL are both ND as are their kids, we have a limited relationship with them all because it is so draining to spend time with them - they are rude (no filter) selfish (no empathy) cannot meet anywhere indoors (too people-y) cannot eat food they have not prepared themselves (too many food issues) and will only talk about their special interest topics.
Non of this is their fault but we’ve had to step back for our own sanity and let go of the idea that the families could/should be close and I think you need to do the same.
Also IMO your inlaws will always favour the child who “needs them more” (the ND one). That’s certainly been our experience, DC and I nearly died during birth but BIL and SIL needed them “more”, so they were barely in contact with DH, he had to do all the leg work. Just because someone cannot process their emotions does not mean you have to accept being a punching bag, whatever PPs on this thread might think!

Sil didn’t ruined ops pregnancy. Sil just didn’t talk to op and avoided her.

Other family members treated op however they treated her. It wasn’t sils job to blow smokeup the ops arse about how amazing it is she is pregnant.

Ops looking for a blowout with a weeks postpartum first time mum. That will certainly paint op as the bad guy.

The thing is, it's not about expecting sil to just "get over it" she will never completely get over it, this is something she will live her life with now. It's about recognising that you've been through something awful and traumatic while still being accountable for yourself so you aren't hurting others. We can still be sensitive to trauma while still expecting people not to hurt us.

And op I fully agree with the pp who mentioned that now is not the time. I think you take it on the chin for now, make the effort you would have made had this not all happened and then maybe in 6 months time or a years time when you feel sil is more 'herself ' after having a baby then you time that conversation.

And I also would not be talking to others about this because that is not a fair conversation for sil to be getting second hand.

The issue is that she is still ignoring the OP and her daughter, without explanation or apology. At the very least, that's going to make any family gatherings deeply unpleasant for the OP and her child.

People experience loss. It's not an excuse to take it out on other people.

Have you met their new baby yet?

Good idea: go tit for tat then OP.