Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

Sounds like icing people out is something she’s learnt from her family as a perfectly normal thing to do over any upset.

I think that there are larger family problems at play and I would question the relationship between your sil/bil and their family otherwise

in normal families, no one would expect not to talk about your baby

in my family, I was bullied. What they’d do is act like they couldn’t speak about things for fear of me, and then make a big deal out of making me seem unapproachable when in fact that wasn’t the case and I had no idea they were all acting like this!

I would speak directly to sil and have it out with your husband and her husband there and no one else

just to offer a different perspective xx

also congratulations on your babies

Everyone’s happiness should be celebrated . The issue is everyone protected them including yourself and now off course you resent it .
I lost a baby at 13 weeks and 3 days after I had to celebrate my niece babies shower . I remeber looking at her bump and wanting to very non stop ( it was my 3rd loss ) but I never did because I knew I was wrong the moment I took away her joy . Her baby was on the way and needed and should be celebrated .
Thankfully I went on to get pregnant ( currently) again , those where hard times but we are not animals who don’t know what’s right and wrong

I don’t think she’s told the SIL about the friend doing IVF.

Something has jumped out at me from the OP’s last update. The wider family treated the SIL in the same way over some issue for a year? This isn’t just the SIL then, the family themselves are weird and unpleasant.

It's a tough one I understand your resentment towards them.
To not acknowledge their niece is out of order it's understandable they felt grief at their losses but not being able to be happy for someone your close to is poor it's not a competition.
I'd have to talk to them and say how they've treated you and made you feel wasn't fair .
If you don't you will always feel resentful ..

Maybe I have misunderstood but why did you feel that you had to tell SIL about a friend's IVF/pregnancy? Especially when they disrespect you like that and completely ignore you. I am sure she comes across very badly in social gatherings and people do notice. Did they even acknowledge that you had a baby and did they visit or send gifts at the time?

I hope your DH tells them that it's very rude of them to hurt both of you like that. And your DD hasn't done anything to them!

Well she’s the weird one, she’s not the only person in the world struggling, she needed to get over herself n learn to be happy for others. That is such embarrassing way to behave, if I were you, I would want nothing to do with people like that.

Yanbu. You can’t mention Anything today without reminding/hurting/etc. someone these days. But what about talking about parents? I lost mine young. What about being healthy? I had a potential life threatening illness. Yet no one pussy foots around me even though it can be very hurtful because people should be able to live - not rubbing it in other’s faces - just live!

It is sad for her, her reaction was probably worse due to the autism diagnosis. I don’t think I would want to speak to her again. I understand her pain and frustration but she has been horrible to you. She is lucky that you had a healthy baby or she’d have been the biggest shit going.

😂

I can see the Bridezilla analogy up to a point - and I definitely think baby showers can fall in that kind of category.

But I think it can be all too easy to dismiss fertility struggles and pregnancy loss, and I don't think comparing the sometimes erratic behaviour that can result from the heartbreak and anxiety involved to the "Me, Me, ME-ness" of Bridezilla-dom is really fair.

One of the reasons it seems a more recent thing is because back a couple of generations you simply bottled and buried any kind of trauma that involved your ... (whisper it: your "down-there bits.") I'm sure it manifested in different ways.

?

A wise summary I think op.

And I agree, the impact on your DD is the one thing that requires some sort of resolution at some point, either gentle contact while you all feel your way towards a more natural dynamic, or an explanation to Mil, perhaps, as to why you can't attend things together.

Good luck.

There is more and more carte blanche for people with fertility issues to treat other people like crap. I’ve got so many friends now who can’t properly enjoy their pregnancy because it all becomes very fraught with telling the other friends and family members. It turns into a whole thing to be managed. Of course, when these couples with infertility do get their pregnancy and baby, they expect everyone to celebrate with them and be over the moon for them. Obviously not everyone is like this, it seems to be the bridezilla types that then turn into this persona. It is the same behaviour.
OP, your SIL sounds extremely immature. It’s a shame you are now being singled out when you haven’t done anything wrong.

Have you been to see the baby yet?

