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Original poster

Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

341 replies

NurtureGrow · 05/02/2026 08:11

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

OP posts:
8268768xc · 25/02/2026 17:26

he started a new business at a time when she had a job......maternity leave or otherwise. that wasnt a reckless thing to do - that was sensible. the trouble is - she lost the job and now they are stuck

scottishgirl69 · 25/02/2026 17:25

8268768xc · 25/02/2026 17:24

@scottishgirl69 i think it depends on them. they can decide that the business is not viable right now and give up on the idea or she decides that it's a blip and gives him a year. it's sort of up to them. however, everyone is assuming that a) he is wilfully doing this - when in reality they had a plan but fate intervened; b) she is not happy with him giving it up or her stepping up and getting the job.....a team usually works on the principle of to each according to their need, from each according to his ability.....

He gave a job up to start this business while she was on mat leave. He's put them in a precarious position. They are weeks away from going under

8268768xc · 25/02/2026 17:24

@scottishgirl69 i think it depends on them. they can decide that the business is not viable right now and give up on the idea or she decides that it's a blip and gives him a year. it's sort of up to them. however, everyone is assuming that a) he is wilfully doing this - when in reality they had a plan but fate intervened; b) she is not happy with him giving it up or her stepping up and getting the job.....a team usually works on the principle of to each according to their need, from each according to his ability.....

NoisyViewer · 25/02/2026 17:23

he needs fo get some kind employment, even if that’s evening or weekend work to bring in some kind of income

Iamnotalemming · 25/02/2026 17:20

Your DH needs to find time to do a little bit of something to bring some money in. Even if during evenings and weekends. If you are a team you need to work together to get out of the problem. He is burying his head in the sand.

You sound very low OP. And your DH is away next week. Can you go and visit family or friends for a few days, or invite someone to come and stay with you?

scottishgirl69 · 25/02/2026 17:14

8268768xc · 25/02/2026 16:43

Having been married a long time....a partnership in a long marriage isnt about being equal and fair all of the time. It's about being a partner to the other person i.e. being there for them in what they need with the assumption that it all evens out in the end. Maybe this isnt a situation where you can both have it the way you thought it would be at the same time. That doesnt make you not partners. It means that you take turns in compromising because you understand that the other person needs it.

In our case, at times, I was the one who has carried the full financial responsibility for our household in the past, whilst at others, my partner left his sector so that I could succeed in mine.

They are apparently very close to going completely under financially and she was made redundant when she was on mat leave and they are struggling badly - how do you think this is going to be resolved?

Julietta05 · 25/02/2026 17:03

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:52

Yes, it seems to be lose lose, that's why I'm having real difficulty finding a solution. There is the fact that in the start-up world you can't work alongside, but I do think he could do 1 day a week contracting until more money is coming.

Next week he is going to be away all week.

Show quote history

For me, a mother of two, is striking that you are meant to find a job that would be high pay, flexible and near enough for doing drop offs and pick ups (because he will be away a lot), puck up all of the household load. I don't even mention any illnesses and time off when baby is unwell.

8268768xc · 25/02/2026 16:43

Having been married a long time....a partnership in a long marriage isnt about being equal and fair all of the time. It's about being a partner to the other person i.e. being there for them in what they need with the assumption that it all evens out in the end. Maybe this isnt a situation where you can both have it the way you thought it would be at the same time. That doesnt make you not partners. It means that you take turns in compromising because you understand that the other person needs it.

In our case, at times, I was the one who has carried the full financial responsibility for our household in the past, whilst at others, my partner left his sector so that I could succeed in mine.

Merseymum1980 · 25/02/2026 16:40

I have a small business, it took a long long time to even pull a proper wage and now with tax ,ni and payee recent changes its becoming so crippling i have considered looking for a normal job.
My friend has had her business since 2016 and has had to fold too for this reason. Really tricky time for small businesses, he may have to get some evening or weekend work to subsidises or take on some delivering kind of work but run through his business account (He needs to speak to an accountant about this).
Just seen you may be getting some uc , after i think 12 months they change it to minimum income floor(sorry i dont know the amount etc) even if hubby isnt making that thus reducing what you get.

Crikeyalmighty · 25/02/2026 16:38

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 16:07

I think what he doesn't understand is how much things change when you have a child... they are now my priority.

A little while ago he said 'I had changed, and was no longer ambitious.' Which was so disappointing and exhausting, obviously it's not true. But we had a baby.

Actually I think it’s him that’s unambituous - ambition is great , but needs to be combined with income-he needs to get a regular job even if it’s a warehouse or similar and build up his other thing around that when he’s off - my H had a day job and also an extra job for 18 months when we had a baby ( luckily in same industry)- he worked till 9.30 at night many evenings and 4 or 5 hours at weekends and eventually the extra job earnt more than the day job - at that point he went freelance and 2 years later I joined in with working in it - we are now 22 years down the line

scottishgirl69 · 25/02/2026 16:28

This. There's no reason why he can't work

scottishgirl69 · 25/02/2026 16:27

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:00

It seems down to me, because the only other option is he stops. And I will not tell him to stop, as I don't want to be responsible for that. He says he'll see after a year, but it's a struggle already.

Yes, I am receiving some money from DWP now. It will only be for a couple of months if I find work to start in March...

