To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

I think one of the reasons DH doesn’t like me going is he wants her to see us as a functional and happy family and me not being there ruins the facade a bit.

If by 'her' you mean his ex-wife, WTF should her opinions of his life/family have to do with anything? Is he trying to make her jealous? Frankly, I'd be really hacked off at the thought that he even cares what she thinks at all, much less expecting me to play along with it to serve whatever his purpose is.

Now here I may be getting things way wrong, but do you feel the outward appearance of your marriage is a facade? Because the definition of facade is 'an outward appearance designed to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality'. If you do, I think you should take a good look at your marriage. If you don't, why does he think your marriage needs a facade? Is the reality not 'good enough' for him?

How often do you leave him with all four

surely he would be glad to have all his children together?

I can see all sides of this tbh, I don't think anyone is being "wrong" to feel how they are feeling. Unless your DH is really just wanting you to do the grunt work but for the purposes of this post, I'm assuming it's more that he'd like his DC to be all together. Surely the grunt work for 6 including a 3 and 1 year old is massively higher than the grunt work for 3 including a 10 and 13 year old anyway! It's tricky that both SDC's parents have moved on and have more DC (plus the steps at their mum's). It's no wonder they want some downtime without dealing with extra siblings.

I (mum) have 2 DC who are half siblings with a big age gap and I'd be gutted if they only spent 1 weekend in 4 together. DS is nearly 14 and DD just turned 5 and I'd say only in the last year or even 6 months have they really started to play together and enjoy each other's company. So, you may find that as your DC get older, SDC can do more with them and that there are more activities that work as a family. Maybe at some point it'd be possible to divide differently eg your DH takes his DS to football and takes one of the little ones to run around too. My DD actually sort of enables my DS to be playful and silly again I think and revisit some of his old favourite toys, TV shows, sneak her a few sweeties etc. Things that don't really work with a 3 year old and under.

I think, for now, the fact that the current weekend split appears to work for 5 out of 6 family members (all but your DH) is the most important thing. It also seems to provide the right environment for SDC so while I can understand your DH's feelings, them getting 1 weekend a month one to one with their Dad and 1 weekend a month family time with you all does feel the right balance. I think he should gently chat to the SDC about the arrangements to gauge their feelings as that may help reassure him that it is the right thing for now at least eg if they say "we love having a quiet, relaxed weekend with just you once a month Dad!" that might make him feel better about the situation.

It sounds like the current setup is probably the optimum one for DSC in the circumstances. Their father is just going to have to put on his big boy pants and accept that having 4 kids might mean some grunt work once a month.

my baby and 5 year old have 18 year old step brother so the gap is huge - regularly go away with baby and toddler when he’s here and leave husband and his son to it ! I’ve done this for 4 years

we do stuff together too and he spends time with the kids too but in general I think they have such different interests and needs that hay I prefer to be out the way and let them have time to themselves

So your dh sees his first set of children twice a month. On one of those occasions you take his small children away so he only has to think about entertaining 2 older children who are hardly hard work. Yet he doesn’t like the fact he has to entertain them and cook for them. Oh the poor love. He needs to give his head a wobble. How on earth would he cope if you left him to look after all his own children, you know like millions of other parents do. Good lord what an idle man he is.
And no, his first children will not be fussed about having to spend time with toddlers and babies. They are there to see their dad, nothing else.
Quite frankly I feel sorry for the older children. 2 much younger children forced upon them by their father. 2 younger children forced upon them by their mother, plus an unruly step sibling, God that’s not great for them at all.
Not having a go at you op, you are not their parent but both parents have deal these children a shitty hand.
Next time your dh suggests you stay, tell him fine I’ll leave the dcs here, then you go off and leave him to it.

Also if dh wants more family time has he tried asking for an extra day even if it means him having to do a long school run. Or having them for more than 4 weeks of the holidays.

More time doesn’t have to be taken from your time. He can ask for more of his children’s time.

There's not going to be a lot of middle ground options that would involve kids with these age gaps and preferences spending time together, this is the thing.

If they go to a trampolining park the older ones are not going to be bouncing alongside the toddlers. They'll go off in opposite directions when they arrive. There might be some scope at a zoo, but even then it'll be reliant on the older ones being happy to walk at 3 year old pace. And the toddlers will probably have had enough well before the 10 year old. If they're anything like both of mine at those ages, the 3 year old will be wrecked and in danger nap territory by 3ish while the older ones want to see every single thing and stay til the end.

