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Original poster

Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

344 replies

TiredMummaChlo · 05/02/2026 10:48

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

OP posts:
JokerOfTwo · 07/02/2026 21:05

pottylolly · 05/02/2026 11:26

  1. Losses are different to IVF. And, quite frankly, you often have less emotional investment in your friends’ pregnancies compared to family. So you really shouldn’t compare the reactions.
  2. Your Sil has ASD and so she probably can’t do fake / polite interactions. I know I can’t. When my sil got pregnant accidentally after I had 3 back to back miscarriages I couldn’t even smile and wanted to leave immediately & I don’t even have ASD.
  3. Your daughter will always remind her of the babies she lost. So don’t expect a close relationship. I don’t have as close a relationship with one of my nephews for a similar reason.
  4. It happened 2 years ago. You do need to move on now. Nobody is entitled to or even gets a ‘perfect’ pregnancy experience. Do you think her experience was great? She probably worried about losing her baby every single day of her pregnancy & if she’s anything like me probably has SIDS anxiety too. Be grateful you didn’t lose any pregnancies & just move on from her.

This…. 100% this.

I will never understand if you are happy and your partner are happy why do you need the world to celebrate you, if you crave external validation then you need to self reflect.

Sudagame · 07/02/2026 20:57

Bunnyotter1896 · 05/02/2026 11:24

Her behavior is about her and her loss. She cant look at you or be close with you because she is hurting from her loss and seeing you pregnant must sting. In an ideal world she would have been able to be happy for you but her grief stopped her getting to that place. Thats forgiveable in my opinion. Life it too short to focus on the negative. Let it go for your happiness. For the cousins relationship. For the wider family. She didnt behave well but i dont think it was personal to you. It was because she was hurting. It wasnt deliberate. It was trying to cope.

I agree and am surprised how harsh some of the responses have been wrt the sister in law.
My DH and l both have three adult DC similar ages, from previous marriages, same gender mix too, Both of us have DDs 1 and 2 and a DS3.
Then tragically and without warning my DS died. Apart from the obvious heartbreak which was and still is at times like a physical pain, l found myself unable to listen to my DH even talking on the phone to his DS, couldn't bear him visiting us. Then after a lot of persuasion l agreed to attend his engagement party which l really struggled at and had to dash to refuge in the ladies on a different floor, to avoid breaking down in front of all our family and friends at one point.
It's hard to explain and l know it sounds like plain old jealousy or bitterness which are both ugly emotions, but it's more a feeling of having your loss 'rubbed in' and very very triggering to see a stark reminder of exactly what you've lost and have to be (or at least seem to be) happy about it as it's family when you're fighting to keep your composure.

daisychain01 · 07/02/2026 20:45

In life, always consider the alternative.

in this case, you have a healthy child and so does your SIL.

Try and set aside all the stuff leading up, you can't change your SILs behaviour nor the fact she was able to talk openly about it and you weren't. Let it go and move on, otherwise you'll make yourself miserable.

your SIL may take time to thaw and start behaving normally again, she probably feels a bit embarrassed that she didn't treat you very well. She wasn't that mean, she just couldn't cope with what was going on outside her situation. Don't expect an apology, that would be very difficult for her to even acknowledge how she behaved.

KHMum123 · 07/02/2026 20:44

It's a really difficult one - your pregnancy should have been celebrated BUT I've had 1 loss and it just about broke me - every announcement felt like a dagger and at one point I was struggling to even see strangers with babies - it has very complicated emotions attached and I'm sure she hated how she felt towards you. I think its a "draw a line in the sand" situation now you both have kids and try to move forward as a family.

Willowywisp · 07/02/2026 20:39

TiredMummaChlo · 05/02/2026 12:09

Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.

What you have done with your friend is exactly what I would like us to do. I would like us to talk about it (I am very doubtful BIL/SIL will do this as they do not readily share thoughts and feelings). Or at least, for us to build bridges by just speaking and acting normally again. This would absolutely heal things. I do try to say hello and make some small talk at events, but have given up really as it is quite clear she does not want to speak to me.

I just have a feeling that me and my daughter will always remind her of her loss. And I think the actively looking in the opposite direction, turning away, running away at family events will continue.

