Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

To be fair - the SIL went out of her way to ruin the OP's experience of being a new mum so why should she expect any different?

That's what I think.

ETA Also, it is very common for people to grieve a previous loss when newly pregnant or a new baby arrives. It can be very hard for some people to not think about the baby they didn't meet.

I get that she didn't act perfectly and it was rude, but I just can't see that registering on the same scale.

Also are you about to blow this up right now? When their baby was born only last month?

Not the time surely.

I agree with all of this except I feel that while it'd understandable that sil and bil couldn't feel happy for op and her partner, there's still a very basic level of respectful behaviour and actually the way sil behaved is tantamount to bullying.

I understand WHY this was the case but that still doesn't make it okay. And now op is left feeling very hurt with no accountability taken by anyone who acted in a hurtful way.

To be honest op, I'd actually be inclined to reach out to sil and I would actually be honest and just say that I fully, fully understand that she was having a very difficult and painful experience and wasn't able to be available at that time, but that you felt a bit hurt by how she acted towards you and you would really like to move forwards and put that period behind you all and start making more effort with each other again.

I have struggled with fertility and loss at a time when a person extremely close to me was pregnant so I know how painful that is, but it does not give you a carte blanche to treat other people like crap. I think it's very fair for op to be honest with sil as long as she recognises the pain sil has been through and is focused on moving forward in a realistic way. I think we need to be more sensitive to women who are struggling with this absolutely, but we cannot essentially erase the experience of pregnant women in the process.

I agree and think this is very empathetic and shows real understanding of what she must have been going through - and she had other challenges in dealing with it.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm just not sure how you are making yourself the one hurting here op.

You have your baby. Yes, you are hurt but in her situation she was hurting and didn't have hers - and a lost baby is forever lost. Subsequent babies don't replace it like a piece of new guttering where the old one blew off in a storm.

Can you not just contextualise it for what it was - someone struggling to cope with a trauma?

I mean after all, you are essentially wanting her to just get over quite a big thing, so can you not turn that reasoning on yourself?

It just isn't worth it. It's obvious why she was struggling.

As another poster said - this is a catty response. Of course it was going to hurt that her SIL reacted like a twat and prevented that side of the family from celebrating her pregnancy with her. If it's a big deal to miscarry, then it's certainly a big deal to be giving birth. Can't have it both ways. Seems like you're projecting here tbh.

I’m really sorry OP. It sounds like SIL isn’t capable of behaving any better, but the whole family didn’t have to jump on board.

I don’t have ASD, but I am slightly traumatised by my BIL’s pregnancy. We had been trying, getting nowhere, and days before had found out I had advanced endometriosis and needed surgery and then straight into IVF the next cycle. Then my BIL told us his girlfriend of 5 months, who is 43, was pregnant. It seemed like she wasn’t really interested in him to start with and wanted to go it alone, but since then they are more formally together and the baby is due next month. I’d had other pregnancy news in this time (eg friends) and been genuinely happy, but somehow the shock of my BIL’s news allowed ALL of my fear I might be infertile escape and I was crying for 5 days straight. My husband didn’t understand at all and said “don’t be jealous” 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I still get really anxious before seeing her and often spiral afterwards. I turn up but feel wretched and cry afterwards. I would HATE for any of them to know how broken I am over it, so I go out of my way to be so nice to her. I’m about to do my first transfer and I’m already anxious at the idea of having to meet the newborn if it doesn’t work out. It’s just annoying that shock about THIS pregnancy is just lodged in my system and I get so triggered by it.

The difference I suppose to your SIL is that other than my husband, no one knows how I feel about this pregnancy and I put on a brave face. Today I decided though I’m going to pretend I’m away around the birth as it will be just too raw a time for me. I know I won’t give a damn once I have my own baby.

Probably not helpful me sharing this but it’s something I’m upset about today and this quite specific thread came up. My husband wanted to tell his family we were doing a transfer and I said no (then felt guilty for telling them that)

I HOPE your SIL feels the same way as me, just happy she now has her baby, and hopefully once her hormones return to normal she may appreciate you taking an interest in her baby and that may be the way to smooth things over / the cousins bond. I doubt you will ever get an apology or any sort of accountability from her or your in laws

Do you mean your PiLs haven't spoken to you or your child? Because I don't think it was unreasonable of them to not express excitement about first grandchild etc in front of her, that's very normal levels of consideration.

If they have since ignored you that would be unreasonable.

Agreed. It the SIL’s behaviour who is odd, not someone wanting a family to act like family. But then it’s MN, it’s like the upside down sometimes.

Seriously what is your own family like?

I would have just spent the time with my own family.
Celebrations, big birthdays, frequent visits to my parents and built family connections this way. I would not have bothered with them at all and just have distanced myself and my family from the lot of them.

She sounds very selfish and not someone you need in your life. A few early miscarriages doesn't make it ok to treat people like shit.

At the end of the day it was just pure jealousy. You having a baby had no impact on her having a baby. She just couldn't stand you having something she wanted. Very self centred.

Who said anything about living in each other's pockets? Is that how you view a friendship?