It just sounds like most attempts at this are going to involve either divide and conquer with no time together or the older DC having to stick at toddler routines and getting frustrated.

I feel sorry for these children—4 half siblings and 2 step-siblings have been thrown into their world. I do hope they have somewhere they can retreat from the outside world (school, etc) and exhale.

How about 1 weekend in every 4 week period you and DH visit your parents on a non SC weekend and you go alone 1 weekend in ever 4 week period. Alternatively reduce the visit down to once a month and alternate between going with DH and going on a SC weekend.

DH needs to realise that 4 children from 2 families means he is going to be very busy the next few years (and it will be only a few years). He also needs to realise that his older children will appreciate his undivided attention and time away from other children regularly. In addition, he could really take on more of the cooking and clearing up when SC are there.

I think this is ideal, really. It gives your DH and his older children some time to be a family unit together.

So many step-families try to force the 'blended family' thing to the detriment the original children.

I'd be going home every weekend the sc were there
DH should not be leaving grunt work to you
Sc should be making an effort to enjoy their younger siblings time together
Sc sound spoilt and demanding Anne DH sounds like he wants you at home to clean cook fetch and carry
I'd be moving home asap

I think this is a great balance for everyone SC get to spend quality time with just their dad which is important especially at that age doing activities they want and that are appropriate for them, with the age gap with yours its not possible to all do the same activities together each time and then they still see them anyway on the other visit, so you have to do what works and it is important for you and your children to have quality family time with your family and sounds like its working really well for everyone right now. if the children are happy why change it, I think your husband is being selfish he needs to see it from the childrens point of view and change his idea of how he thinks a family should be and get with the reality of it

No, you’re not being unreasonable.

One weekend a month to see your family and friends, when DC love it and SC are fine (or even enjoy the 1:1 time), is a reasonable way to meet your own needs. You already carry a lot on SC weekends, this is balance, not opting out.

I think that weekend your DH and SC spend on their own is a major benefit to them. DH won't be able to divide and conquer so the children will be learning about each other. She will learn about his sports and how to be supportive about things she isn't particularly interested in and he will learn about hormonal moods, which he will be getting himself at some points. And hopefully they will all chip in and learn about cooking and basic housekeeping.

I think it is brilliant that you have the opportunity to take your children to your home town once a month. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of stepparents read that with envy.

I feel for your SC, there’s a lot going on between both families. Sounds like in both houses they have be quite adaptable. When the adults get new lives the existing children have to slot in so I can see why your husband feels for them. Imagine if this was your two when they are older and they had to fit in with younger siblings. I think you are giving them the message that they don’t matter to you, although I’m sure it’s not easy for you either.

You mentioned Peppa Pig World and the cinema but are there any middle grounds? Trampoline park? Zoo? It must be hard with that age gap but I’d prioritise finding something they can all enjoy. And as an aside, Peppa Pig world is within Paultons park and it’s great!

Sounds like it's just me, but I think YABU. I definitely don't think you should be doing all the work during their visits, they aren't toddlers who need constant supervision so that part doesn't sound fair and he absolutely needs to pull his weight. However, as a parent of 4, and with a reasonable gap, there's no reason why these siblings can't have a good bond (all of my children have the same Dad who I am married to, and they all get along well and enjoy family time) and your children and their siblings only get 2 weekends a month together, I don't think he's at all unreasonable for wanting all his children to be together. Can you compromise, and go one weekend they are visiting, and then the next month go a weekend they aren't visiting, but him go with you? That way, he only goes every other month and he gets more weekends with all the children. He needs to contribute to the work of them being there though.

Yes so mane op can go back once a month and only take her kids every two months? So every two months her DH can look after all his kids at the same time for two day. See if he can manage!

Definitely do it! It sounds like you get a lot out of seeing friends and family, which is so important. To be honest the SC probably don't care that much at their age and if they do you can always adjust. You all get a weekend together a month anyway is that right?

I think the SC actually would love a weekend just them and their dad - it's actually quite a healthy schedule I think!

As for the cooking and the cleaner well he'll just have figure it out won't he