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Original poster

Am I going crazy? Little scenarios that my bf makes me feel like I’m going crazy

168 replies

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:31

My boyfriend and I have been absolutely fine and happy for a year and a half.

He cheated on me last November by kissing someone else. It broke me. When I found out he completely tried to turn it around on me accused me of possibly speaking to another guy. There has been times he seems very jealous but then he back tracks on it. So if I go out with friends he messages me through out the evening and then has before asked me if I pulled!? He’s also been funny with me about my male gardener who he says in the past and before his cheating he thinks I fancy or I flirt with him, there isn’t we just get on.

I don’t need relationship advice I think I know what I need to do (leave) I just need advice on whether I’m going crazy or not or this is actually how I am seeing it.

So for example….
My boyfriend was working yesterday and I was off for the day. Yesterday the gardener came at 9am for his regular maintenance in garden, I said hi made him a tea and then went to my friends house for a coffee at 9.30 and was there until 12, she doesn’t have good signal in her area, so couldn’t message bf in that time. I went home briefly, I messaged my bf in reply to his message asking how my day was at 12.20 and then I accidentally (and it really was an accident) left my phone at home while I quickly went to Costa to get myself some lunch (I don’t do this often just a treat as I was off for the day) When I got home I had a few messages from bf so I called him. He was fine but a little off with me, he then mentioned he had been in the area of the house in the afternoon but couldn’t let me know because I hadn’t responded to his messages, it was a random statement. He then questioned me about the gardener and it felt a bit off but then he changed the subject so I assumed he accepted what I had said. Later on I messaged him and said do you believe me about the gardener situation and he replied saying
“No I don't believe you but it's fine xxxxx
All morning I didn't hear from you from when he got to yours that’s suspicious xxxxx”
I replied saying I was at my friends house in the morning and didn’t have signal and then I went to Costa and left my phone at home. He said
“You were definitely shady today xxxxx you never forget your phone.”
I replied saying I did forget my phone. And I wasn’t being shady.
He said “It’s fine just be honest xxxxxxx I wont be bothered xxxxxx”
I replied saying I was being honest and then I sent him my driving app map as it shows where I’ve been in the day so showed that I had been at my friends in the morning. And I showed messages from someone I had bumped into at Costa as well.
Then out of no where he then says “I was only joking with you. I believe you. Just messing with you”

Now little things like this happen often where he back tracks but I don’t believe he was actually joking in this moment. I think he fully was trying to get me to admit something and didn’t believe me. And then when I provided proof he then backtracked so he didn’t look jealous!? Am I reading into this? Or was he actually joking!?

It’s little things like this happening often that are starting to make me feel a bit crazy. I know it’s only a small scenario but it’s often things like this happen and it makes me feel horrible being accused of things I haven’t done.

OP posts:
Sparklinggreen · 05/02/2026 09:27

His behaviour is not normal, and doesn’t sound like he’s right for you

SteelMaiden · 05/02/2026 09:25

Life is not meant to be this hard, do yourself a favour and move on

ArrghNoJustNo · 05/02/2026 09:24

@Confusedlady600

To answer the only question you asked: NO, he wasn't joking. You were reading him right. He does backtrack so as not to seem like he was jealous and insecure and making you jump through hoops to prove your honesty when he isn't honest.

You said you don’t need advice and you already know what to do, which is leave. You'll be messing with your mental health if you stay.

Also you may not want to know that to anyone, that day DID infact come off as suspicious. So even if it wasn't him, someone else wouldn't have believed you. You didn't do anything wrong but it did seem like you did until you showed proof.

But that’s not the issue, the issue is that you're right and he's wrong. You're not crazy.

InterestedDad37 · 05/02/2026 09:23

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:35

When he does things like this, is he actually joking!? Or is he just being controlling and jealous and then backtracking when I’ve provided proof of where I’ve been.

Show quote history

He's being controlling. Massive red flag 🚩
Get rid!
(And if you're feeling brave enough, tell him the gardener is good with his dibber)

nomas · 05/02/2026 09:23

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:55

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. I think I definitely knew what you all or saying but I just needed confirmation that I’m not over reacting or going crazy in thinking this isn’t normal behaviour.
When I find out about him talking to another woman and kissing her he completely turned it around on me and from that moment on I’ve been on high alert and I’m wondering how long he’s been subtly doing this without me noticing. Then lately its been loads of these smalll scenarios which add up.

Please dump him, his manipulation and then the fake xxxxxx were giving me the heaves.

ClimbEveryLadder · 05/02/2026 09:20

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:35

When he does things like this, is he actually joking!? Or is he just being controlling and jealous and then backtracking when I’ve provided proof of where I’ve been.

Show quote history

Sweetheart you know the answer to this

(for avoidance of any doubt 100% he isn’t joking and you should leave him)

DreamingOfGeneHunt · 05/02/2026 09:19

Life is too short and too precious to spend it like this.

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2026 09:17

DARVO is a manipulative tactic, an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, commonly used by abusers to evade accountability. When confronted with wrongdoing, the perpetrator denies the behavior, attacks the person confronting them, and reverses roles to claim they are the true victim.

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2026 09:16

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:35

When he does things like this, is he actually joking!? Or is he just being controlling and jealous and then backtracking when I’ve provided proof of where I’ve been.

Show quote history

He’s a jealous insecure controlling wanker who goes full DARVO when you call him out on his twattery.

