Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc

That's not going to happen and your expectations are unreasonable, given the reality of her behaviour.

Stop approaching her. Whatever her reasons, she clearly wants no contact with you and it's time to let her be. Match that. You can't change it. You can ask your MIL if she knows why your SIL literally cuts you dead and runs away from you because it's disconcerting to be treated as non existent when you don't know what the problem is. But you might never know. I do think you need to discuss the treatment of your 2 year old in family settings and your husband is going to have to step up here.

You're dealing with a person with grief, ND, and having a young baby in the home. There might be some family favoritism involved and your husband might be a bit of a glass child.

OP I think your in laws have not behaved at all well. I understand your SIL's grief but her reaction to your pregnancy was extreme and hurtful. As for you PIL's - they were extremely insensitive of your feelings and I think even at this stage having a word seems reasonable to me and it might help you to move on. I'm not sure your relationship with your SIL and BIL is salvageable though.

My own experience is that after my 9 month old DD died suddenly and unexpectedly within a few months 3 close friends were pregnant. I can't say it wasn't hard being around them at times and I cried quite a few times in private, but they were my friends and when in their company I made sure I was happy for them and that they knew it was OK to just talk naturally about their pregnancies.

In a subsequent pregnancy I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks when my sister was 16 weeks pregnant. Again it was really difficult watching my Dsis's pregnancy progress but I still tried to be positive and there for her and didn't want her to feel she had to tread on eggshells around me because of my loss.

I think people need to realise that everything is not always about them. Life is just not always fair and I think adults need to deal with that and just get on with it without pissing on someone else's fireworks.

Quite! It’s sadly amusing when someone’s so desperate to get the bitchy boot in they’ve not bothered to read the actual info!
so if “they’re her parents not yours” was in fact true @CrouchEndTiger1 that’s an ok for the SIL to be the horror she is?

I feel your pain OP. Several of my nearest and dearest had miscarriages around when I was pregnant. I could see that being around me caused them pain so kept everything hush hush. Only one completely cut me out, but she still did try, bless her, and got her husband to send me a baby gift. I think if SIL still can't face talking to you or your child, she needs to stop coming to family gatherings. It's so rude and I'm surprised no one has told her to stay away.

They're her parents, not yours. Parents are always going to be closer to their daughter than their son's wife. Sorry it's just the way it is.

No they're not. They are her parents in law.

There's an unpleasant tone to your contribution, and considering you've got the basic facts wrong, I think OP can safely ignore it.

Yes. It’s SIL’s problem.
So she should not go to family events if she can’t muster the absolute minimum level of politeness towards her SIL and niece (who may I remind you haven’t done anything wrong)

i had a good friend who didn’t invite me to her wedding when she found out I was pregnant and stopped speaking to me because she was having fertility issues. I have no advice but some people are strange and probably not real friends to begin with

Not sure I could be bothered with this to this degree, however it sounds like she doesn't have the ability to come back around from earlier instances where she behaved in an anti-social manner (for understandable reasons), and is doubling down.

What did your original message say when you got pregnant about her having mixed feelings? Is there anything that she could latch on to in that in terms of opting to take offence (as 'evidence' to other family members)?

OP, basically you should mentally write off your SIL as a rude and self centred person and just go NC with her on your side. 2 years on this behaviour is unhinged and I would never forget that, she showed you who she really is.

You don’t have to talk to her or your MIL to explain that. However. You need to read your MIL a riot act if they continue to allow her to shun YOUR CHILD at family events because of that, because eventually your child will start noticing that someone hates them for no reason. or if there is ANY sign of different treatment of your child and SIL child by MIL or PIL.

If the SIL is going to blank the OP FOR NO GOOD REASON, then yes of course she should be the one to sit out family events. She's the one making it uncomfortable for everyone else FOR NO GOOD REASON.

So same goes for op and her partner and child now? They’ll be able to ignore sil and new baby and all run off whenever they come? (Not that I think op would be vindictive or self centred to do so)
and the sil and in-laws will be as supportive of op doing this as they were of sil?

Op said she actively went and approached her. After the sil has also basically ran away from her.

