Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

I dont care what happened 100 years ago or in other countries. It might be recent but it's what we do now.

That's a relatively recent historical concept for the vast majority of people. Most people have stayed close to extended family for most of history. Did they not grow up?

True also a lot of blame on the sil as is the norm and not much mention of the bil apart from a brief bit about her husband not having his brother’s support for her traumatic birth.

Im not sure what support that would be either other than a basic chat on the phone or the men going to the pub for a drink and debrief.

But the brother having no children and no experience of labour isn’t likely to be helpful at all apart from a back pat and a there there, there there. While thinking stop complaining you’ve got a wife and a healthy daughter.

Has the BIL ever been interested op? Forgetting sil what is bil doing or said?

Judging by the length of time the OP has felt resentment it suggests that her INLAWS had good reason to protect the SIL. The fact that the OP is convinced that neurodivergency is to blame is a bit of a red flag. It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story. Maybe her INLAWS have a greater level of empathy or have experienced loss themselves so they understand the dynamic.

This @Crwysmam thats exactly what batshit and rather cruel SIL is doing whenever she sees her niece Were you expecting her to have a meltdown or storm off? It’s sort of backfired on you.
how has it backfired? Well sad yes that there’s going to be no inlaw relationship, but what a relief to see the crazy before the ops dd form any form of relationship with them!

From how the in-laws reacted previously I’d place bets on the op and her dh being the ones missing out as the other brother and his wife seem to be the favourites.

But I wouldn’t blame op and her dh for keeping their child away from sil and bil.

Everyone deals with grief differently. I’m pragmatic and live by the rule “what will be will be”. But after miscarriage after miscarriage and in the middle of them losing my mum, I was not in a very good place. The thoughts that go through your head are totally irrational, I actually thought that if I got pregnant my mum might manage a few more months, determined to see her first grandchild. I hadn’t told her I’d had a miscarriage, my youngest DSis told me not to. I understood her thought process so kept quiet. DM guessed something was going on and weedled out of me. I didn’t drop my DSis in it but it took me a long time to forgive her for manipulating me. My DM was cross that despite her terminal illness I hadn’t felt comfortable telling her about my loss.

Sometimes we do things with the best intentions but without considering the state of mind of the person we are guiding/helping.

You may think it’s weird but pregnancy loss, particularly multiple pregnancy loss can do strange things to your mind. How you interpret other’s behaviour is often warped.

I suffered from post natal depression, it was the culmination of repeated losses including both my parents. My brain had had enough and I was having awful intrusive thoughts. I now have a lot of sympathy for women who suffer postpartum psychosis and end up killing their children. Similarly a throw away comment by anyone can have a lasting effect on your relationship with that person.

I remember one friend sympathising after a late miscarriage, she followed up with the comment “ but I have no idea how you feel because I’ve never had a miscarriage”. Normally this is a simple statement of truth, but to someone in the depths of hormonal grief it can be reinterpreted as “ I don’t know how you feel because my body doesn’t lose babies”. It’s totally irrational but loss makes you irrational.

Exactly.The catastrophising on this thread is ridiculous. The child won't know or care.

Would actually like to hear the other side of it. We dont know how sensitively she dealt with her.Sister in laws pregnancy losses.

Also say it's quite weird to be so close to a sister in law. Your actual sister for sure.

A SIL is someone your other half is related to. Don't need to become best friends forever with them.

My mum had 4 sisters and most of them never sent me a card or present my entire life. I dont care. I never have cared. Presumably these women had rheir own lives struggles and families.

One of the aunties that ignores my existence in childhood contacted my via Facebook in adulthood as she saw me on a friend's list from one of the cousins.

I welcomed contact from her and we began sending each other cards at christmas and birthday.

I had zero animosity whatsoever towards her.

Children make their own minds up. All of this hand wringing about a small child being ignored by her dad's sister is the adults emotions. The child wont care. There is an awful lot of projecting going on here.

It's frankly weird that the OPs entire pregnancy was spoilt because of one person.

Are you reading a different thread?