As others have suggested, I will speak to MIL/in-laws about this. Obviously I do hope that we can have a bit more of a normal relationship moving forward.

Show quote history

If your daughter and you will always remind her of her loss, to the point she can't stand to be around you, she seriously needs some professional help. Not being able to make efforts to overcome that or act normally out of sheer politeness is utterly ridiculous 2 years later. She needs a lot of therapy. A lot!

Isekaied · 07/02/2026 20:34

TiredMummaChlo · 07/02/2026 08:31

Thanks for your perspective, and I'm sorry you had an awfully difficult time by the sound of it.

I understand as far as you can ever understand another person's experience; it must have been and still continues to be very difficult for SIL to be around me. What I am saying is it was hurtful to go from friends to be iced out in an extreme way, e.g. Spending the whole of family meals looking left into the kitchen of a restaurant, rather than right in the direction of myself the whole family. I just wish an explanation had been offered, or something handled slightly differently.

One thing in your post, and a few other similar posts, stick out to me. You say "be thankful you only had a difficult birth". Hmm, now I get the sentiment... But that is a very strange comment to make. Be thankful for the preeclampsia, constant vommitting, hyponatremia for me and baby, hallucination, rushing back to delivery as almost had a stroke, baby being rushed to Nicu, blood transfusions, etc. Etc.

I personally wouldn't say something to SIL like "well be thankful you've got a baby now", as it's very invaliding of her experience and unkind.

What has stuck me in some of these responses is how some people expect empathy and kindness for one situation, but cannot express the same for another. It's mumsnet hey hahaa.

Like I said before.

YANBU.

You've obviously had a difficult birth and time. But no consideration was made for this.

But you've coped with it and come through the other end.

I would think about your own daughter and would try and avoid situations that may affect her adversely.

Think about yourself and your kid first.

Willowywisp · 07/02/2026 20:31

I've seen this a few times in friends. I think it's disgraceful and incredibly selfish. If adults cannot put aside their own upset and disappointment without taking it out on other women at their most vulnerable time and then taking it out on innocent babies/children, are they really emotionally mature enough to have their own babies? BIL/SIL are arseholes and I'd want absolutely nothing to do with them. As for the rest of the family that pandered to it and took away from the celebration of your pregnancy and child, I would be very vocal and open about your feelings with them about it. Just get it off your chest and then move on.

TheWorthyNewt · 07/02/2026 20:29

Ignore them, like they ignored you, your husband and daughter. They don't deserve you. True saying, you can pick your friends, not your relatives.

Teaforthetotal · 07/02/2026 20:05

Fearnotsunshine · 07/02/2026 01:13

For any woman who loses a child it is literally the end of the world - losing several I would imagine is soul destroying. When those around you are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and that's all you want, every celebration of a pregnancy feels like a knife in your heart. It's that simple. Very very difficult to handle emotionally - you think the world is against you. No amount of good will, support, flowers helps - it's all just a reminder of what you can't have - with no explanation.

I've always said - never celebrate a baby until you're holding it in your arms. There is no guarantee that you'll get to the end of the race - the prize can be gone in the blink of an eye.

No it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong but until you've walked in her shoes you couldn't possibly understand.

Hopefully one day she might open up and explain what she/they went through and why the family behaved like they did. Be thankful you only had a difficult birth x

@Fearnotsunshine I really think you should reconsider the last line of your post.

Teaforthetotal · 07/02/2026 19:47

You also don't have to have a close relationship with in laws. I have some whose behaviour i will no longer tolerate and I won't do it for the sake of the cousin relationship, playing happy families etc

ForeverTheOptomist · 07/02/2026 19:46

TiredMummaChlo · 05/02/2026 10:48

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

I'm so sad to hear that you have this experience. All I can suggest is that you just accept that you have done and said everything that you could, and that you have been sympathetic to their difficulties. You should be proud of the way in which you have handled things.

Teaforthetotal · 07/02/2026 19:45

Dollymylove · 05/02/2026 11:42

I would be swerving this couple permanently. Sad as it is, the world keeps turning. Women get pregnant every say of every week and equally their are many who unfortunately can never be mothers
But thats not the fault of the women who do get pregnant and give birth safely.
Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. Don't give them another thought

Absolutely agree. It's life, shit happens. Protect yourself and your child going forward. I wouldn't want this messed up behaviour to raise it's head again. Sad situation for them but they sound toxic.