Thats approaching someone who doesn’t want to talk to you.

So what sil should never go to a family gathering again because op will be there or op ends up not invited. I’m sure that would make events even better. Rather than just mutual distance.

Don't be nuts. They're sisters-in-law. Speaking to someone at family gatherings, Christmas and so on, is NORMAL. It's not 'approaching someone who clearly doesn't want to talk to you.'

The SIL is the one being rude and nasty batshit, not the OP.

I agree with this. I'm imagining her looking away from you, as she may have feared bursting into tears. I suspect it was a coping mechanism for engaging in family events, rather than her being horrid.

I imagine she will always grieve her lost babies, so I think there's room for a little compassion though.

I do understand it was sad and hard for you not to be able to express your joy and get the support you needed though. It's a bit like illness or disability - grief doesn't just affect the person going through it xx

This!

I added that going NC - openly- just because someone had a baby is crazy and very very rude.
i can understand that people may want to privately keep a distance but OP has done NOTHING wrong by getting pregnant.
It does not justify this behaviour at all.

if you can’t muster a hello and couple of polite phrases towards someone who did nothing wrong you need to stay home.

Approaching someone who clearly doesn’t want to talk to you and has made that perfectly clear multiple times is rude.

The baby is tricky however because most people wouldn’t want someone who cut them off to engage with their child, very much a can’t be arse with me don’t be arsed with my child.

people can cut off anyone they fancy for any reason they want. It’s not a punishment it’s just someone deciding they are not dealing with you anymore. Clearly sil couldn’t mentally handle ops pregnancy so she cut her off for her mental health. We don’t have to agree with it but she felt she needed to and that should still be respected that an adult wants nothing to do with you so you leave them alone.

ignoring people (and a child) at a family event to the point you just turn away from them when they are saying hello is treating them badly, yes.

and going openly NC just because they had a child is also treating them badly.
they have nothing wrong to be punished.

Really?

I didn't see a "phew" moment at all.

I would, however, expect an adult to treat a small child/baby with a little more love.

I imagine @TiredMummaChlo is overjoyed at being an aunt and that her DD now has a cousin.
I know some the best times for me as a kid were messing about with my cousins just don't ask 😳 about the caterpillars or the pedalo

At no point does OP come across as insensitive to their losses.

Is being no contact with people treating them badly?

Because that’s what it seems the Sil and her husband have done.

Doesn’t seem like an ultimatum of us or them at family events was issued either just a no contact ignoring.

Which also didn’t happen just after op gave birth it was way before.

Im no contact with a family member. I wouldn’t ever make other family members pick a side but I wouldn’t talk to them if we were in the same place and I would walk away if they approached me.

If they continue to ignore your now TWO year old and you that’s absolutely appalling.
i can’t believe the PILs excuse and enable that.
i can understand some reactions around pregnancy but this behaviour now is inexcusable.
ASD, child loss, whatever.
she functions in the society and presumably has a job; ASD is just an excuse at this point. She’s just a self centred twat, and a cruel twat that takes this out on a 2 year old.

I had an identical situation with a SIL. You have to move on like it never happened. It rankles, of course it does. I have very little to do with her due to distance and that suits me very well. To preempt any back lash my pregnancy was a twin loss pregnancy so yes, I get the loss side of things, and the fear of losing another loud and clear. Interestingly no one, literally no one showed me any kindness, sympathy or understanding for my twin loss. It was pretty much, well you've still got one so what's the problem? So the fact everyone fell over themselves for SIL was doubly annoying.

People are annoying though. Just park it and move on. It's all you can do! They aren't going to suddenly change, they will never feel they have done anything wrong.

I'm not going to 'think about those logistics' because being a grown woman who can't look another grown woman - who has done absolutely nothing wrong - in the face is batshit.

I was (am) in her shoes.
Not everyone acts like this.

Hang on a minute - so it's fine for the couple who've just had a baby to treat the OTHER couple really badly when they just had a baby? So one rule for one and another for everyone else? Having early miscarriages means you can be a total dick to a new mother and she just has to suck it up? Well OK then.