Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

Maybe the timing wasn't ideal but I would let his persevere for maybe a year or so and set a realistic goal of a time by which unless he isn't making [x] he goes back to paid employment.

How do they persevere for a year or so with no money? They can't eat perseverance.

DH was already running a business when we met, but then expanded largely into another sector which meant we had to sell our house to fund it. We moved house when I was 9 days post C section - not recommended and lived with my Dad for 6 months before moving into a tiny flat above the business premises. We had a small amount of savings that paid the bills but there was little money for anything else and truthfully it was a miserable 3 years before the outlay had paid off and DH was bringing enough money in for us to have another mortgage. He had been putting in 14/16 hour days by this stage making it impossible for me to work.

However I did trust him completely in the process as he was already running the business successfully - and the investment was 100% the right thing to do as we're now reaping the forward for it. I'm not sure that I could have trusted him doing something unproven.... like a complete start up. I would set a deadline for which he has to put this dream down and face reality.

If your money is going to run out soon then you'll obviously have to look at claiming benefits - or what are you going to live on. He can claim UC as a self employed person but there will be expectations that he makes money from it after the min income floor is lifted

Nailed it

The fact he voluntarily gave up a paid job while you were on mat leave is insane. He needs to get paid employment and pay you back half of his bills for the last year to replenish your redundancy pay. It would be different if he was made redundant but he is just a selfish twat.

The plans were poor though not to factor in that risk or have any savings buffer. And according to the OP's later post, he presented her with this plan in the midst of her dealing with the new baby so she was more trusting of him than she should have been. Blaming it all on the redundancy is short-sighted, shit happens and that's why most responsible guys don't give up their secure job when they've just become a parent to pursue their dreams with no savings.

You're in the situation, he's taken the plunge and it sounds like he might make a success of the business. Maybe the timing wasn't ideal but I would let his persevere for maybe a year or so and set a realistic goal of a time by which unless he isn't making [x] he goes back to paid employment.

It's definitely possible to work long hours in a stressful job with kids. I've done it throughout IVF, birth etc for my kids who are now 2 and 4 with only a few months mat leave each time. You just need to be focussed, determined and resilient. Get up before kids, work, have an hour or two fun with them when they wake, get them to childcare, finish work on time at 5/5.30, have a couple of hours fun with the kids and then work again. To make it possible, husband will have to do more than a fair share of life admin and work until he's hopefully bringing in more money and everything possible can be outsourced.

Your redundancy changed things, he needs to accept this and both of you need to make a new plan to get income and perhaps later he can revisit his business idea.

THEY were thinking it would be alright as OP was working
but the redundancy has been thrown into to the mix unexpectedly that has thwarted the plans

Over 70% of businesses fail in the first 3 years. I really don’t understand why so many men put their families in these precarious financial positions when they have babies and small children. Seems rife on MN.

OP has no idea if the business will be successful. She only knows what he's telling her, which so far has landed her unable to pay the bills next month, so I wouldn't set too much store in the DH's hopes and dreams until there's tangible evidence that what he says will materialise. My cousin has started several businesses that were okay for a while but he's now bankrupted and his family have had to move in with his elderly parents, which has messed everyone up. This is the flipside of the romantic 'we just had to hang in there on bread and water and candlelight for a couple of years and we're now millionaires', and unfortunately the business failure is often the more likely scenario, especially with no wealth to act as a safety net when investors and clients get flakey. Time is a luxury that this DH literally can't afford. If this February funding doesn't come through, he needs to work and pay the bills and plan a lot better from now on.

@Grammarninja how could anyone know if it’s just a matter of time though? Until the moneys in the bank, it’s all hopes and assumptions.

Also, the economy isn’t what it was. Picking up a successful business model from another country;

1. markets are different, countries arent always working with the same culture, budgets, technologies, infrastructure.
2. we’re on the cusp of another technological revolution with AI. Lots of markets that thrived 5-10yrs ago in another country could now be eaten up by AI
3. if it’s a good business, the chances are another large company is already rolling it out quicker than this guy who is working solo with zero funds.

Im not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. There’s a 15month old at home who needs to eat and have a roof over her head. Bills are very high now, the risk is very high. Bankruptcy/losing homes/ going without necessities isn’t great.

It’s wonderful it worked out for your parents but they are outliers and grew their business in a different time.

You keep saying should you be more resilient. Is this what he's said?

So he hasn't got funding or a product or savings and he hadn't made any money?

You cannot be resilient if you are worried about funding the basics. I had this with my ex who accused me of being "money mad" because I worried about the bills being paid when we had a tiny baby.