Please get out now - this won’t get better

Devilsmommy · 05/02/2026 09:15

When you have to show maps and messages to prove where you've been it's time to get out. He's a complete cunt and this will get worse. Sorry

VacayDreamer · 05/02/2026 09:15

This relationship is no good for you. I think you know deep down it’s not right for you. Moments of being happy are easily achieved - but if the spaces in between cause so much angst, the relationship isn’t good for you long term. It’s difficult but throw this guy back in the pond

Chicaontour · 05/02/2026 09:15

Gaslighting

HowAmYa · 05/02/2026 09:15

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:55

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. I think I definitely knew what you all or saying but I just needed confirmation that I’m not over reacting or going crazy in thinking this isn’t normal behaviour.
When I find out about him talking to another woman and kissing her he completely turned it around on me and from that moment on I’ve been on high alert and I’m wondering how long he’s been subtly doing this without me noticing. Then lately its been loads of these smalll scenarios which add up.

My heart goes out to you. You did not deserve this at all.

But the wonderful thing is you can see it now.

Get away and be free. And there’s a million women on here who will help you get through it. You’ve got this.

Mapletree1985 · 05/02/2026 09:14

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/02/2026 09:06

When my boyfriend was cheating on me he accused me of doing the same and was constantly checking up on me if I was out on a night out without him, checking I was home at a certain time but he said it in a way that he was concerned about me and my safety. I know now since he admitted cheating that he was trying to deflect from his own cheating.

Yes, that's a well-known red flag: they accuse you of what they're doing themselves, so as to keep you on the wrong foot.

mypantsareonfire · 05/02/2026 09:13

Life too short for that bollocks.

Just fuck him off.

rainbowstardrops · 05/02/2026 09:13

He’s cheated on you and he has the cheek to practically accuse you of cheating! Yeah, bin him.

BlueJuniper94 · 05/02/2026 09:12

He sounds a horror

How does someone who writes posts like this have a gardener?

Mapletree1985 · 05/02/2026 09:12

Others will have said this, but I'll say it too: you feel like you're going crazy because he is making you feel that way. He's making you feel that you're a guilty person who can't be trusted and who constantly has to prove her innocence, when the one who can't be trusted is him. This is a classic case of gaslighting. He is a controlling bastard and you need to break away from him. The so-called love you feel you get from him (your reward for doing and being what he wants you to be) is just another tool in his arsenal of control. You should never have to apologize or explain for leaving your phone at home when you go to the shops. My god!

Lose the bastard. Reclaim your freedom.

nevertoolater · 05/02/2026 09:12

When he says ‘just messing with you’, he’s telling the truth! He’s messing with your head in order to keep you insecure and twitchy all the time. That’s not a healthy relationship on any level. Sorry OP.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/02/2026 09:12

InALonelyWorld · 05/02/2026 08:51

Another vote for absolutely LEAVE. I've been here OP, everything was blamed on me. From his mood and behaviour to his cheating and actions (or lack of). It was not a nice relationship and eroded a lot of self esteem i had. Cheating was excused by the reasons that I was likely doing the same and he just couldnt prove it (i was not). I, too, once left my phone at home by accident when I was in a rush to get to work, albeit we had been arguing over text and the break from it all was needed, but I was never able to live that down. I was accused of not going to work and instead being off having an affair, when I proved my movements he then spinned the narrative to I must have purposely chose to ignore him then because that was the part he knew i couldnt prove. It got to the point where I was having to almost record my entire movements and interactions on a daily basis, in great detail to verify everything but it still didnt stop. Any retaliation to this behaviour by me was also met with "it is fine", "I wouldnt be bothered anyways" which ultimately is probably true because it would only feed into and evidence his own narc narrative of what he expected of you anyways.

It took a long time for me to rebuild my self worth and to trust my own mind again, please make efforts to leave. It wont get any better.

I agree with all of this. My boyfriend was jealous and controlling yet he’d justify this behaviour to me. My best friend at the time found out and warned me to be careful but I’d never had a jealous boyfriend before and thought I could handle it. I ended up in a right state, I had eczema flare ups on the back of my knees caused by stress (it went away after we broke up) and I had to see a counsellor and have Prozac after we broke up as I kept on crying and my confidence was on the floor. My best male friend saddled me why I didn’t tell him about this behaviour and I admitted that I just couldn’t tell him about it. That’s what these men do, erode your confidence and leave you at rock bottom whilst controlling you. I even had him try to dictate what I wore and to try to dress more like his mum in coordinating outfits.

Gloopsy · 05/02/2026 09:10

Why does it matter?

You say in the OP that you know the answer is to leave.

Why waste your (and our) time with dissecting it all?

orangemapleleaves · 05/02/2026 09:09

Leave. He will cheat again, guaranteed. He thinks you're cheating because he assumes everyone is as slippery as he is. He's already hurt you once, and that's one you know about. Leave.

INeedAnotherName · 05/02/2026 09:08

He isn't joking. But would you really stay if we all said he was? His behaviour is making you unsure, unsettled and unhappy. All are good reasons to leave a relationship. Just walk and don't look back.

viques · 05/02/2026 09:07

🚩X 100.

LavenderBlue19 · 05/02/2026 09:07

You shouldn't need to send someone map evidence to show where you've been. You are allowed to not answer messages, to leave your phone at home, to go wherever and speak to whoever you want.

You are not crazy, but you need to end this. You already know he's cheated, why stay? You don't need to put up with this. Think how much easier your life will be when you don't have to justify yourself, or worry about how he'll take things.

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