Your sil cares only for her own happiness not for yours at all. She would literally prefer it if you had been denied the chance to have your baby. It’s admirable that you are prepared to rise above this - if your sil allows you to do so. Just remember that she has not got your back so you would be wise to (surreptitiously) keep your guard up around her.

I think that, although considered a kindness, it was actually singling them out and making it clear that you thought they may ruin the announcement or your special time.

I think that's a deeply weird and unpleasant assumption, @Crwysmam. There's no suggestion whatsoever that the OP let her BIL and SIL know separately by text in case they 'ruined her announcement'. People in the OP's position, announcing a pregnancy to someone struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, often on here beg people to let them know via text so they can deal with their complicated emotions about it and not have to slap on a happy face amidst familial rejoicing. It seems to me a sensitive thing to do and not to come from 'Don't rain on my parade' but from a genuinely well-meaning thought process.

Honestly? I think this is one of those situations where one cannot control how someone else behaves but can control their own reaction to it.

In this case, if there is someone who won’t look at or speak to the OP’s daughter then it is important that they don’t have access to her. She will now be picking up on it and it won’t be doing any good.

I would be tempted to tell the MIL that you now won’t come to any events where the SIL will be because doing so harms your child. It’s a pity that the cousins won’t know each other but that’s about it.

Then stop. Don’t make any more effort with the SIL. If your husband wants to give a card and present to them for the new baby then that is up to him.

It’s outrageous how you are being treated, no matter the reason.

Your family should have spoken up for you and do your child. To ignore your child is unforgivable, especially now she has a family of her own.

(and yes. I’ve had late miscarriages and waited years for my family whilst everyone around me had theirs. I still would never have treated family like this)!

I've been on both sides of this. I had year of infertility, ICSI and I lost 4 babies (2sets of twins) I couldn't be around pregnant people, I couldn't be around babies. It was hard. It brought up so many hard feelings jealousy, inadequacy, sepf loathing, grief, to nane a few. It really was a very tricky time. I didn't attend my best mates wife's baby shower. I didn't see his baby until it was a toddler. I couldn't do it. I sent gifts but I couldn't manage all the conflicting feelings. My friends were great no one held it against me. I was on rhe edge of a breakdown what wiry all the treatment, medication, loss, D&Cs and trying to hold down a full time job in a bloody school full of kid.

On the otherside, I fell pregnant with my now 7 year old at the same time as my husbands niece. She announced her pregnancy at 5 weeks and later had miscarriage. Our babies would have been a few weeks apart. I felt terrible telling her I was pregnant. She never acknowledged my child and hasn't been involved at all. She recently had a baby. My H and I didn't even know she was pregnant. I don't really feel any way about it. I didn't send anything because we don't have a relationship. I'm not upset by any of it. I get it. I don't know the journey she had to have her baby and she doesnt know mine. No judgement from me.

But why do you keep insisting? Why keep approaching her?

I hate my SIL. She's always been a stirring bitch to me. Last year she said something that deeply, deeply upset me. The result was, and remains, that I cannot look at her. I detest confrontation, and when a dog had been kicked too many times, it either attacks or slinks away. I slink away.

SIL keeps trying to look at me, instigate conversation as if nothing happened. All I want is for her to leave me the fuck alone.

Your SIL has made it clear she doesn't want a friendship, so accept that, and leave her be.

At the end of the day you’re dealing with a person who is ND whose family were trying to manage her neurodiversity and prior trauma so I don’t think there’s a lot of point in bearing “resentment”. It is what it is.

Nor do I think there’s any point in making recovery from this dependent on whether B&SIL start acknowledging you. SIL may never behave normally. She may not actually be capable of behaving what you might regard as normal in this context.

I’d just focus on your own family and accept the weird dynamics in DH’s as they are. If that means you limit your interface with them that’s fine.

