To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

These two teens have 2 half siblings on their dads side; 2 half siblings on their mothers side; and 2 step siblings as well as that. Your dh may forget about one big happy family- this is an extremely difficult situation for them. Blended families are frequently awful for some of the kids

"I have, repeatedly, made plans with DH to do ‘family days’ but SC complain their way through it and ask not to do it again. In my opinion DH does permit too much rudeness from them, but it’s very hard to put your own house rules onto kids who don’t live with you and can vote with their feet. Ultimately DH wants them to keep coming so he can see them."
Ah. 'Disney Dad'.

I think I would point out to him that at their mum's they again have the much-younger half-siblings, and maybe there being no half-siblings, just their dad - maybe the "vote with their feet" would lead them to HIS door and not their mum's? You already said in your OP that "I suspect [they] enjoy having their dad to themselves", which I agree seems most likely.

"I think one of the reasons DH doesn’t like me going is he wants her to see us as a functional and happy family and me not being there ruins the facade a bit."
Then put it to him that the three of them together form a functional and happy family? Especially if he introduces the 'functional' a bit more by them being a normal family, where they participate in the cooking and the chores together. That he is their parent, and he needs to parent them, not just entertain them until they return to their 'real' world. He has to make himself their real world - and that world should not be one where the woman does all the grunt work and the man is a Disney Dad trying to be liked.

I remember people saying on here, that they didnt like the experience of not seeing their father without his new wife when they were children.

So they have half siblings via both parents and have little ones around all the time

I get why dh wants a weekend just them to do adult /teen stuff and you taking younger kids away makes sense so he can spend time with them 121

but also nice for them to spend some time

do you have to stay

can you drive there and back on a sat

or drive Fri night. Stay there and drive back sat so all 4 can spend a Sunday together before they go home @Estebanjo

@feelingsarentfacts I phrased it badly, I don’t think it’s the op’s job to ask those questions. I don’t think wonder if the their Dad is doing emotional parenting or support of his older DC.

He seems to believe that they should be a nuclear family when the DSC are there but has he ever asked (drawn out via commentary and reflection) why they would like. It’s also ok to ask people what they want, doesn’t mean they will get it.

Have you asked the DSC what they would like to more of/less of?

Has anyone told them that the little ones love them and asked them to marry some time for them when you are altogether?

I suspect the DSC quite enjoy it when it is just them and their Dad, sounds like they need quality time with at least one of their parents.

You have two wee people and thankfully your own family in X. Do what works here and now for your unit (own oxygen mask first) and DH will cope. Sounds like only one arrangement and could all change as year’s go on that it isn’t working for is him. Tough be my view.

Because he has to feed his children and also pick up after them etc which normally op is there to do!

He has to do the domestics while OP is away.

I probably would alternate months so you’re not always going on a weekend they are there.

You may think they don’t care but when they are older they’ll realise you went out of your way to not spend time with them, and they would be right. Surely you know how important it is to just spend time? Also, how are the kids going to build a relationship if you always take them away? This will have serious consequences.

Your husband is the issue here - the way you guys are approaching it isn’t functional at all.

This is such a good point. He has created this situation and its up to him to fix it, not for everyone to bow to his will.

That’s on him. Where is all the effort he puts in to make weekends with his kids there a family weekend? They should see him cooking and have him tidying up with them. Instead he takes them out to have fun and leaves you to look after the younger two and do all the work. He can’t give them this happy family environment because he isn’t willing to put the work in.

I’d keep doing it and just keep saying - it’s important that sc get some 1:1 time with you.

So your kids only see their half siblings once a month? Yeah I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable. You have two other weekends a month to you back to your home town. The issue about chores and childcare during the weekends you have your SC is a different conversation.

Are your little ones enjoying the trips to X with you?

So far it's been all about how the SC and DH feel.

I would keep doing it. The only person who does not seem to like it is DH. And he is not the only one that matters.

As a compromise, could you leave Saturday morning and do a family night with the SC on Friday night?

DH also needs to reframe it in his own mind as being one on one time with his DC and a time of peace for them away from younger siblings. He can be using the time to teach them to cook (nice quality time in the kitchen together) and planning outings that are not feasible for younger siblings. He could even take the SC away for a mini break from time to time.

My biggest concern would be that one or both of your DSC are interpreting this as you intentionally leaving with your DC for two of their four days per month at your house. I know you said they seem ok with it and that they're not terribly interested in playing with your DC, but teens and tweens are walking balls of contradiction. They can push everyone away while also desperately needing to be wanted, and can behave like they're totally indifferent while long-term damage to relationships are being done. I'd be really cautious that they're not spotting your new schedule and storing that away as a signal that you don't particularly care for them. In one of your replies you phrased it as "two fewer days per month" but really it's a 50% reduction and that's unlikely to go unnoticed.

I don't know what the ideal solution here is, but maybe it's a compromise where one month you go on a weekend the DSC are there and the next month you and DH take the younger DC on a weekend the DSC are with their mum. Perhaps combine that with mixing up the pairings more when everyone's together. And keep in mind that it will actually be easier to mix ages pretty soon once your younger two are past toddler-stage.

And I think you need to sort out the housework and childcare division with DH directly instead of avoiding it by leaving.

His suggestion was that we go on one of the SC-free weekends and he stays home.

That says it all. He'd like one weekend a month to himself but he'd like you to be there all the other weekends to do all the cooking and generally make his life easier. I suggest that every second month you go alone and leave him with all his kids.

Probably because he has to parent...

I think it’s a lovely idea. He spends so little time with his children that they really do deserve that one to one time.

Does he actually realise the extent to which DSC are irritated by the little DC? You mention him permitting too much rudeness, so I wonder if this is one of those cases where he isn't seeing what he doesn't want to see.