WorkItUpYourBangle · 07/02/2026 19:38

Please don't be friends with this person she's a dickhead and so is your BIL. How is it your fault or your problem that she miscarried? So you were denied the right to enjoy your pregnancy because she miscarried? Ridiculous. The family are dickheads as well if they treated you that way. I'd keep away from the whole lot of them. Most people are selfish, annoying bastards now anyway. Just for reference I'm diagnosed autistic for many years and have had 5 miscarriages. 2 of them recently and I resent no one nor would I begrudge them their happiness over a new little life.

2O25 · 07/02/2026 19:28

The way you were treated was horrendous.You handled yourself very graciously. I hope you are able to forgive your SIL. Hoping what I read online may help:
"Anxiety and Fear of Response: If an autistic person feels anxious, uncomfortable, or does not know how to respond appropriately in a social situation, they may default to ignoring the person rather than risking an "incorrect" or stressful interaction. While it can feel intentional, an autistic person being "quick to ignore" someone is often a survival mechanism or a result of different neurological processing."

House12 · 07/02/2026 19:14

pottylolly · 05/02/2026 11:26

  1. Losses are different to IVF. And, quite frankly, you often have less emotional investment in your friends’ pregnancies compared to family. So you really shouldn’t compare the reactions.
  2. Your Sil has ASD and so she probably can’t do fake / polite interactions. I know I can’t. When my sil got pregnant accidentally after I had 3 back to back miscarriages I couldn’t even smile and wanted to leave immediately & I don’t even have ASD.
  3. Your daughter will always remind her of the babies she lost. So don’t expect a close relationship. I don’t have as close a relationship with one of my nephews for a similar reason.
  4. It happened 2 years ago. You do need to move on now. Nobody is entitled to or even gets a ‘perfect’ pregnancy experience. Do you think her experience was great? She probably worried about losing her baby every single day of her pregnancy & if she’s anything like me probably has SIDS anxiety too. Be grateful you didn’t lose any pregnancies & just move on from her.

Every word of this. ❤️

EvangelineTheNightStar · 07/02/2026 19:10

Grendel7 · 07/02/2026 18:51

She IS autistic!

Show quote history

And? That means she is supported in being cruel to op and her child?

Twinkletopz · 07/02/2026 18:58

Have you been to see your new niece yet @TiredMummaChloor is this thread to help you decide if you will or not? Or do you need to be invited by SIL? Have you send card / flowers / gift? Or are you holding off tit for tat?

Grendel7 · 07/02/2026 18:51

Lobelia123 · 05/02/2026 11:09

Why did everyone pander to her - sympathy and empathy are good, but to let one persons feelings control everything else is outrageous! I fully understand your anger.

She IS autistic!

Curryingfavour · 07/02/2026 09:29

While I feel for your SIL and it must’ve been extremely difficult for her to experience those losses ,I think it was completely unreasonable , hurtful and very rude of her to completely blank you at family gatherings.
I would understand if she didn’t contact you or make plans with you while you were pregnant and had a new baby .
But to behave the way she has done is awful .
When I was expecting my 2nd child my SIL wouldn’t look at me or talk to me about it and she already had a child ( had an uneventful pregnancy and birth too ) but had experienced a very early miscarriage when they’d tried for further children .
I never was , and never will be , the sort of person who expects a fuss made of me so it wasn’t that .

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 07/02/2026 09:00

TiredMummaChlo · 07/02/2026 08:31

Thanks for your perspective, and I'm sorry you had an awfully difficult time by the sound of it.

I understand as far as you can ever understand another person's experience; it must have been and still continues to be very difficult for SIL to be around me. What I am saying is it was hurtful to go from friends to be iced out in an extreme way, e.g. Spending the whole of family meals looking left into the kitchen of a restaurant, rather than right in the direction of myself the whole family. I just wish an explanation had been offered, or something handled slightly differently.