Edited
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He has to stop before he pulls you completely down financially. It is completely selfish of him to even think he can carry on like this for another year

His business is not working and not viable and he needs to get a job. Please stop making excuses for him. He's dragging you down - you and your baby

PardonMe3 · 25/02/2026 16:26

He want to make you responsible for his failure "ok, I will stop the business then.'
He's manipulative. There is a middle ground. He can get a job and do his buisness around that. Most people work a paying job alongside their start up. Realistically, if he fails it will be your fault and if he success it will be his success.

scottishgirl69 · 25/02/2026 16:25

NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:28

We will survive with this income he's got and I must find a new job in March/April otherwise our 30 hrs free funded childcare will be lost

Show quote history

He needs to find a job! He's completely selfish!

Figuringitoutjustus · 25/02/2026 16:08

My STBXH did this to me…his year has turned into 5 and is ongoing. I ploughed everything I had into the family and now he could get half of it.

A business that doesn’t make money is a hobby.

There a millions of people that would love to quit and work for themselves, they can’t because they take providing for their families seriously.

YANBU.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 16:07

I think what he doesn't understand is how much things change when you have a child... they are now my priority.

A little while ago he said 'I had changed, and was no longer ambitious.' Which was so disappointing and exhausting, obviously it's not true. But we had a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 16:01

Hankunamatata · 25/02/2026 15:59

Assuming you both discussed agreed to give it a year?

Then bit bemused why you didn't start job hunting when baby was 6 months old.

Because when the baby was 6 months old, I had a job to go back to after maternity leave. I did not need to look for a new job at that time. I had a 4-day a week quite highly paid job. My industry has taken a massive hit with the mess in the US and I have not been able to find that again yet. I am applying for delivery driver jobs or anything now.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 25/02/2026 15:59

Assuming you both discussed agreed to give it a year?

Then bit bemused why you didn't start job hunting when baby was 6 months old.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:55

MrsLizzieDarcy · 25/02/2026 15:54

I think you need to stop calling what he's doing a business. Because it isn't. It's a project at this stage.

You've got the patience of a Saint OP, I'd have lost it with him a long long time ago.

Thank you, he doesn't seem to think I have...

OP posts:
MrsLizzieDarcy · 25/02/2026 15:54

I think you need to stop calling what he's doing a business. Because it isn't. It's a project at this stage.

You've got the patience of a Saint OP, I'd have lost it with him a long long time ago.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:52

Heronwatcher · 25/02/2026 15:47

The only solution he comes up with is 'I'll stop the business then!'

Call his bluff. Say yes you should stop the business, it’s not working. I agree.

But honestly, is it really worth it? It seems to be a lose lose situation for you, either you have to shoulder all of the financial burden and be “resilient” or you have to be the bad guy who kills his dreams and puts up with his horrific sulking no doubt.

I still don’t understand why he can’t develop his business whilst earning income elsewhere, even evenings and weekends. Is it really so “all or nothing”?

And I’d bet he’s going to be totally shit about childcare when you go back to work.

Yes, it seems to be lose lose, that's why I'm having real difficulty finding a solution. There is the fact that in the start-up world you can't work alongside, but I do think he could do 1 day a week contracting until more money is coming.

Next week he is going to be away all week.

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:50

@8268768xc I agree that 'how you address and deal with it may indeed make or break (us).'

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:49

8268768xc · 25/02/2026 15:42

the only space for a more understanding is that you both had plans and in reality i guess had a sort of strategy but fate intervened. It wasnt your fault you were made redundant but it also wasnt his either. But shit happens. If you each end up pulling up the drawbridges and argue about how you once had an agreement - you will find yourself on opposite sides. The question though is how do you as a couple manage life when shit happens and plans have to change. In a way - what are your absolute red-lines and what can you compromise on but also be prepared for this to have consequences.

It's no use to say well I had a dream or (s)he promised...because that's sort of irrelevant by now. Are you prepared to go back to full time work and give him two/three years before trying for another child? Can you live with that? If not, can you live with telling him that he does indeed need to park his business and revisit it once the kids are older - in practice it might mean that it never happens - and either he gets over it or continues to resent you. The point though is that you are in this together because shit happens and not because either of you are bad people or arent doing enough for each other. But how you address and deal with it may indeed make or break you.

Given my age, I don't think we can wait 2 or 3 years to have a second child. It should be now really, but latest early next year. If we didn't have that pressure it would also change things. I don't think I can live with telling him to park the business... I'd just like him to take reasonable adjustments so it isn't so unhappy for me. I.e. him doing nothing on the house is not sustainable or happy. I guess naively, I just really wanted a partnership (don't we all!) and that isn't happening now. I feel I have become an assistant to his project. It's not him, me and our baby now. It's him and his business / and me and the baby as well.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 25/02/2026 15:47

The only solution he comes up with is 'I'll stop the business then!'

Call his bluff. Say yes you should stop the business, it’s not working. I agree.

But honestly, is it really worth it? It seems to be a lose lose situation for you, either you have to shoulder all of the financial burden and be “resilient” or you have to be the bad guy who kills his dreams and puts up with his horrific sulking no doubt.

I still don’t understand why he can’t develop his business whilst earning income elsewhere, even evenings and weekends. Is it really so “all or nothing”?

And I’d bet he’s going to be totally shit about childcare when you go back to work.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 25/02/2026 15:45

Julietta05 · 25/02/2026 15:40

There is no surprise you feel resentful. I sounds like you were vocal about your expectations, he was too to certain extend but there was lack of clarity of what it means for you as a family to start a business.

Give yourself time to grieve for life you hoped for and be kind to yourself. There is a lot going on and if you need to reach out to a sister in law, just do it because that may actually save you and if not you gave it the best shot.

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Thank you @LAMPS1 and @Julietta05 for being so kind. I know many, many people who successfully manage to work 5 days a week with children, it's a privilege not to. I just always said 4 days or less and didn't expect this level of stress. I was very clear about that.

OP posts: