To feel the loss. Twinless twin

I'm a twinless twin but mine happened in adulthood. I also have my own twins but my heart still aches for my sister

DM was an identical twin. Her twin died shortly after they were born. DM was baptised when she was just a few hours old because they didn't think she would survive. It was pretty miraculous that she did as she weighed less than 2lbs over 80 years ago.

DM never spoke about the emotions of not having her twin but often spoke about the fact she was a twin. I think DM would have loved to have had her twin by her side throughout her life.

@Ella31 I'm so very sorry to hear of your terrible loss. Heartbreaking.

Sorry for your loss, OP. You are definitely not unreasonable.

I didn't lose a twin, but twin siblings and another sibling in mum's late pregnancy/as infants and the loss has stayed with me all my life. I started to feel a bit more in acceptance of it and then I lost several babies of my own which I have no doubt was made worse by the earlier grief. It felt combined. I rarely talk about it because not that many people around me IRL understand the impact.

Sending you love.

@Ella31 I'm so very sorry for your unimaginable loss.

DS 1 is a twinless twin, and I wasn't even aware until my identical twins were born that was the case. Apparently at his birth it became apparent thst he had had a twin that had died during the second trimester but had not caused a miscarriage at the time. This was in the early 1980's before regular scans were very the norm. During the whole pregnancy I didn"t have a scan.
When I gave birth to my twin boys, one of the midwives was reading my records and told me, I was shocked at the time, but the apparent "illness"that I had during the pregnancy made sense then plus the panic during his birth, and why all these medical students traisped in to look at the "afterbirth".
DS 1 is aware but never really says anything about it, I think he is a little envious of the close rrlationship his twin brothers have.

Oh I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little boys xx

I am so sorry that your parents handled it like this.

I am the mother of a twinless twin, and of course her sister.

Angel DD was born late enough to be identified as a girl but too early to be registered and the focus was on making sure DD made it. So she was never named.

I told DD about her sister when she was about 7 and she asked what her name was. I had to explain that she didnt have one, so DD named her. Her name is Mary. DD thinks of her on her birthday, as of course do I and we both feel that loss. She said to me at her graduation that she felt the loss very keenly that day. Its not a daily thing but she does feel that there is someone missing.

In short, YANBU. DD told me that she has met other twinless twins since starting uni and working in schools, you really are not alone xx

I’m a twin less twin. We were identical and I thrived and she didn’t in utero. I always feel like I killed her even though it was unintentional etc
she died and both twins were delivered. I also feel a huge sense of sadness and loss I truly believe my mother treated me differently as well as a result - a mix of blame that I didn’t enable my twin to thrive too and gratefulness that I survived and she didn’t lose both.

My mums twin died at birth and she always said the same.

I'm not a twin but I am a mom to identical twin baby boys who died two years ago. My little 1st twin was born sleeping and my second boy died three days later in the NICU.

What you are feeling is pure love and loss for your sister. Are you part of footprints twin loss group on facebook? It's private and They welcome all types of twin loss. You will meet like minded people there. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

I think it’s likely that at least part of your sense of loss is from it not being well handled by your parents, and your complicated feelings being dismissed. I’m sorry, OP.

https://lonetwinnetwork.org.uk/

https://www.ataloss.org/more-info/bereavement-services/twinless-twins

I think there is a charity that supports twinless twins. Twin here too, I am sorry for your loss and the life and relationship you might have had.

DD2 told me there is a support group for bereaved twins online.

That’s sad. I’m sure there must be some psychological research papers about babies who lose their twin at birth or in the womb that could help you pin point how you’re feeling and why.

I’ve read a lot about adoption and there’s a theory that is pretty common where people feel something is missing, a yearning feeling and a sense being out of place even if the person doesn’t know they are adopted. It’s to do with the mother / child bond being broken. People seem never to quite be completely happy, even if they’ve gone on to have wonderful loving parents and brilliant childhoods if they were removed from their birth mother when tiny. It must be something like that. Natural. Not your choice to feel the way you do, and very understandable.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Rather than feeling guilty, can you try and reframe things in your head? You need to live life to its fullest for both of you. Then every day you make the most of will be a tribute to your sister.

This is heartbreaking OP. I know your mum must have been dealing with the grief herself but you are allowed to grieve just as much. It sounds like your mum couldn’t handle anyone else’s pain in addition to her own.

Your feelings have always been valid and i’m sorry you grew up thinking they weren’t. She was your twin sister. Sending hugs and so much healing xx

It actually hurts my heart reading this. I’m so sorry you’ve felt a piece of you has been missing all your life and for how you didn’t get the chance to speak about it when you were young.

I can only imagine feeling the same way

I’m so sad for your loss 💐
I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to feel sad.

Yes, I had a brother who did not survive, I’ve always felt like something was missing. I have twins myself now, and my husband is also twin.

I'm so sorry, @Chickencuddle , you are neither unreasonable nor crazy.
I'm not a twin, but mum to identical boy twins, and I see every day that, although they are each a whole person in their own right, they are also each part of a greater whole.
When you were first conceived you were a single embryo and divided into two. You were literally part of each other. Of course you feel the loss of your twin. That doesn't mean you can't live well and have a happy life as a surviving twin, but it is a loss, and you aren't wrong to feel it that way.