To feel the loss. Twinless twin

Dd2 is a sole surviving non identical twin - we knew during pregnancy that her twin had a lethal heart defect; She lived for 24 hours. It was very traumatic but we had time to mourn for her before she was born. Then at 3 weeks dd2 nearly died from very severe bronchiolitis.

I always feel that she has double the personality - which was a bit challenging as a toddler. We're very lucky that we have four beautiful surviving children. Spme years it gets to me on the day she died, other years less so. Dd2 is 30 now,

I'm sorry you feel your twin's loss so much. I'm sure talking about it on here on in real life may help. It's hard for parents to know what to do - back in the day people didn't talk about it as much. I always find writing it down cathartic.

Much love x

My twin sister was still born. 56 years ago. I still think about her on big birthday's (21st, 40th) . Agree it feels like a bit of me is missing. Sending hugs x

You spent 9 months as close as possible to her. It makes sense that part of your brain would yearn for her. And there may be Facebook groups dedicated to this if you want others who have been through similar.

And also there’s a fair chance your mum was told to be grateful for what she has, when she actually felt devastated.

It’s very sad to read the impact it had on your relationship with her.

And of course yanbu you grew in the womb with your twin, and then she wasn’t there.

I can’t imagine how difficult it must for you @Ballycastle

OP I am a twinless twin. My twin was born with a health condition, she survived an operation but then sadly caught an infection during recovery. At least that is my understanding it is very difficult to draw my parents into a discussion on any topic. I just got told it’s not my business but of course it 100% is.

It has profoundly affected my life but I have come to realise not so much from my own grief (and the complexities around whether I’m “allowed” to grieve) but from the ramifications of having parents living through trauma and being the type that don’t believe in “mental health”. They definitely took their grief out on me, and I for a long time I believed that I was responsible for her death. Nothing I do is ever good enough (in my eyes). I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety alone since I was a young child (only getting help this year in my 40s). I felt it was my responsibility to be a happy, healthy child for my parents (and this effort has never ever been appreciated or understood, just criticised).

Today I know that it is not my fault, I “do the work”, but I am hard wired to believe I am not good enough and that is hard to overcome.

I often feel alone in the world, but I can’t tell you I wouldn’t feel the same if she had lived.

You feel how you feel OP. This happened to you too, you have been robbed of something. But you also need to come to a point of acceptance and live a full life for yourself and your own enjoyment of life. Don’t forget your responsibility to yourself.

Are you known for being this much of a twat?

Nasty. Have a word with yourself.

Don’t be a shit.

What an awful thing for you to say @feelingsarentfacts

I’m a twin less twin. I wasn’t told about it until I was old enough to understand, but my mum said that even from a very young age, I used to put everything in pairs- toys etc.

Ive always felt like something is missing in my life.

My brother, now in his 70s, said the same about his identical twin who died at 4 months old.

You aren't alone.

You are not crazy. When I look at the bond twins have, even as newborns, I can see how such a loss would be extremely painful. Did you know that twins interact with each other, even in the womb? They hear each others’ heartbeat and touch each other through the fluid.
Apart from that, the shock and grief of your mother upon the passing of one of her babies will have caused a shock to your very little and vulnerable nervous system. She may have had very confusing and distressing feelings at that time which have not let her concentrate on bonding with you.

Yes ,I am
So mum was pregnant and my dad beat her up and she lost my twin ..but kept me .
It does make me feel like something is missing my whole life .

It's perfectly natural that you feel like this, OP. And I'm sure your feelings are compounded by your mother failing to acknowledge your loss.
💐

I'm a twin. My parents nor gp were aware. It was a home birth
Fifteen minutes after me my twin was born. I think she has resented me all of her life.
Twin borns are deep.
Our DM miscarried twin boys 10 years later.
I often wonder about them.

I can imagine how this feels but she is by your side in spirit

I'm really sorry and it's not crazy my Uncle(on my mum's side)was a twin but my nan lost his twin when she was quite away along with the pregnancy and my mum(his little sister)often thought that he carried quite a bit of sadness with him,it was kind of acknowledged within the family bless him and no one thought it was weird we all felt sad for him and my Grandparents.

Definitely not crazy. It's a tragedy that your twin died, and your life has been a different life from how it would have been had she lived. It's a big loss. I think it's lovely that you think of her.

Maybe she's watching over you!

Loss is loss, is loss. Have you had a chance to process it OP?