Honestly I find your aggressive response really odd.

Perhaps you should display some of that maturity. A small child was ignored because adults can't control their emotions.

He tried but because of his position in the family as the youngest his words don't carry much weight.

He is obviously used to being ignored and not having his feelings taken seriously.

I guess if he had been treated the same as his sister and had every emotion pandered to they wouldnt have dared to treat his family this way and as though his child doesn't exist.

But instead her husband has got used to the bad treatment and developed his own coping strategies, something sister in law has never had to learn as she has been pandered to her whole life.

I agree to an extent. My PILs were totally unimpressed when we told them I was pregnant with DS — they thought I was far too old at 39 (MIL had DH’s eldest sister at 18), disapproved of us not planning to have any more (‘an only is a lonely’ is literally the first thing MIL said), and thought there was too big a gap from their other grandchildren, I was ‘unmaternal’ etc etc. Then both DH’s sisters went into virtual mourning when I found out I was having a boy (something I was perfectly happy about), because they couldn’t imagine not having a daughter.

But you know, I was having a baby for myself, and DH, obviously. I didn’t need prolonged demonstrations of familial delight. Other people’s stuff is their stuff.

@TiredMummaChlo
In a nutshell, your SIL is actively ignoring you and your child.

You need to protect your DD. If her DAD/your DH won't say/do anything, then it really is entirely up to you.

Speak to MIL - tell her everything. Add that you will not bring your DD to "family" events if SIL persists in her behaviour.

SIL is autistic, so? That does not allow her to intentionally ignore her niece, or you. That's just plain RUDE.

They would have one final chance, and after that, there would be no futher visits to any of DH family.

Your job is to protect YOUR DD. Make sure that your DH knows that his DD is his priority here and you won't back down.

So as I said, she’s better best ignored. This will be no loss for OP.

I’d also never want someone round my child who ignored them.

Vile, no matter what is going on.

I have contact with family.Thank you.And so does my partner, but we don't live each other's pockets

There were still this thing called adulthood and maturity. You move on and live your own adult lives and meet up with family.As and when you don't constantly live in their pockets, as if you never grew up. I find it weird families that do that.

Also one person had mixed feelings about you having a baby.

You presumably had your own friends.Your own family and other people share your news with.

If you took one person's negative reaction and let it colour your entire pregnancy, then i'm afraid it's a matter for you. That does seem an extreme reaction.

This response is batshit and frankly just catty.

You may not have contact with family but that doesn't make it weird or abnormal for others.

in an ideal world of course it would go like that. But I am guessing the op wants to sort this out because she posted asking for advice. The op might be prepared to be the bigger person - she may want family events to be less stressful or for the cousins to play together. If the op has asked for advice on how to sort it out - people telling her it’s her s’n’laws job to sort it out but clearly the s’n’law is not going to. So op has a choice - leave it as the status quo or try and sort herself.

I genuinely don't understand the level of enmeshment some families have.

My partner sees his sister at christmas easter and mother's day, possibly. I see her even less as I dont go to their mother's day celebration for their mother.

Meal cinema and board games night sounds over the top and suffocating.

They're her parents, not yours. Parents are always going to be closer to their daughter than their son's wife. Sorry it's just the way it is.

Also do you have any idea how hard multiple losses of pregnancy are?

What was it you wanted for your child? Around of applause every time, a bow? What? Your husband or partner?Sister doesn't have to like you and doesn't have to be involved in your lives. Cards at birthdays are enough.

Totally understandable for SIL to feel what she feels but I would not expect it to extend to ignoring a whole new person for two years!

If she didn't have her baby would she have just ignored you all for life??!!

As someone who struggled with their fertility and suffered losses, I think your SIL and BIL have behaved badly towards you.

I (and my DH) went through a phase when family, friends and colleagues were falling pregnant and having babies. Some had their first, second and sometimes third and we were still trying for our first.

Everytime there was a pregnancy announcement I would suck it up, smile and congratulate them. I was genuinely happy for them, why should my struggles take away their joy.

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to move on. Going forward, surround yourself with people who make you feel good, who love you and your daughter. Life is too short to be around those that make you feel bad about yourselves.

The selfish sil is the one that needs to make the apology and build bridges!
what’s the op to build a bridge about? Having the audacity to get pregnant first?

I agree. Not discussing ‘having the first grandchild’ at a party within earshot of a woman who has gone through multiple miscarriages is just common decency surely?!

I can’t see what her husband’s parents had done wrong apart from be tactful? Unless they haven’t congratulated them privately, then what is the issue?

Do people really spend parties discussing and expressing joy over a pregnant woman? I’ve never seen this, even with family and friends. It’s usually, ‘I’m pregnant’, then ‘congratulations, when is it due’ and that’s about it. I’m guessing this announcement would have happened in private and not at a family party anyway. Your family can call you and ask how you are, or see you individually, but why would you do this at a party when a woman who has had multiple losses and has additional diffuses in processing and expressing feelings? It just seems a bit selfish to expect that at a group gathering.

Why is all this aimed at the SIL? Surely it’s between the brothers and their relationship.