Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

the only space for a more understanding is that you both had plans and in reality i guess had a sort of strategy but fate intervened. It wasnt your fault you were made redundant but it also wasnt his either. But shit happens. If you each end up pulling up the drawbridges and argue about how you once had an agreement - you will find yourself on opposite sides. The question though is how do you as a couple manage life when shit happens and plans have to change. In a way - what are your absolute red-lines and what can you compromise on but also be prepared for this to have consequences.

It's no use to say well I had a dream or (s)he promised...because that's sort of irrelevant by now. Are you prepared to go back to full time work and give him two/three years before trying for another child? Can you live with that? If not, can you live with telling him that he does indeed need to park his business and revisit it once the kids are older - in practice it might mean that it never happens - and either he gets over it or continues to resent you. The point though is that you are in this together because shit happens and not because either of you are bad people or arent doing enough for each other. But how you address and deal with it may indeed make or break you.

There is no surprise you feel resentful. I sounds like you were vocal about your expectations, he was too to certain extend but there was lack of clarity of what it means for you as a family to start a business.

Give yourself time to grieve for life you hoped for and be kind to yourself. There is a lot going on and if you need to reach out to a sister in law, just do it because that may actually save you and if not you gave it the best shot.

It’s unfair to expect you to bail him out constantly with his fledgling business that is costing money instead of being profitable.
You are have been throwing good money after bad.

He has only the one argument….ok I’ll close the business then… just to shut you up as he knows you won’t agree to being guilt-tripped.
He doesn’t want to do a realistic long term financial plan for the business plus the household because he knows it proves he’s over-relying on you to keep both ships afloat.
He doesn’t want to see things the way you see them as that means accepting he has failed so he keeps up the pretence …at your continuing expense.
Don't allow that to continue on any further.

You need the evidence of a long term financial plan in order to persuade him to take notice….to persuade him he needs to do paid work alongside trying to launch his business. Do you have access to any of his business details, loans etc in order to produce a rough plan yourself ?

You must consider separating your financial affairs completely, before going back to full time work as soon as possible. Do not let him drag you down any further.

Look after you and the baby only.
Do not support him financially in any way OP, unless he can prove to you that he is working hard and that he can prove by way of bank statements that the business is definitely taking off properly and that he can meet demand.
I don’t think he will be able to do that.

Again, a lot of pressure on you!
What is the plan re all the half terms and holidays ? Will he be able to cover those?

You are not being dramatic. You are married to a selfish, unsupportive man who has put you under huge financial pressure for no good reason.

Am not sure what the third way would be. It seems that you want to have someone to rely on because you want to step back from your career and be ore present as a mother so you need the other person to step up. He needs someone to rely on because he currently wants to focus on his business and needs the other person to step up and bring in the money. So it kind of is between you having a bit of a less stressful job and being a mum versus the business. Realistically your dream of what you hopped it would be like just isnt compatible with him and his attempts to do his business. So one of you will have to compromise or let go....

Have you asked him how he imagine financially next few months? Including nursery and other outgoings?

Maybe your last post addresses the issue- you focus on you and the baby and treat him for time being as a satellite? I know it is hard, but apart from wrotting a letter and giving it to him I don't know how you can get to him. Overexplaining yourself does not mean you will be understood.

His attitude would really make me want to not help him and not support him with his dream to be completely honest.
If he succeeds you will hear how he managed to do it without your support as you just kept nagging about needing money to live and if it doesn't succeed it will be because you didn't do enough.

Is there anyone he would listen too?

What would happen if you said ‘I agree you should stop the business. I’m thinking about leaving you if you don’t’?

How about writing him a letter with all concerns and arguments. Bulletpoints so he can appreciate your thinking, where you are coming from? The other thing is that you need flexibility, baby will go to childcare and soon will be off with colds and fever. Your husband will have things lined up I bet, won't be able to help but with a new job you will be in bad position too.

It is massive mental, financial and emotional load for you and you cannot be in survival mode for a year!

The third option would be what can he do alongside the business to bring in some additional income.

You can't do it all on your own and you need pragmatic solutions that aren't all or nothing.

You need him to work out what the minimum number of hours he needs for the business at the moment, what temporary work could go alongside that.
What are is your minimum monthly expenditure and how many hours work do the pair of you need to cover that.
If you do need to work more hours what can he do to pick up the childcare of your child.

It seems to be that the biggest problem is you aren't working as a team and when yours backs are against the wall in a relationship it then now that you need one another to have your backs. At the moment it seems like everything is down to you and that's not fair and it's not sustainable.

Why is it down to you to get a higher paid job to prop up a failing business? It really isn't.

Have you had any income from the dwp yet?

Thank you so much again for all replies. I can't reply to all, but have read them..

Just to say:
@GoldDuster You're living off your savings and they run out in a month. You're not over reacting. You're under reacting and dismissing your own warning alarm in your efforts to cheerlead his decisions. Yes - thank you. Thank you for highlighting this, along with others. I didn't really see it like this, but this post has helped me realise xx

@pinkdelight I'm sure this is not the vision of your DC's early days OP dreamed of yet she's supposed to be resilient and endlessly support his dreams. The redundancy is a red herring I feel, as he can point at it and say 'if only it wasn't for that...' but women returning from mat leave is a known risk factor and his lack of savings, back-up plans and real world nous are the real problem. Yes, not what I envisaged 🙏