I know somebody who had a similar reaction - after an early pregnancy loss would not look at young children, any children, and would refuse to speak to family members who had young children. Interestingly that person is also on the autistic spectrum I’m sure, although I think it’s undiagnosed. It’s really difficult, I don’t know what the answer is! We want to be sympathetic, but there comes a point when some behaviour is very rude and hurtful even though we want to sympathise with someone struggling with grief. I’m still struggling with this person now; other issues but a similar pattern. How much do we tiptoe around in order to keep the peace, when it’s not always healthy for other people. The thing is, I don’t think this person has any recognition that their behaviour impacts others, and I think they would be really angry if this were mentioned. So I kind of feel there’s less ‘point’ in pointing things out to them, because they won’t recognise what I’m saying, and I will be on the receiving end of their anger.

I think your biggest mistake was to tell them separately so they could “process “ it. Having been in a very similar situation to your SIL I would have felt very hurt that you “prepared “us.
Your mind is all over the place after a miscarriage, often you have to grieve them alone and silently because you haven’t told anyone. I had 5 miscarriages, my family only know about 2 of them. I think if my SIL had specifically contacted me out of perceived empathy or kindness when I had just suffered yet another loss then I would have felt like they were gloating. I was irrational and grieving so processing the information at that point wouldn’t have been easy. I was lucky that my MIL told me, probably the only time she has shown real compassion. She was there for me and ready for the emotions it may stir. But it was done in private because only my MIL knew about the recent loss.

I think that, although considered a kindness, it was actually singling them out and making it clear that you thought they may ruin the announcement or your special time. I would find it offensive. Were you expecting her to have a meltdown or storm off? It’s sort of backfired on you. It’s perfectly normal to protect yourself from triggering situations when you are grieving so your SIL/BIL distancing themselves during your pregnancy was to be expected. I think if you’d experienced a miscarriage yourself in the past you may have had more empathy.

We delayed announcing my pregnancy with DS because it coincided with my BIL wedding. So I was nearly 20wks before we went public. The immediate family knew but I didn’t want loads of people making a fuss at the wedding. Fortunately I was 30 wks before it started to show. It still didn’t stop my SIL being a bit frosty. DS was a bit of a miracle baby and we certainly didn’t plan the pregnancy to coincide with the wedding.

My DSis and I found out we were pregnant at the same time, due within days of each other, unfortunately I miscarried. My DN was born on my birthday and nothing would have stopped me from spending the first couple of days with DSis and my DN. I don’t look at her and think about the child I lost but as babies my DS ( born a couple of yrs later) and DN were identical and were often mistaken for twins when they were younger. She is like the daughter I never had.

I feel for her OP, she obviously had some kind of breakdown. Don't take it personally. I don't think she treated you badly - it was more that ahe was in survival mode.

Bunnyotter1896 · Today 11:24
Her behavior is about her and her loss. She cant look at you or be close with you because she is hurting from her loss and seeing you pregnant must sting. In an ideal world she would have been able to be happy for you but her grief stopped her getting to that place. Thats forgiveable in my opinion. Life it too short to focus on the negative. Let it go for your happiness. For the cousins relationship. For the wider family. She didnt behave well but i dont think it was personal to you. It was because she was hurting. It wasnt deliberate. It was trying to cope.

nonsense. Are you saying @Bunnyotter1896 that you can be rude and cruel but as long as you have an “ah but..” everyone else has to dance around you and you can be as horrible as you want and tough luck to others, they need to accept it?

Actually I had multiple miscarriages over the 7 years it took me to have DS. I didn’t manage to have a much-wanted second. I never behaved anything like this, and do think it is appalling.

I think there is little doubt she didn't behave well.

But what we are talking about is how to respond - with a bit of understanding and a willingness to let it go, or leap on her post partum and tell her how it is.

At the end of the day it was just pure jealousy.

Tbh I think that is harsh. Pregnancy loss cause real grief, even if many people don't understand it. To say it was "pure jealousy" is really undermining that.

No excuse for shit behaviour for so long just because you were / are suffering.

I lived with my sister in parents house both were pregnant with me due 2 or 3 months before.

I went into labour at 6 months gave birth but baby girl did not survive more than a hour.

Obviously it was awfull for me especially living with my sister still pregnant and her giving birth a few months later but at no time did I ignore / treat her or badly

At least after all this time she & husband should be able to explain how she felt at the time and appoligise for ignoring you.
Leave them to it if not.

Speak openly about and you and yours anytime.