To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

Him getting 1 weekend a month to spend quality time with the 2 of his children he doesnt live with is a good thing. It's important that they get to spend time just with him.

If he has a problem with that simply because its too much hassle for him to take care of them, he'd be a pretty shit father, wouldn't he?

That's what id be saying if I were you.

‘We only have the OP’s word…..’ sums up the nature of mumsnet. We only get one side of the story. It’s like a first person novel where we have to decide gradually whether the narrator is reliable or not.

And he'd be quite happy to co parent all 4 of his children every other weekend but half the time the OP is taking the two younger ones away with her by choice. We only have her word that he doesnt pull his weight on those weekends. He probably wants all his children to know each other well but at the moment the OPs actions mean all the kids are together only one weekend a month. I dont get the impression is doing this for the young childrens sake, it just suits her.

laughing at his suggestion that instead of you letting him free to focus on his older children, you should go on a weekend they aren't there and let him free to focus on himself.

One weekend a month seems reasonable to me. If it was every time your stepkids visited it would be different.

You have one weekend all together. Two weekends just dh you and your kids and one weekend where he gets to spend time just with his older children. I suspect the older children will enjoy that weekend.

If they arrive on a friday evening, I'd probably wait to travel on Saturday morning so you see them and all the children have a bit of time together. I know there is a gap but these are your children's siblings so building a relationship between them should be a long term goal.

Because the OP has two children and her fella has four children. So he has an awful lot more to do, parenting wise.

Do this.
what a lazy arse you've married

I think it’s a good balance, I disagree with both weekends as to me that looks very ‘us vs them’ and they wouldn’t see you as a sm at all just ‘the lady and kids that live with dad’

Oh I could not agree more that he’s a chancer. A cheeky fucker, in fact. This is a man who has sired four children!!
Totally fine as a suggestion until you very sweetly make it clear that you will also have a child-free weekend every month. Only fair.

The OP got with him in the full knowledge he had these kids. I hate it on mumsnet when its all the mans fault. The OP presumably chose to have the two latter children wirh him . So why is it all on him?

I think it’s fine letting his dc have 2-1 dad time once a month for a whole weekend. He can actually parent.

I wouldn’t agree to his you go alone on a weekend he’s home alone. That’s just him opting out of any parenting again

In fact op to make it fair you personally should go twice a month.

Once with the children and once without so he can do 2-1 with each set of his children. Just like you also do 2-1 with your dc once a month.

Then it’s one weekend all together and one weekend just you, dh and your shared children.

perfect.

😂😂😂 What a chancer!

Isn't it funny how his suggestion only benefits HIM.

You keep doing what you're doing. It's beneficial for your children to have a good relationship with your side of the family, and he may not realise it, but it's also beneficial for his children to have lone time with their Dad.

This is purely down to him wanting you to be there to cook and clean up. The Prick.

But the children get no real opportunity to spend any time with their half siblings. Thevage gap is an issue but in later years thry may not appreciate the divide up for parental convenience.

If a bloke has 4 children with different mothers it will always be a conflict of priorities. He will have to suck it up as he caused the issue

More than reasonable.

He spends time with his kids, your kids get to see your side of the family.

Is he unimpressed because you're not there doing the work? Tough.

Going against the grain here but I'd make sure I still saw the step kids enough to have good connection. Someone I know well had a similar routine to yours but very sadly the step kids mum died very suddenly after an accident. The step kids moved in full time and she realised that only having seen them once a month for the last two years meant it was even more difficult to blend the family together. It nearly broke her marriage but they just about got there. Now she sees all the kids getting on well togethet because they see each other rather than two teams passing each other in the hallway on Friday and Sunday evenings.

He's not that bothered about that on the weekend where he has his all dc together though. He still goes off with his older kids.

I suspect OP is right, he enjoys OP doing the grunt work.

OP, it's not your job to facilitate meals and tidying for DH and DSC, he should be doing that.

Well he has to parent his own DC like the rest of us. Of course he'd prefer you being there so he just can do the fun stuff.

Why should the little ones miss out just so you can do all the grunt work on your own? I think I'd take them away more.

You're already comprising by only going once a month.

Here's a compromise for you: leave all dcs with DH so he can have everyone under the one roof so you get to do what you want, as well as taking the DCs to your family on a w/e when DH is child-free.

That's fair. But I bet he won't think so 🙄

So basically OP, you are at home with your own on the alternative occasions that the DSC visit? Have I got that right?
Sounds acceptable to me

Your DH seems to want everything (you doing the work, him having all his children under one roof) at your expense.

I'm sure it must be nice to have all his children under one roof and he gets that once a month, you're not depriving him of it.

His choice to have two different families doesn't mean he's entitled to special provisions especially when you also have family you want to spend time with.

When does he expect you to spend time with your family?

@Estebanjo I can see two sides to this. I completely get why you want to go back and see friends and family, however it’s also important for your two little ones to spend family time with their siblings, even if it’s just at meal times and chilling out for parts of the day. Could you maybe vary it a little, so one month you go whilst your SC are visiting and the next month visit on one of your SC free weekends (your husband doesn’t even have to always go with you if he doesn’t want to)? That way they are only missing seeing their siblings once in a 8 week block.

Your DH however shouldn’t be leaving you to do all the grunt work, that needs to be addressed separately.

I think that as long as all the children spend some time together once a month, thats fine