I agree with this. It was rude of your SIL to behave like this and awful of you, but she probably couldn’t help it and probably made worse if she has ASD. I know how devastating it is to lose a baby. When it happened to me, half of all the women at work were pregnant at work. I just couldn’t be near them. I couldn’t avoid them entirely but missed all their leaving events, and was upset about this as I got on well with all of them but I knew if I went I’d just burst into tears. I knew I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together. Nobody would have known why either as none of them knew I’d been pregnant. I didn’t take much time off work either as it was awful being at home. I spent hours sobbing when I did take a day off sick. At least at work, I could try to keep busy, but had to sob in the toilets or go home early a few times! It was difficult to avoid pregnant women and talk of pregnancies and babies with so many pregnant at the same time! If it had been a close relative or friend who had been pregnant, I think I would have tried to avoid seeing them too but at least I could have explained. You clearly realised how sensitive it was, but I think your SIL should have explained that she would have to pull away from you, and then not met up as much. That might have helped you, but her grief got in the way so much.
You have a right to be really hurt. I think it would be reasonable to organise a sit down and try to have a talk about it. Say you realise it was a very difficult time for her / them but say you were really hurt by their reaction and couldn’t express the joy of your pregnancy. I imagine her pregnancy was full of worry in case they miscarried again. Say there was hurt and upset on both sides, and ask if you can all put it behind you? Ask if the cousins can have a relationship? Perhaps go from there? See what they say. I’d say one chance and if the conversation doesn’t go as well, you’ll have to leave it. It’s clearly bothering you, as it would and should, you say you were really close before so of course it’s upsetting. It’s such a shame. As it’s family though, I’d be trying to forgive her / them. Hopefully you can all have a relationship with the children / babies who have done nothing wrong and are cousins. I might be having a similar conversation with your parents too, saying how hurt you were that there was no joy expressed over your pregnancy.
Good luck.

It's their baby and future kids I feel for. They are going to have to deal with their DM running away from them when she's overwhelmed or there is any time of emotion or hardship. And their extended family are a bunch of rug sweepers.
Before anyone comes for me, I have LIVED experience. It's all well and good making endless excuses and exceptions for someone with ASD but the children will suffer. IL aren't going out of their way to rectify the situation for OP's child so SIL child will be no different.
Just step back and enjoy your lovely family, and maintain a cool distance for your own family's benefit. The outcome you want won't happen from these people.

OP I can tell you've tried to be kind to her, sending a text announcement for example definitely the right thing to do. However, I really think you've missed the mark with your resentment of her being able to have the experience you feel like you were denied. Pregnancy after loss is not an enjoyable experience, she might have been able to talk about her pregnancy more openly but I bet it hurt her to do so. Personally I found it extremely hard to even acknowledge my own pregnancy, let alone anyone else's. She probably spent each and every day worrying that she was going to lose another one. You may not have been able to share and feel your joy as much as you would have liked with the in laws, but presumably you were able to do so with your friends, your own family, your colleagues, your hairdresser, some random woman on the bus who asks you when you're due etc. and you probably got to enjoy your scans, your midwife appointments, decorating the nursery and preparing for baby's arrival. Your SILs previous experience probably jaded every conversation people tried to have with her about it.

I don't say this to say I can't see why you are sad, after all you lost a friend through no fault of your own. But resenting her feels hollow, just something to think about.

Yes, text is absolutely the best, and the best you could have done - and it works on a similar logic to the way in which SIL finds she can send a card to dc but struggles face to face.

To me, it is clear it is still costing her an effort that is beyond her because of her trauma. We could debate whether she has failed in some way in that she hasn't healed faster, but I definitely think there is no reason to take it personally.

It's frankly weird that the OPs entire pregnancy was spoilt because of one person.

I'd actually go a step further and say that it's a bit weird that other people's reactions - apart, obviously from the baby's father or maybe your parents - could ruin a woman's pregnancy at all. Surely this is about the joy of the life you are creating and about to meet, and not about the reactions of other people? It's almost SM'ish in its neediness for "likes."

I do understand that it would have been a lot nicer if there had been more celebration, more fanfare, more discussion of it in the wider family circle on that side of the family; but, with an understanding of why that wasn't the case, it seems to me a kind of "shrug and move on" circumstance. As another pp said, pregnant women generally get more interest from their own side of the family anyway.

Who are you including as "we" in that sentence? At my child's primary school, about half the parents grew up locally and are still geographically close to their extended families (we are not in that half). A fair few attended the school themselves!