Bankruptcy, I guess.
I think it all depends on the business. A restaurant, for instance, has a high chance of failure. I wouldn't be putting all on the line for that.
Bringing something that has been very successful in other countries to a new country, is a bit different (what my parents did) as it has a proven 100% success rate elsewhere so it's really just a matter of time.
If it's a case of time, I think it makes sense to go for it. What I'm understanding from Op is that it will be successful but time is the potential problem.

He massively let you down. He's been extremely selfish. You carried, birthed, and cared for HIS child and now it's on YOU to financially support everyone and cheer him on?

Why the fuck did he choose this fucking moment to quit???? Quitting before you even went back to work and without savings for at least a year was extremely irresponsible.

The business better fly soon or I'm afraid I'd never forgive him. The stress he has put you under, you won't forget.

The only way I can explain it, when he finished the business plan and I read it (more proof read it,) when our baby was quite young. We had so much going on, I can’t remember what he said about personal savings and how much he would have. The emphasis was on me returning to work and covering the costs.

He had in the plan to expect to receive different funding in different months and this meant I could work 4 days a week. Obviously this hasn’t worked out.

Ok so 2 things here. This is not a business plan this is a man being supported by his wife, going back to work very quickly after having had a baby and with no real plan in the alternative. The fact that it is vague about how much personal savings he has (uncertainty that seems to have been born out by the facts) suggest that it may also have been slightly misleading.

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt I don’t think I could really respect someone who expects his wife to go back and support the whole household so soon after giving birth. On any level there should’ve been an objective thought going through his own head here that he should’ve waited until you were well established back in your career.

Secondly, if this was the basis of his in “business plan” there were two important things that changed. The first was that you were made redundant, the second was that the funding he expected to receive did not materialise. If this was the business plan then it was on him to go back to it immediately and come up with an alternative, such as the ones suggested on this thread, like him working at weekends picking up consultancy work or something else to bring in an income. It was really foolish to wait for another five months (by my calculations) until your money is literally about to run out.

As others have said this is not about resilience, it’s about him taking advantage, and possibly neither of you being business people.

What happens to the children and families if it doesn’t come good though? For every successful business there’s lots that fail, especially in today’s economy.

Get paid work both of you. Now. Save money and then your savings cover a years expenses your husband can have 9 months business adventure to see if it can work- if not retur to paid work.
What you are doing now is bonkers.

Why can he not build his new business around a paid job? That's what any sensible person would do. Currently he is a financial drain and is not contributing - or is he an amazing stay at home dad type who mops the floors while baby is in a sling?

Who’s caring for your child when you’re back at work full time and he’s busy working on his business? If nursery, who’s paying for it and doing the drop offs?

Okay so if he's now given you dates in Feb that investment will arrive then that's the test of whether this is real or bs and if the money doesn't materialise when he's said, and it reverts to being 'next month' or 'next few months' you have 100% right to flip/put foot down/draw a line and he has to get proper paid work. The bills need paying. If his funding doesn't cover his share, he needs a wage from other work. Hold him to the dates he's promised today and don't be swayed. By the end of the month, either he'll have enough to pay the bills or he won't and you'll have a very clear answer on whether his plans can be trusted.

What does the business do?

I am fucking infuriated on your behalf.

He feels he'll be too old if he didn't do when you were pregnant? Honestly you should have been saying that's tough luck, you should have done it before now, now you have to wait. You're going to have a child relying on your income (and yours as you believed at the time, not your fault you were made redundant).

This is the ultimate in selfishness. He's risking your home, your lives, to pursue something that after half a year is not turning a profit!

No wonder he is not getting any investment, he'd be turned away for a bank loan to support this venture that is so woolly it just relies on "investment to develop a product - by the way I need to work full time on this". What exactly is he doing with his time?

He needs to get a job, or you need to get a job to support your family. If that means he has to give up this hobby (because at this point, that's what it is) then too bad. He is a grown adult, with a family. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that this dream of his trumps everything else.

I’d be inclined to support him still. Women and mums are often more risk averse so they will
all be offering from this perspective. It not a hobby and he is in the trenches but if he is in incubators has some intention letters id give him some more time. But he may need to pick up some evening work for extra income to supplement yours.

you are currently in a trough and it sucks to have to step up when you’ve just had a baby. But he hasn’t acted unilaterally it was agreed on this timescale with full knowledge of pregnancy and mat leave. The redundancy threw in a spanner but you can make it work together. Keep the lines of communication open so the resentment doesn’t build.

the start stages of building a business are really rough but if it goes well it will be worth it and youll come out the other side stronger.

he should’ve had bloody savings though!