One thing in your post, and a few other similar posts, stick out to me. You say "be thankful you only had a difficult birth". Hmm, now I get the sentiment... But that is a very strange comment to make. Be thankful for the preeclampsia, constant vommitting, hyponatremia for me and baby, hallucination, rushing back to delivery as almost had a stroke, baby being rushed to Nicu, blood transfusions, etc. Etc.

I personally wouldn't say something to SIL like "well be thankful you've got a baby now", as it's very invaliding of her experience and unkind.

What has stuck me in some of these responses is how some people expect empathy and kindness for one situation, but cannot express the same for another. It's mumsnet hey hahaa.

Agree with you here Op

Original poster
TiredMummaChlo · 07/02/2026 08:31

Thanks for your perspective, and I'm sorry you had an awfully difficult time by the sound of it.

I understand as far as you can ever understand another person's experience; it must have been and still continues to be very difficult for SIL to be around me. What I am saying is it was hurtful to go from friends to be iced out in an extreme way, e.g. Spending the whole of family meals looking left into the kitchen of a restaurant, rather than right in the direction of myself the whole family. I just wish an explanation had been offered, or something handled slightly differently.

One thing in your post, and a few other similar posts, stick out to me. You say "be thankful you only had a difficult birth". Hmm, now I get the sentiment... But that is a very strange comment to make. Be thankful for the preeclampsia, constant vommitting, hyponatremia for me and baby, hallucination, rushing back to delivery as almost had a stroke, baby being rushed to Nicu, blood transfusions, etc. Etc.

I personally wouldn't say something to SIL like "well be thankful you've got a baby now", as it's very invaliding of her experience and unkind.

What has stuck me in some of these responses is how some people expect empathy and kindness for one situation, but cannot express the same for another. It's mumsnet hey hahaa.

OP posts:
Fearnotsunshine · 07/02/2026 01:13

For any woman who loses a child it is literally the end of the world - losing several I would imagine is soul destroying. When those around you are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and that's all you want, every celebration of a pregnancy feels like a knife in your heart. It's that simple. Very very difficult to handle emotionally - you think the world is against you. No amount of good will, support, flowers helps - it's all just a reminder of what you can't have - with no explanation.

I've always said - never celebrate a baby until you're holding it in your arms. There is no guarantee that you'll get to the end of the race - the prize can be gone in the blink of an eye.

No it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong but until you've walked in her shoes you couldn't possibly understand.

Hopefully one day she might open up and explain what she/they went through and why the family behaved like they did. Be thankful you only had a difficult birth x

FunnyOrca · 06/02/2026 22:29

I was in your SIL’s position but nobody knew. I kept quiet and was politely curious/a listening ear during SIL’s pregnancy.

I am so ashamed of who I became once the baby arrived. I just couldn’t be near them without feeling possessed by grief and despair. Listening to the PIL talking about the wonders of grand-parenthood was like listening to nails on a chalkboard. I will never have the relationship I should have with the nephew, but I’m trying to build one now. I have to say SIL has been incredibly kind, as I said, I didn’t ever say anything but withdrew as much as possible from them. I suspect she may have guessed. Since our baby arrived, she very much treated it as a clean slate, for which I am very grateful.

Evergreen21 · 06/02/2026 21:24

She is autistic and you are using that as a potential reason for her behaviour but what is your bil's excuse?

There is absolutely no excuse for ignoring your child and if they were to do that in front of her then yes I would have to speak to them about it. If your sil wanted to protect herself from pain by avoiding you whilst pregnant then I can appreciate that but it would be unreasonable of her to expect everyone else to do the same. I would have raised this with your parents in law early on in your pregnancy. Fair enough, they didn't need to do so overly in front of her but they could have shown interest and excitement in other ways.

I would accept that your relationship is never likely to be like it was before. You have your own lovely family and I would put all your energy into that. If you haven't met their dd yet or don't feel you wish too yet then don't. It isn't their feelings that always need to be considered. Just as they protected their feelings you are allowed to protect yours.

CruCru · 06/02/2026 21:05

TiredMummaChlo · 06/02/2026 20:48

No. The SILs parents iced her out over something, wouldn't talk to her, visit her etc.
Not BILs/my partners parents.

Show quote history

Ah, I see. Fair enough.